Ah, what a morning.

[camwyn]

I am very easy to please in the morning, most of the time. A cup of coffee so heavily adulterated with milk and sugar that it shuts off the hunger receptors will do. A few good songs in a row on the radio, sans irritating morning-show banter, will also do it. But there's one thing that mornings can give me that's nearly as good as a webcomic about monkey pirates and ninjas put together...

The opportunity to make a stupid person regret being stupid.

See, most people who're stupid don't mean to be. They're not even all-around stupid - they just do stupid things, even though they're smart. It just happens, and they never realize it. It's not fair to get snarly at them, because if everyone got snarly every time someone was unintentionally stupid, Miss Manners would throw up her hands in despair as we lunged at each other's throats faster than you can say 'I was in a hurry, that's why I cut him off in traffic'. It's when people are genuinely, deliberately, on-purpose stupid that it's okay to get mad. . . and when their stupidity implies that YOU are ALSO stupid that you're entitled to take revenge.

I got to my office this morning and started my email as per usual, then walked away. It takes a while to load the stupid thing up in the mornings, so I figured I could get a cup of coffee or something. When I came back to my computer I saw two spam emails, four legitimate emails, and one... other... email in my inbox. Hmm, say I, that title looks awfully suspicious. Normal people looking for Red Cross assistance don't title their stuff 'urgent assistance', for the most part. They're more specific than that. Better not delete that until you've had a look. So I had a look, and there it was...


RE:ASSISTANCE TO ABSORB THE SUM OF USD$50,000,000 FOR SAFE KEEPING/INVESTMENT

I greet you in the name of the most high God.I am suleman bamiyi son of the currently detained chief of army staff,Gen.ishaya Bamiyi during the past military administration of late Gen. Sani Abacha . At the moment my father is facing trial and is been kept under serious survellance by the present civilian government of president olusegun obasanjor.The reason why I am now contacting you,is because my father has confided in me to source for a trustworthy foreigner who can assist us to keep the sum of 50,000,000 usd in his coustody.this funds has been secretly withdrawn into the safe of a security company overseas,and my father at the moment because of the trial he is facing dose not want this funds to be traced to him or any member of our family...


Eyup yup, that's the good old-fashioned Nigerian Scam, the '419 letter', the basis for the Uruk of Mordor proposition that khaosworks found. Stupid, stupid little man! Did you think that just because I had an email address at the Red Cross that I would look for any possible source of income, or any possible chance to help? What you ask, dear lad, is illegal. In both our countries. What you propose is fraud, plain and simple, because I know you have no intention of following through on any of this. This kind of letter has been around FOREVER. Wretched little man, I am on to you. And do you know how? Hmm? The United States Secret Service, that is how. Behold:

PUBLIC AWARENESS ADVISORY REGARDING "4-1-9" OR "ADVANCE FEE FRAUD" SCHEMES

The perpetrators of Advance Fee Fraud (AFF), known internationally as "4-1-9" fraud after the section of the Nigerian penal code which addresses fraud schemes, are often very creative and innovative... 4-1-9 Schemes frequently use the following tactics:

* An individual or company receives a letter or fax from an alleged "official" representing a foreign government or agency;
* An offer is made to transfer millions of dollars in "over invoiced contract" funds into your personal bank account;
* You are encouraged to travel overseas to complete the transaction;
* You are requested to provide blank company letterhead forms, banking account information, telephone/fax numbers;
* You receive numerous documents with official looking stamps, seals and logo testifying to the authenticity of the proposal;
* Eventually you must provide up-front or advance fees for various taxes, attorney fees, transaction fees or bribes;
* Other forms of 4-1-9 schemes include: c.o.d. of goods or services, real estate ventures, purchases of crude oil at reduced prices, beneficiary of a will, recipient of an award and paper currency conversion.

Little man, I know you are lying to me. I know you are using an email address at a free service within the United States of America, because I have traced your headers and gone to their site. I have faxed your letter to the Feds, as per their request. (In response to this growing epidemic, the United States Secret Service established "Operation 4-1-9" designed to target Nigerian Advance Fee Fraud on an international basis. The Financial Crimes Division of the Secret Service receives approximately 100 telephone calls from victims/potential victims and 300-500 pieces of related correspondence per day. If you have received a letter, but have not lost any monies to this scheme, please fax a copy of that letter to (202) 406-5031.) They will find you. They will get you. And I will sleep better at night, knowing that in some small way, I have helped to rescue the world from one more very, very stupid person.

Congratulations, sir, you made my morning.

Comments

Once again, you rock...

[quintus.livejournal.com]

It is always nice to find someone to be unpleasant to with the full force of the law, morality and Darwinism behind one isn't it? :-)


I have yet to find a decent UK equivalent of the US Secret Service initiative, but I've only had the one 419 letter so far.
I did have some fun with it, as the thing went to an In Character email for an LRP system but they stopped emailing me when I asked them about the conversion rate between the Dollar and the Sesterce and the possibility of the payment being in slaves, wood suitable for trireme construction or Tyrian purple. Honestly, some people have no sense of humour.

Re: Once again, you rock...

[camwyn]

PH34R |\/|Y L337 PH3|)3R4L PH4K5I|\/|IL3 5K1LLZ, B1ZN47(|-|!!!!!!

*ahem* Sorry. I feel better now. I don't get to do the Happy Dance of LARTing all that often.