In the same vein as "When I Become Emperor",

[camwyn]

I am reviving a post that I put up about a year ago (I think). This is: Things That Really Ought To Be Obvious. I am thinking of putting them into some kind of introductory, mandatory, 'memorize this and understand it or the Emperor says you don't get out of high school' curriculum when I become Emperor.


THINGS THAT REALLY OUGHT TO BE OBVIOUS
(so sayeth the Emperor)

1. Never tailgate the liquid oxygen truck.
2. Don't take away food from a dog while it's eating.
3. Karate, or any other exercise, is harder the day after you donate blood than it was the week before.
4. Ice skates don't have brakes.
5. "You people" can never mean anything good, unless it's being said through tears of joy. And even then, it's still iffy.
6. No matter how similar the people are on either side of the border, both U.S. and Canadian border agencies consider Canada an international destination when you are leaving from Newark, New Jersey.
7. No food sold from a stand with wheels on is ever good for you.
8. If it's still alive, don't eat it.
9. A falling knife has no handle. And a falling glass object has no blunt edges.
10. Wild animals do not want you to touch them.
11. Don't walk through New York at night, alone.
12. Hang up and drive. In that order.
13. Don't walk behind a nervous horse.
14. Electrical sparks are not to be touched.
15. Let the car cool down before you open the radiator.
16. Don't mix cleansers.
17. Just because it says "non-toxic" doesn't mean that you should drink or eat it.
18. Screaming at someone who makes minimum wage accomplishes nothing.
19. If someone says they have an allergy, believe them.
20. "You'll get over her/him" or "you'll find someone else, someday" is NOT what the recently bereaved need to hear. NOT.
21. Visible bones are not a good thing.
22. Flashing lights on a vehicle never mean anything good.
23. You cannot swing on the chandelier.
24. Glass is stronger than your teeth. So's metal.
25. Don't take pet birds out of their cages in a room with a door that opens onto the outside world.
26. If you have children, it is your job to keep them under control. (The Emperor is very big on this.)
27. Don't throw stuff at zoo animals.
28. Six hours of weight lifting in one day does NOT equal one hour per day for six days.
29. Soap makers don't appreciate Fight Club jokes.
30. Shouting in the mountains is generally not a good idea.
31. Get out of the pool before you pee.
32. Excretory functions and most forms of hygiene should not be done in public.
33. No sentence in English or Spanish requires more than two exclamation points.
34. Never tell someone that it's all in their mind, or just in their mind.
35. It takes big vehicles more time and space to stop than small ones.
36. The ocean will swallow you whole if you aren't paying attention. Sometimes it will do this even if you ARE paying attention.
37. Don't touch people unless they touch you first, or unless they ask you to touch themsay it's okay first.
38. Take it out of the tinfoil before you microwave it.
39. Job interviews outside the adult entertainment industry are the wrong place for nudity- yours, the person in your tattoo's, or the person on your tie's.
40. Get permission before you use someone else's stuff.
41. Physics takes precedence over right of way, and human bones go crunch pretty easily.

Comments

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

I shall be a loyal subject to the Emperor just for this list alone.

Can I be a member of the court? I'm pretty good at toadying. :)

[camwyn]

*thinks* Well, there's the basic tests and classes for going into politics, but I don't think being part of the court necessarily counts as politics, so yeah, sure, no problem.

[ocean-song.livejournal.com]

Well, it's good to lay these edicts out, since common sense is not at all common anymore. You rock my socks!

[goldjadeocean.livejournal.com]

All good, but I am wondering...

Don't touch people unless they touch you first, or unless they ask you to touch them. But if you both follow this rule, then what?

[camwyn]

Nothing wrong with asking permission.

*adjusts it slightly to 'unless they say it's okay first'*

That one has nowt to do with sex. It has more to do with culture clash- in some parts of the U.S. it's considered perfectly okay to get someone's attention by tapping them on the shoulder or by putting your hand on their shoulder from behind. Where I come from, that gesture generally means "I have a gun, give me all your money".

[corglacier7.livejournal.com]

Yeaaah...I just finished four years down South for college, and women in particular there do a lot of the resting a hand on your arm or touching your shoulder or whatever when they talk to you. And I'm not really squared away with that.

[camwyn]

Red Cross operation in Wisconsin in April/May of 1999. Me: New Yorker born and raised, New Jerseyite for quite some years. Them: Virginia, Kentucky, Georgia elderly ladies.

They would come up to me SILENTLY and put hands on BOTH my shoulders.

NOT GOOD AT ALL.

I finally explained this to one of them and got a very sad look, along with, "You poor thing! I can't imagine what it must be like to live that way!"

But they stopped touching me. So that was fine.

[kyrielle]

Yargh. I have a coworker who likes to pat you on the shoulder - or worse, leave her hand there - or clap her hand on your upper arm. Sometimes while trying to make a point she thinks you oppose, so it's not always a light-hearted friendly moment.

(She also hugs people she knows and likes. Whether they know her that well or not, apparently. Some of them appear to find this a bit befuddling.)

I seem to be immune, these days, though. I have never liked it, but with the allergy shots I have a new weapon - a few carefully dropped comments about how sometimes when the shots are bad my arm is bruised, plus the day she saw the big ol' swelling when I had a really bad reaction, means it is apparently no longer considered safe to clap ME on the shoulder or arm for fear of causing an injury.

I wish everyone followed your list. Because one should not need to use allergy shots to convince that yes, touching is not wanted. :P

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

If you take over the world before I do, I will bow my head willingly to your rule. If I get there first, you will have any position you want in my cabinet, plus full diplomatic immunity and the ability to use state funds exactly as you please.

Oh, one more thing: just because someone does something on telly is not a good enough reason to try doing it yourself.

[camwyn]

I don't want the whole world. I just want the U.S. and Canada. Running an entire planet-wide empire's a little more than I'm ready to handle; I'd rather take countries whose languages I know and whose cultures I understand.

Might do with China, though, if I can get the language down pat. But Canada and the U.S. first.

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

Hm. In that case, can I have Europe and the British Isles? If I take over the British Crown, obviously I'll hand over Canadian rule to you.

Mutually beneficial trade agreements are, of course, guaranteed.

[camwyn]

Works for me. If you get world domination overall I wanna be Viceroy of Canada. I like the title.

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

Done and done. I don't think I'll do much with the Royals beyond removing what weeny little power they have left. They can still open fairs and wear hats and occasionally appear in public waving that little wave that looks like they're caressing the curve of an invisible buttock. I shall be the Director, I think, and my Directorate is more than willing to accept a Viceroy of Canada and the United States as a fellow ruler.

[crispengray.livejournal.com]

Worry not. Global domination is in my plan. I'll be working out Imperial Warlords for different regions.

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

Guess who's being a toady!

[camwyn]

Welcome aboard, kid.

[ymfaery]

7. No food sold from a stand with wheels on is ever good for you.

Does this refer to people running lunch wagons out of vans? Since that's very common here (although the food is cooked elsewhere and kept warm or reheated before it's sold).

[camwyn]

Not particularly. I'm thinking of things like hot dog stands. Admittedly, I've seen wheeled fruit stands, so maybe that needs revision, but the general sentiment here is 'don't get whiny that street food makes you fat or is high in cholesterol, people, it's SOLD FROM STANDS, okay?'.

[ymfaery]

Oh, hot dog stands! I think I've seen maybe one around here in the last few years, and it's outsourced through Marriott. (Might help if I attended more sports events or something though.)

And the lunch wagon folks normally don't claim to be selling *healthy* lunches, but what's sold isn't that different than what you'd find in a hole-in-a-wall diner or a family-run cafe. YMMV

[tibicina.livejournal.com]

In Hispanic neighborhoods around here you're alot more likely to see fruit cart vendors (though sometimes they have popsicles... or, occasionally, tamales.) I can't honestly remember the last time I saw a hotdog cart... actually I take it back, I can. There's one guy who does it down by Staples Center (he's also usually got frying onions and peppers).

Oooh, plus, technically, this would mean that all dim sum was bad for you.

Perhaps 'Fast food is rarely good for you. Do not whine if you eat fattening foods and gain weight.'

[feonixrift.livejournal.com]

19. If someone says they have an allergy, believe them.

PLEASE!! (I only used two, I'm being nice.)

[skalja.livejournal.com]

*prepares for long career as sycophant*

[lpetrazickis.livejournal.com]

I love you people.:)

You people may be Emperor as long as we people may be God.:)

[camwyn]

There, see? Happy tears.

And I don't care who's God, but as long as you're trying to be God to anyone in my empire, the first commandment of your religion- just like all other religions in my empire- is gonna be: Don't Be A Jerk.

And I get to decide what constitutes being a jerk.

[bohemian--storm.livejournal.com]

18 ... wow. So true. And yet no one seems to get it.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Exactly. What it will do is cause you to lose privilges/time/product/anything the employee can keep from you

[chaos-wrangler.livejournal.com]

11. Don't walk through New York at night, alone.

I've done this one plenty unless by "alone" you mean absolutely alone, i.e. no strangers on the street nearby-ish, no one in the nearby buildings, etc.

24. Glass is stronger than your teeth. So's metal.

Unfortunately not all glass is stronger than teeth. I broke several glasses when I was young by closing my jaw too tightly while drinking (no, I never got hurt/cut, but each time the displaced bite-shaped shard and the crack(s) in the remaining part of the glass ruined it).

[truebluespark]

Sheer brilliance. You can be my emperor any day.

... And that really didn't come out the way I wanted it to sound. *whistles nonchalantly, wanders away*

[weasleyqueen.livejournal.com]

You are soo the next governor of the ruleship.

A falling knife has no handle.

That is *so* zen.

[camwyn]

Credit that one to my cooking professor, Mark Cosgrove; he used it to get us disabused of the idea that one could catch a knife safely if it were dropped in the course of an evening's work.

[crispengray.livejournal.com]

18. Screaming at someone who makes minimum wage accomplishes nothing.

Yes it does. It accomplishes saliva on your food.

[camwyn]

That or other body fluids. *sniiiiiiiiiiiff* *snort*

[tundra-no-caps.livejournal.com]

##. You do not use apostrophes for plural form.
##. When a cook who already sat in jail for stabbing people threatens you, don't show on your face that you want to laugh at him.
##. Stress is bad, when your pulse is 140 and you didn't even get out of bed, change something.
##. Some subjects aren't fun, deal.
##. When people threaten you for sexual harassment during High School for doing something, don't keep on doing it after you graduate.

[tundra-no-caps.livejournal.com]

It's funny when you use "You people" while talking about emotions and smirking.

33 is true for all languages. No reason to use more than one exclamation mark per instance, ?! should be used even more sparingly(I sometimes forget my English, sorry) and a good writer will let the exclamation leap out of his writings, not his punctuation. Also, dots are good, hmmmkay.

About 14, ever tried touching your lips to the lamp's metal rods?...

[camwyn]

About 14- no, I haven't. But I have licked a nine volt battery's terminals to see what happens (it's not fun, but it did no harm), and I've also touched both probes of a digital multimeter to my tongue at the same time (very lame experience).

[tundra-no-caps.livejournal.com]

Ah, curiousity, what a grand idea!
Just the execution often leaves much to be desired.
My lamp had two metal rods holding it up, table lamp. Every time I had my hand around I felt a tingle, touching both accidentally a jolt. So I did what I thought of, touched one lip to each rod and turned it on.
I believe it was either a 20 or 30 Volt(Or Watt, my memory is hazy) bulb.

I have seen the light behind my closed eyes.