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camwynWhen last we saw our hero, he and Barney and a bunch of citizens had decided they REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to see the Tibetan collection* of the Newark Museum. This would probably be a whole lot easier if there weren't some kind of horrifying energy weapon on the roof vaporizing people, walls, houses, the city of Rak Hagga... You think I'm kidding? I'm not. The Combine won their merit badges in crowd control by building a people-suppressing device that leaves BIG GLOWY PATCHES OF EMPTINESS where the street used to be. Or the people in the street. Or the cars next to the people in the street. I'm not sure how that one got past cost containment, it can't be particularly energy efficient compared to rolling over people with armored cars or something... ah, well. The goal is to get into the museum and shut down My First Death Star.
Problem: the museum is now something called an Overwatch Nexus. This is code for 'it was big and well built and everybody who worked here was dead, so we told the soldiers they had a new playground and put up an energy wall around it after they were all inside'. It makes sense, since there's the death star equipment on the roof and all, but it's really kind of a pain in the neck. Especially when you come out of a battle in the main museum rotunda, and you're in full 'keep an eye out, they might still rappel in through the giant hole in the dome' mode, and your medic who looks vaguely like Kevin Spacey suddenly says for NO GOOD REASON AT ALL:
"You know... when this is all over? I'm gonna mate."
...
...
.......
MORE THAN DR. FREEMAN WANTED TO KNOW, SIR.
I spent the next several minutes making incoherent shrieky noises at the screen; it was one of very few moments when I had to actually pause the game because I was laughing too hard to continue. It was not helped by the fact that I'd just saved the game right after he said it, and when I reloaded at one point, the next random phrase out of a rebel's mouth was on the order of "Why are you telling me this?"
EXCELLENT QUESTION. REALLY. You keep asking him that, Gordon's gonna go play Whack-A-Mole now.
Or rather, Kaboom-A-Frickin'-Underground-Turret. The turrets in the museum were built into the floor- I guess the museum sysadmin was big on raised floors for installing circuitry, because there's enough room for fully automatic guns that never need to reload to be installed under the floor tiles. And the only way to get rid of the bally things is to get a grenade under their lids while they're popped up and shooting. So Gordon has to go do explosive bowling and not take his own face off. Fun times.
Most of what I remember about the run through the museum is that you have to play with the Combine's balls several times. They die really really good if you whang them in the head with the energy orbs. As in, like, *twitch* *spaz* *levitate, turn black, dissolve in a heap* kind of really good. Also there's a marble bust of Dr. Breen you can break. Unless you're me, in which case it's a bust of Dr. Breen you can moon, or at least do an ass dance at, and then break.
What? I'm easily amused. You haven't figured this out by now?
When you've cleared the museum and Pillsy McOversharing is either dead or ready to get himself some more violence, it's time to head up to the roof. The Combine have air support. Gordon does not. This is grossly unfair and the fact that there are crates containing an infinite number of rockets scattered around the rooftop for you only sort of makes up for that fact. Well, okay, that and the general coolness of watching a gunship synth scream and fall down in smoke after you hit it with rockets enough times. I kind of like that animation, at least on the PC. My Xbox has a tendency to render it in multiple flashy squares, which is kind of annoying. As long as it doesn't fall on your head, don't fuss over where you shoot it down. Pretty much all of Newark is on fire by now, and if it's not on fire it's probably exploding, so one more synth falling out of the sky isn't going to make a difference.
What happens next, now, is another story. Because what happens next involves the following:
- a museum courtyard with sod-all in the way of real cover
- people dying a lot
- crates of rockets
- Striders
- Other Striders
- More Striders
- NO I AM NOT EXAGGERATING THEY JUST KEEP COMING DEAR GOD HOW MANY OF THESE DAMN THINGS ARE THERE WHY ARE THEY NOT DYING HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO HIT THEM MAKE IT STOP MOMMY MAKE IT STOP
ahahahaha, just kidding. It doesn't stop. Even when you think it's stopped, it doesn't stop. Because even after you've killed a bunch of Striders- and I'm not sure they don't just keep infinitely spawning, I tried to kill them all and wound up just bolting the instant I realized the Combine barricade in the next street was open- Gordon's still got a parking garage to get through. Parking garages are just another way of saying 'tunnels with walls you can see', and what did I tell you about those last time? Right. They are all trying to kill Gordon. This one uses soldiers, not zombies or poison or Tocklafane. By this point, fighting soldiers was a positive relief for my Gordon, because compared to Striders they go down so, so easy. So very easy.
He really shouldn't have thought that, mind you, because not long afterwards he wound up on top of a building that could pretty much be described with the Bloom County panel a scene of unimaginable violence. And why was it unimaginable, you ask? Was it because of the soldiers on all the other buildings in the area? Maybe a little. How about the gunship that flew by overhead? Mmm, not really. What about, oh... the evil daddy longleggers of horrible blasty death stalking through the streets on three out of four sides of the building?? yeah, that'd do it. Congrats, Gordon, you're on the topmost floor of a building that's currently constructed more out of hole than of actual building, and you and your buddies and the random citizens on the roof (who keep saying things like 'Hey! Freeman! You're not leaving without me!' or 'There's Dr. Freeman, follow him!', much to my poor Gordon's distress) have to kill ALL the evil daddy longleggers of horrible blasty death.
Gordon really, really really just wants to go back to Seattle about now. That not being on the agenda, I suspect... well, there's a story about a female Soviet soldier who told a reporter many years after the fact that her commander never said anything like 'for the Motherland' or 'for Great Comrade Stalin' during battle. Apparently he threatened to render violent buttsex upon the bodies of his enemies when he charged into the fray. I'd be really, really surprised if somebody on that rooftop wasn't screaming about how they'd find some big damn rebar and shove it RIGHT up the Striders' warp cannons given half a chance, and I'd be even more surprised if Gordon weren't silently agreeing with the sentiment. You know. In between trying to jam his rockets in there instead.
When the damn hellspiders are finally dead, the only way off the roof is by a girder climb and drop. Barney and Dog turn out to be in the area, which is great, except for the part where it turns out that Dog is convinced Alyx's been taken to the Citadel, which is kind of a problem given that it's the Dark and Sinister Heart of the Evil Enemy's Power and all. We will now stop to consult the Evil Overlord List:
"10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well."
Listen to the Evil Overlord List, Dr. Breen. It speaks the truth. Especially when the population inside your borders contains Gordon Freeman. Because, see, he's had a really bad day, he's covered in guns, he's covered in ichor, and he's got a nine-foot-tall combat droid ripping open the giant protective wall around your dark and sinister tower to let him in just so he can have the pleasure of feeding you your own ass. And delivering a message from Barney Calhoun, which I will quote here directly from the subtitles given as Gordon jumps into the hole to begin his journey into the Citadel itself:
"And if you see Dr. Breen, tell him I said, fu-- you!"
Well spoken, Barney.
From here all that remains is the journey from ground level up to the very, very top of the Citadel. I'll cover that tomorrow.
*The Newark Museum has one of the biggest collections of Tibetan artifacts in the hemisphere, along with an altar room consecrated by the Dalai Lama himself. It is a seriously cool museum and if you are ever in Newark and cannot escape the city for some reason, you should go.
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 01:35 pm (UTC)Glad you like what I've got so far, though.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 11:58 am (UTC)Bonus points if he actually used this or equivalent phrasing.
"I WILL RENDER VIOLENT BUTTSEX UPON YOUR BODY!!!!!1"
(You're not the only one who's easily amused.)
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 01:34 pm (UTC)On the other hand, the reason the story stuck in memory is because apparently the next line of the interview with the female soldier was, "He was very upset when he heard me saying the exact same things."
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 01:37 pm (UTC)I can't imagine why!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 12:16 pm (UTC)I'm surprised you didn't mention the room with all the red lasers. Or where you get sealed in. When I navigated my way through the whole damn room of red lasers and got to the end, I was like "you must be kidding me. You made me jump through all those hoops for a few freaking health packs?"
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 01:33 pm (UTC)