Today's disturbing entertainment idea...

I don't watch 'reality tv', mostly because I develop this irresistible urge to make MST3k comments and throw things every time I see the commercials for Temptation Island or Survivor or whatever. But an idea percolated through my head last night that I thought I'd share:

Make the people on Survivor REALLY earn that million dollars! Change the host. Give Jeff Probst a talk show or something, and put someone else in charge of the challenges...

"Crikey! LOOK at that bewdy of a salt-water croc! All roight, gang, you know what t'do. Your tribe's got t'have him captured an' brought back, alive an' unharmed, to this end of the island by sundown tonight. And no faiyah gettin' out of the challenge by gettin' yerselves bitten by sea snakes like the other tribe did yesterday..."

SURVIVOR: STEVE IRWIN
Outwit - Outlast - Outrun the Host
"For the love of God, somebody vote me off this island!"

Today's pulp survival tip is #55: Never pick up a snake that's longer than your arm.

It's begun.

I wondered how long it would be before these started crystallizing out of my brain. Behold, the first song for Beauty and the Bullets.

Ah-Chiang (Reprise)

(spoken)
[Little Guan - note 1]
Help! Somebody help me!
[Desk Sergeant]
Little Guan?
[Little Guan]
Please! Please, I have to make a report. He's got her - he's taken her hostage!
[Shagua - note 2]
Who?
[Little Guan]
Mei Li. If he finds out I've been here, he'll kill her! We have to move quickly!
[Yu Cha Guei - note 3]
Whoa! Slow down, Little Guan. Who's taken Mei Li hostage?
[Little Guan]
A gangster! A Triad man who calls himself Qinshou. He took her as ransom for me…
[Officer #1]
This gangster - you've seen him?
[Little Guan]
Yes! Not today, but-
[Officer #2]
He wanted ransom for you?
[Little Guan]
Tens of thousands of dollars!
[Officer #3]
And he took your daughter instead?
[Little Guan]
Yes! Yes! Can you help me?
[Yu Cha Guei]
All right, old man. We'll help you out.
[Little Guan]
You will? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
(The desk sergeant holds up a filled out report; Little Guan leaves and the report is dropped in the trash)
[Desk sergeant]
Crazy old Little Guan. Like anyone would hold him for a ten thousand dollar ransom.
[Officer #1]
Mei Li probably ran away with her boyfriend.
[Yu Cha Guei]
Ran away with her boyfriend, hmmm? . . . Ran away with her boyfriend. Hmmm.

(sung)
Shagua, I'm afraid I've been thinking

[Shagua]
A dangerous pastime

[Yu Cha Guei]
I know.
But that former cop is Mei's father
And he just doesn't lie, as you know

Now the sands in my head have been falling
Since we heard from that frightened old man
See, I've promised myself that I'd bring down Ah-Chiang
And right now I'm evolving a plan

If I. . . (whisper)

[Shagua]
Hai?

[Yu Cha Guei]
Then we. . . .(whisper)

[Shagua]
No! Would he. . .

[Yu Cha Guei]
(whisper, snaps fingers) Like that!

[Shagua]
Now I get it!

[Both]
Let's roll!

Oh, we're coming, Ah-Chiang

[Yu Cha Guei]
Say your prayers now, Ah-Chiang

[Shagua]
'Cause your most trusted boy's gonna sink you, Ah-Chiang

[Entire Station]
So promotions we'll all soon be celebrating
My what a guy!
Ah-Chiang!

***

Note 1: St. Maurice is patron of infantry soldiers in Roman Catholicism. Therefore, Belle/Mei's father is named after General Guan, the patron deity of soldiers and uniformed law enforcement.
Note 2: Trans.: idiot.
Note 3: The legendary wicked government official's name works pretty well for a corrupt cop, I figure.

***

I may have something to sing at Filk Ontario after all. eeee.