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camwynThank you, Specialist Schwartz.
THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
And this is what John has to say about those:
Date: 2005-07-26 04:38 pm (UTC)31. Okay, fair enough. That thing swelters in the castle in summer.
32. Aw...
33. There is nothing in my contract that forbids that, thank you.
34. ... well, fuck, there goes half the syllabus.
35. All right, I can live with this one. I don't look good with a pipe anyway.
36. Hadn't thought of that. Hm.
37. What use is it to me, then?
38. Oh, you'd be surprised...
39. 'course not. That's what two fingers are for.
Re: And this is what John has to say about those:
Date: 2005-08-16 02:13 am (UTC)Provision 34b. Useful in a manner that actually has something to do with my subject, that is.
Provision 34c. Pub fighting is not a dark art.
Provision 34d. Nor is it a defence thereto.
Provision 36a. Young dragons may be used as lighters if I can get a student to compare me to Sam Vimes without mentioning his name in their presence, or to them, or in writing where they might see it. And it has to be a wizard-born student.
Provision 38a. If I can demonstrate the health benefits of any alcohol-based potion, I may consider Rule 38 waived in regards to that potion.
Provision 38b. Drunkenness is not a health benefit.
Provision 38c. Anything that a Russian has ever used as a substitute for booze cannot be considered to have health benefits, even if it does.