camwyn | Half-Life 2, Part 7: BUGS BUGS BUGS OH GOD IT'S ALL BUGS

When last we saw our hero, Gordon had just watched the Combine tow his car away. From here there wasn't a lot I could do except be grateful for his tiny feet and his prehensile ass, because the cliffside trail from here was almost as skinny as the one back at Black Mesa that induced hyperventilation at the thought of the drop to the river. The drop's not as bad here, of course, but given that it ends in the SEA FULL OF CARNIVOROUS SPACE LEECHES, you really don't want to do it. Trust in the tiny feet and the prehensile ass, and be careful about the jumps (there are gaps in the trail), and you'll manage.

Oh, and, um, don't forget to look up. The Gundam of Evil that towed the car away also dropped off some extra soldiers and some of them might get the bright idea to shoot at you from over the cliff. That, or there were still soldiers alive when Gordon went up the lighthouse to fight the gunship, but if that's the case then somebody needs to talk to the rebels about checking corpses and sweeping the area more carefully.

Anyway. The trail leads to- whee- a tunnel. The tunnel leads to an odd area with sand and rocks ~~and rocks and sand and sand and rocks~~- sorry, I'm trying to make a case for this being New Jersey, not Canada. Anyway. Sand, big rocks, crap on the ground, and two guys, one of whom is busy bleeding. The other one spots you coming and gets all flaily. Apparently, he and his buddy are staying where they are because the antlions are in a really bad mood today and stepping on the sand makes them crazy. Those of you who've read Dune may recall the drumsand, where it didn't MATTER if you walked without rhythm, because the slightest pressure on the sand would cause it to go THOOM THOOM THOOM and worms would show up. It's like that. Only without the thoom. And with bugs instead of worms. And-

--- BEGIN RANTY TIME ---

-and without the part where it MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL. Because, see, in Dune there was a reason for the worms acting like that. Female sandworms thumped rhythmically against the surface sands to attract males at mating time and NO I do not want to picture what happened afterwards eew you people. Footfalls in any kind of rhythm on Dune sand would cause hopeful, somewhat desperate male worms to show up. Thumpers summoned bigger male worms or worms from further away, who then got very cranky because not only was there no girl but there were people sticking pointy things under their body segments and jerking them around. It all made a certain amount of sense.

This section does not.

The antlions are sensitive to seismic vibrations, which is why the HL 2 thumpers keep them away. HL 2 thumpers are big and hurty. The antlions show no particular urge to attack the thumpers unless you're near them. This makes sense...

... but then you think for a moment and remember the antlions rupturing out of the sand when you drove across it....

... and then you realize that walking on the sand attracts antlions to you....

... and then you see that you can use the gravity gun to pick up wooden pallets and step on them and the antlions don't show up...

... and then you realize that you can put A SHEET OF ROOFING TIN ON THE SAND and walk on THAT and STILL the bugs don't show up. A SHEET OF TIN. You walk on it and you make rhythmic footfalls that sound just like footfalls on sand except maybe louder and the bugs still don't show up. BUT THEY SHOWED UP FOR THE SOUND OF TIRES, which isn't even all that rhythmic since it's bloody CYCLICAL. WTF. No sense at all! None!

--- END RANTY TIME ---

Anyway. The antlions pop up to attack Bleeding Guy and his buddy. On the Xbox I sort of hadn't realized you could kill them yourself with a simple shotgun blast instead of only being able to knock them over with the gravgun (I thought only the zapper on the car could kill them), so the two rebels sort of got, um, eaten. By the time I got to the PC version I'd had the error of my ways made clear to me, and while Bleeding Guy died, his companion did not. Which was hysterical, because his companion promptly launched into a wailing mournful spiel about "dear God! Lazlo! The finest mind of his generation, gone! *sob* OHNOES! We were going to the Vortigaunt camp to get some bug bait but *sniffle* without Lazlo, what's the point? *sob* I know you tried to help. I don't blame you. *weepy* I- I'll stay here. With *snurk* Lazlo. There's something I have to do." I can't really blame people for mourning their best friends' deaths at the claws of merciless alien bug monsters, but the guy's delivery is remarkably drama queeny. Possibly he was an actor before all hell broke loose, I don't know.

No, he does not actually say 'ohnoes', but you kind of expect it from him.

At any rate he does warn you again not to step on the sand. I spent a good half-hour or more in the Xbox game jumping carefully from rock to rock and pulling stuff over using the gravity gun in order to do this, picking my way sloooowly across the landscape, getting supplies, activating the generator to turn on the thumper, etc. etc. etc. It took forever. It was excruciating.

On the PC I tried to do the same thing, but after one of my jumps failed to land me on the rock and the screen started shaking, I said 'screw it' and got out the shotgun. And then leaned on the sprint key and ran like a damn racehorse. Did you know that if you're not interested in gathering supplies, and you have a sufficient quantity of shotgun ammo, you can outrun 9/10 of the antlions in this chapter? 's truth. Run like hell for the nearest rock, turn around, shoot five or six of the antlions behind you, then jump onto rocks a couple of times to gain yourself some breathing space, then hold down that sprint key and run again. Don't bother going off for supplies anywhere. Make for the house and run around the back to turn on the generator. Do not do NOT go into the house, as there's sand in there, plus it's dark and the antlions are all trying out for the roles of grues in the next Zork production, whenever that might be. Just push the button and run like you're Jack Sparrow in the second POTC movie. Screaming and flailing optional.

This tactic did backfire on me at one point. To get to the Vort camp- which is to say, the way out of the chapter- I had to jump up on a rock to get the altitude necessary to jump onto another rock. Which is fine, except that if you fall short of the second rock you land on sand between the two, and both of them are taller than your shoulders, and the bugs are coming straight in your direction. At one point I actually tried to fight my way out of this, but I realized that the corpses were starting to stack up to the point where they were at nose level and the bugs were still coming... Remember Doom? Remember how one of the Doom games was subtitled "Knee-Deep In The Dead"? Like that. Only worse. There's a lot of things to be said for going down fighting, but "whee! I like it!" isn't one of them. I reloaded the game and was more careful about my jumping the next time. Only a couple of the antlions bothered to fly at me after I got up onto the ridge, so that was something of a relief. The Ash Williams approach only lasts so long before all the screaming bugs and ichor starts to get to you.

Anyway, at this point you're on top of a ridge and you've got a sand sea full of angry bugs behind you. Ahead of you is... well, proof that God doesn't like you, Gordon Freeman. It's a huge open sand area littered with boxes, crap, supply crates, two corpses, and more crap. There is no cover anywhere. This was the point when I gave up on the Don't Step On The Sand achievement, because I had no desire to spend another half-hour gravgunning stuff over to carefully line it up in a magical carpet of TOTALLY BROKEN LOGIC, HONESTLY PEOPLE, WHAT WERE YOU -

*SLAP*

Okay, I'm better. I'm sorry. The artificiality of the challenge on this level sort of got to me.

Anyway. Gordon steps onto the sand in the big open area and the game camera starts quaking, a LOT. And then... well, I had Closed Caption Mode turned on, which not only gives you the text of what people say, but also indicates what sound effect you're supposed to be hearing. And I got:

( Antlion Emerging )
( Antlion Emerging )
( Antlion Guard Emerging )
( Run While You Can, Monkey Boy )

... okay, not the last one, but it might as well have done because HOLY MOTHER OF AZATHOTH that thing's big. The antlion guard is roughly the size of an Indricotherium and it's ANGRY. And you have no cover at all and the rocket launcher takes forever to reload and HOLY COW has it ever got a headbutty attack. It literally sends you flying. You wind up ten or twenty yards from where you were when it hit you. And it gallops after you- did I mention that? It gallops- and it KEEPS TRYING TO KILL YOU and you keep flying around like a developer toy during the perfection of ragdoll physics and there is not enough morphine in the world for this...

... well, that's what happens if you're playing the PC version and forget to hit pause because of a cat jumping into your lap without warning, anyway. If you're a sane player, the antlion guard emerges, braying in insectile anger, and you fire up the sprint button again. There are rocks at the far end of the valley that you can hide behind. You don't really have enough ammo to kill it, but at least it won't be playing hackysack with your shiny orange prehensile parts. Fortunately you don't have to have enough ammo to kill it. There's a turret off to the left that you didn't see because you were too busy running like a scared newborn pony for the nearest Gap of Rohan. The turret opens fire on the big bug and takes it out along with the little ones. When you haul yourself out and stop hyperventilating, there's a Vortigaunt poking at the corpse. The Vort announces that you're about to go corpsediving for something called pheropods, but the process is 'not entirely hygienic', so stand back.

Oh, like Gordon hasn't been completely covered in infinitely worse than bug guts by now.

Shortly thereafter the Vort zaps the corpse with lightning and there are squelchy noises. You then get to pick through the corpse and find 'aromatic pheropods', which are basically squishy bug glands with shiny bits on them. The Vort leads you off to learn how to use them so you can command the insect armies in an attack on Nova Prospekt.

No, really. You're invading the Scary Scary Gulag of Horrible Oppression, the Place Unit 731 Would Call More Than A Little Disturbing, with a pack of giant space bugs. And the thing is... it's gonna work. Because, see, the antlions are freaking EVERYWHERE, and as long as you've got pheropods and there isn't another antlion guard around, they will obey you. You've been granted an infinite supply of screaming vicious cannon fodder.

More specifically, an infinite supply of screaming vicious female cannon fodder, at least in my games. See, the strategy guide I got called the big honker an Antlion Bull, not a Guard. So I assumed it was male. Gordon is carrying pheromonal sacs to attract other antlions and command their obedience. Every insect species I know of that has warrior or worker castes composes those castes of females. Gordon is basically carrying bug testicles around to command the obedience of a pack of the most vicious girls on the planet. Gordon done got bitchez.

And it is hilarious. It's entirely possible to get through the majority of this next section without using your own guns more than once or twice, because you apparently have an infinite supply of bug balls to command the ladies with. Pitch 'em at the Combine! Watch the girls descend from all directions to chew the bastards' heads off! Squeeze 'em once or twice to make the girls come along faster! Don't worry too much if the girls get shot- there'll be more along in a couple of minutes. Use them liberally! Send them ahead of you! Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Transhuman Species Traitor, did you not approve of my attitude towards your filthy regime of oppression and genocide? Well, TAKE IT UP WITH MY INSECTILE LEGIONS!!

I'd be very, very surprised if my Gordon didn't silently resolve never to ever tell anyone about this part of his journey, if only because I really don't think that 'and then I started cackling like a Disney villain and shouting "Fly, my pretties! Fly!"' would go over well with anybody in the Resistance.

Even with the legions it takes a while to make it to Nova Prospekt. There are thumpers to deactivate, and emplaced guns, and a few other things. There are areas where the girls have to stay behind for logistical reasons, including the fact that they drown in water and you have to go through water to get into Nova Prospekt proper. But they do wind up rejoining you when they can, because in the grim future of Gordon Freeman, there is no such thing as the Orkin Man. There's antlions everywhere. Use them wisely and well, especially since once you're inside the gulag walls you're going to have some other issues. And by 'other issues' I mean 'a pitched battle with about a gazillionty Combine, some Tocklafane, and Bert and Ernie the Gunships from Hell'. I don't believe I've ever seen that level of screaming chaos in a video game before, and to this day I'm still surprised my Gordon survived it. I think he was down to single digits in terms of health. He got hold of a Gelfling juice dispenser after the battle, but it was still pretty ugly. I wouldn't have been surprised if in-game, he'd wound up leaning on or trying to flop on the back of a few of the girls, given how many times he'd been shot.

Inside the prison buildings, you have to leave the girls behind for a while. Which is sort of a pity, because they're really efficient at clearing out the building, but... well, there's a reason for it. I call him Antoine. Antoine is the ant lion guard- bull- whatever that's taken up residence in the lower levels...

You now have to run for your shiny orange life from a giant marauding monster that's chasing you through the laundry room, toilet area, and communal prison shower area. Yes. You are officially trying to save your ass in the prison showers. If you're me, this doesn't go well. This involves a LOT of "GROOOONGH!" *WOOMCH* "Major fractures detected." "No shit, Cortana!" "Morphine administered." "THANK you!" "GROOONGH!!" "AIEEEE!" *WOOMCH* etc. etc. I originally tried to follow a strategy guide that suggested I kill Antoine by throwing scenery at him, but that only prolonged the agony. Another walkthrough noted that, despite the impression the last one had given, Antoine was not immune to conventional firearms like the old Gargantuas were, so I wound up emptying vast quantities of ammo into him. He died with his head about two and a half inches from Gordon's terrified visage.

At that point I was shaking too much with adrenaline to play any longer, so I saved the game and went home. There'll be more wacky prison antics in the next post.