Fuck again.
Dec. 21st, 2003 03:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camwynWrapped Dad's present.
Mom says, "We're going to the party now-" A family of our friends is having a tree trimming party tonight.
"I'll be there soon," I say.
... I can't even remember the next part of the conversation straight. What it amounted to was 'you're irresponsible and you LIED this morning', 'I was scared, you were so angry that I blurted the first thing that came into my head', 'which was a lie', 'well-', 'which was a LIE', 'well, yeah, and I'm sorry, but you were so angry-', 'I was angry this morning, I wasn't angry about the twenty five minutes when I came home now, I was angry about being lied to', quite a lot of stuff about irresponsibility and what if that had been a cop or firefighter (which is what made me think to get up and look out the window in the first place), and 'you're going to have a LOT MORE RESPONSIBILITY from now on, it's nice that you clean the kitchen but there is LOTS more to running a house than that and you're going to do your share', etc.
All right, I can deal with that- even with the recently increased rent- but... God, I am such an ass. Such a fucking ass. I don't trust myself to go out of the house right now, since I'd just be going to the same party and I'm terrified I might say or do the wrong thing and someone might ask why I looked upset and I'd say it and it'd just get all over the place...
I'm such a goddamned moron. And, apparently, I have no fucking sense of responsibility to the household.
Goddamn it.
I have got to get a job that lets me move out. My family loves me. It is not a dysfunctional family. But I have lived in it too long and I have gotten stupid, soft, and lazy. I should have moved out long ago and become a proper goddamn grownup. I'm nearly thirty. I should have left a long time ago...
I'm so goddamn stupid sometimes.
Now I have to go breathe until it's safe to get changed and go to the party.
Mom says, "We're going to the party now-" A family of our friends is having a tree trimming party tonight.
"I'll be there soon," I say.
... I can't even remember the next part of the conversation straight. What it amounted to was 'you're irresponsible and you LIED this morning', 'I was scared, you were so angry that I blurted the first thing that came into my head', 'which was a lie', 'well-', 'which was a LIE', 'well, yeah, and I'm sorry, but you were so angry-', 'I was angry this morning, I wasn't angry about the twenty five minutes when I came home now, I was angry about being lied to', quite a lot of stuff about irresponsibility and what if that had been a cop or firefighter (which is what made me think to get up and look out the window in the first place), and 'you're going to have a LOT MORE RESPONSIBILITY from now on, it's nice that you clean the kitchen but there is LOTS more to running a house than that and you're going to do your share', etc.
All right, I can deal with that- even with the recently increased rent- but... God, I am such an ass. Such a fucking ass. I don't trust myself to go out of the house right now, since I'd just be going to the same party and I'm terrified I might say or do the wrong thing and someone might ask why I looked upset and I'd say it and it'd just get all over the place...
I'm such a goddamned moron. And, apparently, I have no fucking sense of responsibility to the household.
Goddamn it.
I have got to get a job that lets me move out. My family loves me. It is not a dysfunctional family. But I have lived in it too long and I have gotten stupid, soft, and lazy. I should have moved out long ago and become a proper goddamn grownup. I'm nearly thirty. I should have left a long time ago...
I'm so goddamn stupid sometimes.
Now I have to go breathe until it's safe to get changed and go to the party.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-21 02:15 pm (UTC)*hug*
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Date: 2003-12-21 03:46 pm (UTC)And if the stuff you post here is any indication, you do so have a sense of responsibility -- a fairly acute one, too.
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Date: 2003-12-21 08:19 pm (UTC)Sorry to hear about this. You seem like one of the most responsible people I know.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-21 09:48 pm (UTC)I know how it feels to fuck up at something basic. Sometimes I mess up with passing along phone messages, and my dad just yells at me forever. And I KNOW I should be better at that kind of thing, but for some reason every once in a while I fuck up, and I hate it.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-12-21 11:04 pm (UTC)-- Lorrie
no subject
Date: 2003-12-22 04:26 am (UTC)I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well. You're not stupid or irresponsible or lazy or any of those self-deprecating adjectives.
Anyway, I've prattled enough.
Take care.