Fuck again.
Dec. 21st, 2003 03:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camwynWrapped Dad's present.
Mom says, "We're going to the party now-" A family of our friends is having a tree trimming party tonight.
"I'll be there soon," I say.
... I can't even remember the next part of the conversation straight. What it amounted to was 'you're irresponsible and you LIED this morning', 'I was scared, you were so angry that I blurted the first thing that came into my head', 'which was a lie', 'well-', 'which was a LIE', 'well, yeah, and I'm sorry, but you were so angry-', 'I was angry this morning, I wasn't angry about the twenty five minutes when I came home now, I was angry about being lied to', quite a lot of stuff about irresponsibility and what if that had been a cop or firefighter (which is what made me think to get up and look out the window in the first place), and 'you're going to have a LOT MORE RESPONSIBILITY from now on, it's nice that you clean the kitchen but there is LOTS more to running a house than that and you're going to do your share', etc.
All right, I can deal with that- even with the recently increased rent- but... God, I am such an ass. Such a fucking ass. I don't trust myself to go out of the house right now, since I'd just be going to the same party and I'm terrified I might say or do the wrong thing and someone might ask why I looked upset and I'd say it and it'd just get all over the place...
I'm such a goddamned moron. And, apparently, I have no fucking sense of responsibility to the household.
Goddamn it.
I have got to get a job that lets me move out. My family loves me. It is not a dysfunctional family. But I have lived in it too long and I have gotten stupid, soft, and lazy. I should have moved out long ago and become a proper goddamn grownup. I'm nearly thirty. I should have left a long time ago...
I'm so goddamn stupid sometimes.
Now I have to go breathe until it's safe to get changed and go to the party.
Mom says, "We're going to the party now-" A family of our friends is having a tree trimming party tonight.
"I'll be there soon," I say.
... I can't even remember the next part of the conversation straight. What it amounted to was 'you're irresponsible and you LIED this morning', 'I was scared, you were so angry that I blurted the first thing that came into my head', 'which was a lie', 'well-', 'which was a LIE', 'well, yeah, and I'm sorry, but you were so angry-', 'I was angry this morning, I wasn't angry about the twenty five minutes when I came home now, I was angry about being lied to', quite a lot of stuff about irresponsibility and what if that had been a cop or firefighter (which is what made me think to get up and look out the window in the first place), and 'you're going to have a LOT MORE RESPONSIBILITY from now on, it's nice that you clean the kitchen but there is LOTS more to running a house than that and you're going to do your share', etc.
All right, I can deal with that- even with the recently increased rent- but... God, I am such an ass. Such a fucking ass. I don't trust myself to go out of the house right now, since I'd just be going to the same party and I'm terrified I might say or do the wrong thing and someone might ask why I looked upset and I'd say it and it'd just get all over the place...
I'm such a goddamned moron. And, apparently, I have no fucking sense of responsibility to the household.
Goddamn it.
I have got to get a job that lets me move out. My family loves me. It is not a dysfunctional family. But I have lived in it too long and I have gotten stupid, soft, and lazy. I should have moved out long ago and become a proper goddamn grownup. I'm nearly thirty. I should have left a long time ago...
I'm so goddamn stupid sometimes.
Now I have to go breathe until it's safe to get changed and go to the party.
