What the hell, let's do it again. Iron Author round 2.

[camwyn]

I've got the next chapter of Hellblazer: Hogwarts under way, but work is driving me crazy lately and I can't keep my attention span on much. Give me something new and funky to work on. Let's play Iron Author. If you've been around for the first rounds, you know the drill. If not, this is a common writing exercise, inspired by cadhla and suitably adapted.

You can have fanfiction:

Give me a character and one thing more -- a mood, a genre, a situation, an episode -- and I'll write you at least a drib right here in the comments. (A pairing and a situation are okay too, if you'd prefer. However, I am far more proficient at genfic.).

If you're on my friends list I suspect you already know what fandoms I can handle. Not taking any requests for people from Joss Whedon shows, as I never really watched them to begin with. If you're not sure, ask, and I'll see what I can do.

Unlike stakebait I am not proficient in poetry, so you're not gettin' any.

On the other hand, you're free to ask for original fiction.

Give me a genre (mystery, science fiction, porn, etc.) and a starting point, be it situation, character, dilemma, etc. And I will write you a dribble of original fiction -- most likely brand new, but possibly using a world or characters I've created in the past. I reserve the right to try to turn one of these into a real story and sell it, in the unlikely event that I'm attacked by inspiration.

Afterwards I'll do up a post or two with links to each comment, so people don't have to wade through the threads to find them.

I would prefer not to repeat anything from last round, so if you challenged before, come up with something new. I will, however, be doing whobunkyboo's request from LAST round just as soon as I can get in a bit of a reread on Small Gods.

Comments

[fireborn.livejournal.com]

Samuel Vimes explaining about a chicken.

[truebluespark]

Hmm... How about... Lobsang Ludd and discovery? (Just re-read Thief of Time the other night.)

[dancing-moon.livejournal.com]

Because there needs to be more Hellblazer-fanfic in the world - John fiddling with a new spell, with a unexpected but not deadly, result. Please?

[ivorykisses.livejournal.com]

Egon's new hat.

[inverseparadox.livejournal.com]

A pipe-weed farmer in a panic or crisis, possibly economic in nature.

[camwyn]

"I- I'm sorry," said Pando Burrows, "but it's impossible. Quite impossible."

The Man's face darkened. Tall, sallow, squint-eyed, he was very nearly the hobbit's opposite in every way. He had the broad, bulging shoulders of one whose living comes from the sword; Pando was pudgy and rounded, befitting a farmer long since retired. Where the Man's hair was greasy, long and black, Pando's was of a neatly trimmed silver. Pando smelt of smoke and growing things, as did most hobbits in this part of the Shire; the Man, well, he smelt of far less pleasant things, none of which Pando cared to name.

"That decision ain't yours to make," the Man growled. "This is yer son-in-law's farm, innit?"

Pando sighed. In a tone he kept for the slowest of his grandchildren, he said, "It is, but it's not a decision. What Mister Sharkey is asking cannot be done. There's none of last year's leaf left to buy."

"What's that in the fields then? Looks bloody ripe to me," the Man said. He drew a wicked-looking knife from somewhere in his sleeve and set to picking dirt out from under his nails.

Pando paled. Rallying, he managed, "That- that's already spoken for- sold away to the West-farthing. Soon as it's cut and cured it's being shipped to them."

"Sharkey can-"

"Sharkey can't," said another voice. "That'd be breach of contract." It was a second hobbit, younger, leaner, still in the hat he'd worn in the fields. "I've already sold and signed on it. It's not mine to sell twice."

The knife paused. "So you're the famous Bungo Hornblower," the man rasped. "Congratulations."

"On what?" said the younger hobbit, laying one hand on his trembling father-in-law's shoulder.

"Why, on being the last hold-out in the whole Southfarthing. This is what, four refusals now?"

"Three," said Bungo.

The Man nodded. "Three," he said to himself. "Sharkey'll remember that. . . How's the wife, Bungo? She had that baby yet?"

"I think you should leave now," Bungo said, staring at the man. "I don't want to have to set the dogs on you."

The Man eyed the two hobbits, then gave a surprised laugh. "Very well!" he cried, and made a mocking bow. "I don't want to wear out my welcome, hey?"

"You did that the day you first set foot in the Shire," Bungo said.

The man laughed again, turning to mount the bony grey horse tethered to the fence-post. As he rode away, Bungo turned to his father-in-law. "Start packing," he said.

"Er? What?"

"Packing, Dad. I'm going to have to return the Tooks' money. Where's Beryl?"

"She's got the baby down at the stream. Why? And what's this about the money?"

Bungo smiled, a dry, unhappy smile. "That fellow's going to be back tonight, I'll wager," he said. "If I know his kind at all, there'll be torches in both his hands and enough lamp-oil in his saddlebags to last us a year. I've got to return that money, because all that'll be left of the field crop by tomorrow's going to be an awful lot of smoke."

Pando stared at him, horrified.

"I'd pack if I were you," Bungo said.

ClassicDrogn likes Phish Food

[(Anonymous)]

Hermione is upset and pining for Ben & Jerries, or a UK equivalent thereof.

- CD

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

Fate and the Lady getting interested by Earth, choose their players and sides & cause said groups to be thrown to the Discworld.

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

let's go for original fic this time. Mystery, on a space station. Thanks!

[drharper.livejournal.com]

Great. I need some fic therapy. :)

Seeing it's just a couple months away...John Constantine at the National Storyteller's Festival in Jonesboro, TN. ;)

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

Shrek and Donkey magically transported to Disneyland in our world.

[camwyn]

Will you accept Disneyworld or EPCOT instead? I've never been to the Anaheim park.

[eljuno.livejournal.com]

Harry Potter, something involving any male Ravenclaw.

[akawil]

A person who studied squid in Sri Lanka meets an apprentice Welsh mole catcher. Any genre.

(Based on two rather unpopular items in the backstory shop in Jasper Fforde's Well of Lost Plots.)

[camwyn]

Would ladymondegreen be terribly upset if I hit you over the head with a very large stick?

[penguinzero.livejournal.com]

A fable, describing how the human race finally tamed and bridled the scourges we now know as Bells. Bonus points for including the terrible price we paid in the process.

[(Anonymous)]

The Discworld's versions of Master Li and Number Ten Ox trying to hold a rational conversation with the new Agatean Emperor (Cohen or Twoflower, you pick).

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Orophin of Lórien discovering that he is out of his ultra deep conditioning hair conditioner, while getting ready for a hot date with Éowyn. He then discovers he has - gasp! - a split end.

[camwyn]

... Congratulations. I think you just found the point at which I jam my 33-decibel earplugs in, cover my eyes, and start yelling "LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOOOOOOOO...."

[mattador.livejournal.com]

Books of Magic/ Hellblazer- Alleahthea and John Constantine in a parking lot- eitehr genfic or shippy, I care not.

[camwyn]

Alas. I have to plead out of this one. I cannot do Books of Magic- I have the original miniseries in TPB form, and I've read it about eight times, but that's it. Nooooo other BoM background. No idea who Allehthea is. Sorry, try again?

[dragomorph.livejournal.com]

A decent explanation for how the Ghostbusters could have defeated Gozer in 1984 and still have it happen six months ago in 2004.

Dragomorph
"A tad obsessed with the comics at the moment"

[zwol.livejournal.com]

I'd like to hear the story of the sheriff who went down to San Francisco to find a partner who knew Chinese magic (from your comment way back when (http://www.livejournal.com/users/camwyn/345956.html#cutid2)). Or anything else in the same universe you feel like writing, I'm not picky.

Here's some of it, at least. Part 1 of 2

[camwyn]

Jake Kitchener had not picked a good part of San Francisco in which to be White.

Oh, it wasn't like anyone was gonna come right out and run him off, but heck, everyone knew there were parts of the Bay City you just didn't go into if you wanted to keep your skin in one piece. Varied by color and point of origin, of course, and the informal territories were pretty flexible if you knew how to behave, but. . . well, there was one border that nobody ignored, nobody. White, Black, Mexican, Indian- didn't matter. If you had even an ounce of grey matter, the first thing you found out when you got to San Francisco was where they'd put the Dragon Gates. You couldn't get into nor out of Chinatown without passing through one. And that shiver of magic that ran over your bones the second you stepped through, well, you couldn't miss that if you were blind, drunk, and three-quarters dead. So any White man who was fool enough to go strolling along Stockton Street, well. . . he'd been warned.

Didn't seem to bother Jake much, though. He just nodded, real polite-like, to the folks who stopped their games to stare at him. That pretty much meant everyone- pig-tailed fellows fresh off the boat, old Hakka ladies with their big feet and their pipes, wide-eyed little kids who'd never been out of their parents' shadow in their lives. You might as well have taken a big ol' grease pencil and drawn a circle around him, really. The folks in front of the circle hadn't seen him coming yet, so they kept right on talking, or gambling, or whatever. The folks inside that circle, well, they were too busy watching Jake to say much. Out on the trailing edge they figured he'd gone far enough to be safe, and started talking again- a lot faster, and with a lot of suspicious glances his way, for the most part.

Funny thing was, he didn't seem to take much notice. There really weren't a lot of White men willing to walk into Chinatown a year after the Spike. There'd been a couple at first, looking for revenge- there's always a couple idiots in any bunch you care to name- but, well, that really hadn't gone too well for anyone. There'd been a lot of yelling, and there'd been guns, and then there'd been fire and lightning and all kinds of hell breaking loose. Wasn't much left of the shitkickers in the end. They carried 'em out in cigar boxes. A thing like that happens, even the police and soldiers who're being paid to walk the length of Columbus are gonna get mighty uncomfortable at the prospect. Seeing this fellow shoulder through the crowds like there wasn't a thing in the world wrong about his being there? That got folks' attention, real fast. Especially when he'd stop at a street corner and look up, nod to himself, and keep right on going. You'd think he knew where he was going, or something.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Could be he just looked like he knew what he was doing. Truth is, Jake Kitchener didn't seem to be heading anywhere definite that anyone could see. He'd stop once in a while and take a glance at a store, or up at some business man's sign, but he sure didn't look like he was finding whatever it was he was after. Eventually he turned down a skinny, wriggling little alleyway, the kind of place just made for dice games and cock fights, and put his hand on the first door he came to.

[spiritdancer]

Hmmm ... at dinner tonight, my husband came up with a cross-over idea that you might find interesting.

Snape finally gets the teaching position he wants (Defense Against the Dart Arts teacher). Now, to find a new Potions instructor. Who?

Alton Brown, of Good Eats

Melissa

Hogwarts/Anime

[(Anonymous)]

Remus Lupin and his cousin Arsene Lupin III solve the mystery of the missing (presumed stolen) province of Ontario. Bonus points for every layer of disguise revealed in the process.

Re: Hogwarts/Anime

[camwyn]

I've never actually seen any of Lupin III, or whatever his anime is called, so this is going to have to wait a fair while. If Blockbuster has it in stock, great; if not, we'll see if I can come up with any other sources. Fair warning.

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, I'm a big fan of your crossovers, particularly the Hellblazer/HP and the Silm/Discworld ones. I even picked up the original Books of Magic, after some dithering, although I haven't read any Hellblazer, aside from the 3 issues I found online somewhere. (Well, here actually, if you're curious: http://zzt.the-underdogs.org/james/hellblazer/index.html) Maybe the next comment I read will be written by someone who's not Neil Gaiman.

Anyway, if you're still accepting suggestions, I had this idea while reviewing a LotR/Discworld story that's on ff.net: Nanny Ogg singing either "the Hedgehog Song" or "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End" to a group of horrified Rivendell elves. I believe l-space.org has many fan-written verses of the former, so you won't have to make it all up, if you don't want to.

(By the way, I found your journal from a comment on Deleterius.)

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe the next comment I read will be written by someone who's not Neil Gaiman.

That should read comic, not comment.

(That's weird, this is the first time I've had to prove I was a human, and not a robot. Must be some new LJ protection.)

[mariagoner.livejournal.com]

How about... a fairy princess who gets into a shit-load of trouble when she tries to pull a Mary Sue and masquerade as a pop star? And thanks!

[mariagoner.livejournal.com]

Oooooor you could write about the whirl-wind romance that John Constantine may or may not have had (and has certainly since denied) with Professor Trelawney the moment he met her. Actually, I think I'd really like it if you tackled this one instead. The more John fic the better-- and you write some of the best Hellblazer fic around.

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

John Constantine meets the Luggage.