![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camwynThank you, Specialist Schwartz.
THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: Sorry for the necromancy...
Date: 2007-07-16 04:36 pm (UTC)