camwyn: (Megatron demands an explanation)
[personal profile] camwyn
Og here.

It long time since Og come here, talk about movie Og watch. Og sorry. In Og defense Og not watch that many movie for some time. Og spend more time play game on Xbox 360. Pretty sure Og probably get better value for Og hard-earned rabbit skin but that not important now. Og here to talk about movie Og watch last night. Og watch Transformers: Dark of Moon.

First thing Og say about Transformers in general: Og watch first Transformers live-action movie in public cave. Og like very much. Og very happy with first movie. Og aware other fan of Transformers thing not necessarily happy with first movie. That their problem. Og watch first movie, Og like. Og watch second movie, Transformers: Revenge of Fallen and Og first word after come out of public cave was, “THAT NOT GOOD MOVIE.” Og not go into that here. It take too long list all things make Og not happy with Revenge of Fallen. All fire in world go out before Og finish talk about all things make Og not happy with Revenge of Fallen. Maybe big fire in sky go out before Og finish, it that bad.

But that not why Og here. Og here for third movie. Og not watch third movie in public cave because Revenge of Fallen leave very bad taste in Og mouth, like what happen if rain get into clan supply of gathered food and gathered food have fuzzy thing grow on it by time Og eat. Og afraid to watch Dark of Moon because Og expect get bad taste in mouth again. Og only watch because friend of Og watch Dark of Moon, tell Og, “Og, you watch this movie. Want talk about this movie. Please watch for me.” So Og do.

This friend very good friend of Og. That only reason Og keep watching first hour of movie. First hour Dark of Moon probably most painful hour of movie Og ever watch. No, really. Og spend first hour of movie thinking, “Why Og doing this? Og friend understand if Og stop, surely? Maybe Og have small animal knock over Xbox, claim disk broke? Maybe Og do like small animal trap in snare, gnaw off Og own leg, run far away on leg Og still have left? GREAT SPIRITS WHY YOU DO THIS TO OG. WHYYYYYY.”

First hour of movie have some metal man, that okay, kind of. Mostly first hour of movie have human. Many human. That not bad in itself. Og like Lennox. Og like Sam Witwicky. Og like Sam Witwicky dad in first movie and second movie. Og even like John Turturro crazy man- Agent Simmons, that him name. Og prepared for human in giant metal man movie. Og not prepared for horrible horrible horrible bad BAD human interact with other human. Not sure who write human part for this movie but Og must say, Og never watch movie and want slap every single person on screen so much. Never. Ever. Even Memento, where Og realize not one single person in movie worth caring about. Og spend first hour of movie want to grab every human on screen, throw in lake, shout “ACT LIKE HUMAN WITH SENSE. YOU THINK YOU INTERESTING BUT YOU NOT.”

Og not happy with girl either. Girl pretty, yes. But that all. Girl too pretty for like Sam Witwicky for no reason. Movie give pretend reason, say girl work at embassy, meet Sam when Clan-Chief of Clan-Chiefs give Sam big shiny medal. Say girl impressed with Sam. But that lame reason. Sam done with metal men. Sam done with school. Sam not have job, not with people lead all clans, not with people hunt for all clans, not with anybody. Sam not able get proper job because everybody crazy. Not kidding. Everybody crazy in this movie. Even John Malkovich. Pretty sure John Malkovich have bite from Gary Busey on him somewhere, him that crazy. But anyway, Sam not have job and Sam not have robot and pretty girl say she love Sam for Sam, which nice idea, but hard to swallow since Sam not impressive any more. Og think movie ask Og believe too much there. Especially since girl get mad when Sam finally try to do thing with metal men again, because it too dangerous. That only thing unusual about Sam! That make Sam interesting! Why you like Sam and then tell him “no, Sam, not do thing make you interesting, want you alive but not do anything”? Bah.

Anyway. Og complain enough about humans. Og not thrilled with metal men in first part movie either but that not as bad. Og pretty happy see metal men work with humans in several part of world. Also Og happy see metal men go to moon.(Very first part of movie all about how metal men crash into moon and old Clan-Chief of Clan-Chiefs say “AMERICA MUST GO TO MOON” without tell people it because him want get giant metal men ship before Russia get giant metal men ship. Og not mention that because other part of first part of movie make Og unhappy to point where little vein on Og forehead start throbbing. Sorry.) Metal men go to moon, come back with thing from ship, also come back with GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY.

Yes, yes, there also part with Lennox and Optimus visit Chernobyl, have bad time with big big metal worm thing, come back with chunk from space. That part of plot, that okay. But Og mostly remember Optimus come back from space and bring GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY back to life. Og squeal like small animal when big animal step on it as soon as GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY start talking. Him name Sentinel Prime but Og mostly think GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY when Og hear him talk so you deal with that. Thing from ship part of space bridge. Make space bridge work and it possible go many many many many mile in single step, or bring many many many thing from far away to here in single moment. That very cool. Og like idea. Og not like Frances McDormand as Cranky Cranky Lady In Charge Of Keep People Safe, who yell at GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY and Optimus for bring weapon of mass destruction without ask permission, but that just part of why Og not like first hour of movie. Pretty sure that point where Og start thinking maybe Og chew off own foot. Lady, GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY maybe refugee in your clan land but him genius AND him much much older than you. Stop being snotty for sake of being snotty. It not helping anything, least of all movie.

Anyway. Other thing happen. Sam have thing happen at job him finally get with John Malkovich. Sam have crazy man at work tell him about dark side of moon, tell him go find people protect all clans, warn everybody aliens coming back. Then Lazerbeak show up and kill crazy man at work, try kill Sam too. That just part of plot where many people die of Decepticon but that part of plot buried under many many painful thing. Og wish movie remember, if good thing buried under dung heap, sooner or later Og gonna stop trying to dig through dung, and even if Og dig through dung anyway, what Og mostly gonna remember? Not good thing. Dung.

Sam try tell people protect all clans about this. Cranky Lady In Charge Of Keep People Safe act like wooly rhino with bad tooth at him a lot. Sam get message through anyway. Other thing happen. Og forget some of next part because Og so tired of stupid-for-no-reason people by now. There stuff with boss of girl who live with Sam. Og not real happy with that part either. It gratuitous. Og start think maybe Og just give up for night and then it turn out GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY is traitor and HOLY MAMMOTH DUNG GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY JUST KILLED IRONHIDE.

IT SPLOSION TIME.

Og hate sound like people image of brainless dude, but Og have to say, once movie start have plenty of splodey-go-boom, movie SO. MUCH. BETTER. Og sorry see Ironhide die. Ironhide Og favorite metal dude in these movie. But it GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY who kill him and it start make movie so. Much. Better, so Og forgive.

It turn out GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY not want fight Decepticons. Him made deal with Megatron, because him not think Autobots win war, ever. Him fight with Optimus, tell humans him people here to get things for rebuild Cybertron, make Autobots go away. Humans send Autobots away. Decepticons blow up Autobot ship as it take off, go HA HA STUPID HUMAN, next thing you know Chicago full of Decepticons and humans up to eyeballs in mammoth dung.

Og spend brief moment this part of movie thinking, “Humans, you have city full of many many metal men want kill you. You not have enough weapon fight them all in regular way. All of them in one place. Maybe you wanna think about use special weapon now, make big shiny lake of glass. Chicago only one city. Maybe it better lose Chicago people, save whole world from killer metal men. Just saying.” Then Og stop think this because more splodey-go-boom happen and Decepticons have airships and oh look it Epps, Og happy to see Epps again from first and second movie but Og worried they gonna kill Epps. Epps trying help Sam rescue girl from girl boss, since girl boss work for Megatron- it long story, Og not bother tell whole thing here- and girl boss take girl to Chicago with him, and Sam want get girl but Decepticons seal off Chicago and everybody gonna die HOLY MAMMOTH DUNG IT OPTIMUS, HIM NOT DEAD AFTER ALL.

Lot of movie like that.

It turn out Autobots not on ship get blown up, Autobots hide on part of ship that fall off when ship launch. Autobots figure it only way convince humans Decepticons never ever ever gonna go away even if Autobots gone, because humans very stupid about that. It kind of jerk move but Og have trouble argue with Autobots on that one. Fighting start for real and serious now and it AWESOME. (Og wish not so much slow motion, though. That get old real fast. That get old when it happen in Pretend World Inside Thinking Machines with Keanu Reeves.) There plenty awesome fighting and also Shockwave, who have best ride EVER. Shockwave come to Chicago on big metal worm thing. Big metal worm thing bigger than big worm thing in Desert Planet. Big metal worm thing eat big worm thing in Desert Planet for little afternoon snack. Big metal worm thing something out of scary story by sad man from Rhode Island. It awesome ride. Too bad Shockwave not do much to merit big awesome ride. Og would have like see Shockwave be that awesome.

There other good thing, though. And girl spend most of movie screaming, falling, being useless, but in end do one thing redeem herself. Girl walk up to Megatron, tell Megatron “wow, you stupid. You supposed be leader. GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY more awesome than you. Him not gonna let you be in charge. You him bitch.” It take solid granite ones say that to Megatron face.

Also at one point GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY justify himself to Optimus, say, “What you fail to understand is, sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few!”. Og jaw fall right off Og head when Og hear that. Og jaw fall off again later because when Optimus fight GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY with swords, GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY finally get him down on ground, raise own sword for kill, tell him something end with “In the end there can be only one!”

And then Og jaw stay off because Optimus not lose head. Optimus not lose head because Megatron save him. By accident. Megatron too mad about what girl tell him, think most important thing kill GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY right now, fight Optimus later. If Megatron think a little better then whole movie end very different but Megatron like two-head dude from Douglas Adams book- ‘if anything here more important than my ego, I want it taken out and shot right now’. Also probably Megatron think ‘eh, GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY take Optimus arm off already, him easy to fight later AGH MY HEAD’. Because yeah, that how it happen, Optimus kill Megatron right there with sword so head come off. Then Optimus kill GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY with giant metal man shotgun. No, not kidding, him have giant metal man sawed-off shotgun. Not sure where it come from.

Movie end pretty much happy, with most Autobots alive and Decepticons mostly squished. Og not sure who gonna lead Decepticons still alive. Optimus kill Megatron and GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY. Bumblebee kill Soundwave. Humans kill Shockwave. Sam kill Starscream and Og not see ghost of Starscream even though there ALWAYS ghost of Starscream. Maybe someone else left somewhere but Og not counting on it. Optimus make speech about always protect Earth and movie finish. Crazy John Turturro smooch Frances McDormand during credits and then it all over.

Og like this movie better than Revenge of Fallen but that not hard. Og suggest if you watch movie, you skip first hour. It not worth it. Okay, maybe scene where Alan Tudyk (him work for Crazy John Turturro in this) flip out in bar full of Russian and nearly blow everyone face off worth it, but otherwise first hour not worth it. Og have less painful time watch First Knight, which only movie Og ever want Og hard-earned rabbit pelts back after watching. Just sit with finger on button make movie go fast and wait for someone stab Ironhide. Then go “NOOO GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY I TRUSTED YOU” and watch rest of movie. It have about same effect.

That all for now. Maybe more from Og next time Og watch movie!

Date: 2011-12-09 02:22 pm (UTC)
ext_27667: (lulz: optimus prime for prez)
From: [identity profile] viridian.livejournal.com
HOORAY FOR GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY!

(Also I kind of love First Knight, but I'm not under the impression that it's a good movie in any way.)

Date: 2011-12-09 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spooky-lemur.livejournal.com
I kind of liked First Knight as well. It was cheesy as all hell but a fun cheesy.

Date: 2011-12-09 05:41 pm (UTC)
ext_21680: Blocky drawing of me (awkward)
From: [identity profile] e-mily.livejournal.com
(Me too... then again, I feel like a complete outcast from my entire chosen profession because I like Cats...)

Date: 2011-12-09 03:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladymondegreen.livejournal.com
Thank you, Og. This hysterical.

Date: 2011-12-09 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spooky-lemur.livejournal.com
Og great reviewer. Thank you Og. = ]

Date: 2011-12-09 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] antepathy.livejournal.com
"Pretty sure John Malkovich have bite from Gary Busey on him somewhere, him that crazy."

This is the best line ever written by humanity.

Date: 2011-12-10 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kickair8p.livejournal.com
I'm not sure Og's human. How 'bout "This is the best line ever written by any primate"?

~

Date: 2011-12-09 06:17 pm (UTC)
genarti: Small lizard (possibly a gecko?) with open mouth and text ":D". ([misc] squeak of GLEE)
From: [personal profile] genarti
Og reviews BEST reviews.

Date: 2011-12-09 08:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] drharper.livejournal.com
Epona sorry Og had to suffer so. Suggest Og use Doctor Who to remove bad taste from mouth.

Date: 2011-12-09 10:16 pm (UTC)
mephron: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mephron
Og should play it through straight, if only for the experience of being Megatron for a bit before being heroic.

Date: 2011-12-09 09:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nesmith.livejournal.com
Og might also find refuge by watching video of the song from this movie set to Star Trek or Supernatural, makes it much more enjoyable.

Date: 2011-12-10 02:55 am (UTC)
ymfaery: animated Avengers movie logo (makkai)
From: [personal profile] ymfaery
GIANT METAL LEONARD NIMOY was also in the first animated movie, yes? As the big planet-eating thing, the name of which I don't recall right now? So maybe the traitor part would not be that big a surprise if one remembered that.

Date: 2011-12-10 03:08 am (UTC)
ymfaery: animated Avengers movie logo (chaobell:  fizzgigg-fit)
From: [personal profile] ymfaery
Oh, I got them mixed up? Oh well, my bad.

Still, if I had seen the movie and heard Nimoy, my first thought would have been, "Is he going to turn out to be evil (later)?" Just saying. ;)

Date: 2011-12-10 03:49 am (UTC)
silveraspen: silver trees against a blue sky background (Default)
From: [personal profile] silveraspen
Thanks, Og!

Date: 2011-12-10 08:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bodldops.livejournal.com
Og, I <3 this. :D

Date: 2011-12-10 03:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com
Og, where have you been?!. The worlds needs you Og. Do not hide in cave not warn us about bad movie. Many many brain cells die when you do not warn us, Og.

Date: 2011-12-11 11:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aethereal-girl.livejournal.com
Og, I love your movie reviews. Will you hit me over the head with a club and drag me back to your cave by the hair?

Date: 2011-12-12 12:45 am (UTC)
batyatoon: (chibi!)
From: [personal profile] batyatoon
Og! Toon miss Og. Happy see Og again anytime even if not writing movie review.

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camwyn: Me in a bomber jacket and jeans standing next to a green two-man North Andover Flight Academy helicopter. (Default)
camwyn

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