9/11 related post.

[camwyn]

Well, I acknowledged it today.

My boss noted in passing, after a meeting, that I seem to get bronchitis a lot. Normally, I would have answered him with 'oh, I've sounded like that since I was a little kid- my mom used to think I had whooping cough even though I'd been immunized'. Because it's been like that a lot, really. Anything that results in coughing tends to wind up sounding horrible on me whether it really is or not, or at least I've always said so... but today, well. Today I admitted to one of the few things I've done in my career that scares me.

"I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and 9/12. The doctor's aware. He takes a chest X-ray every year to make sure nothing horrible's happening, and so far he hasn't found anything, but I've probably been left more susceptible to that kind of thing."

I never wanted to admit that I might've been adversely affected, health-wise, because that's the kind of effect that stays with you your whole life. I was afraid that I'd find out that I had some kind of diminished lung capacity that would never be coming back no matter what I did, and like every person who's ever developed a dislike of doctors late in life, I didn't admit that 9/11 could have hurt me long-term because admitting the possibility gave it power and made it real. I have no regrets for having done the job, and I'm proud of having served my city and my Red Cross at Ground Zero. I would have kept doing it if the chapter CEO hadn't decided I was more needed on the chapter's computers- and if the situation arises again, I'd willingly do it again. But the prospect of it having left me with some kind of long-term damage... I just didn't want to acknowledge that.

I don't know why I admitted it today. I guess I'm just tired of saying 'it's not as bad as it sounds'. If it happened, it happened, and I have to admit that it might have harmed me if I'm going to take care of it properly.

... and, yes, I've been in the WTC Health Registry since the day it opened. I'll be telling them about this illness on my next questionnaire. Admitting to yourself and the people around you that you might have been harmed isn't the same thing as being a data point to uncover possible patterns, in my mind. No one ever said I was completely logical.

Comments

[viridian.livejournal.com]

I wonder sometimes how much people who were even just in Manhattan then got issues from it. I didn't have allergies til the spring/summer of 2002, either.

[camwyn]

Given that the WTC health registry allowed for people who weren't responders, I have a feeling we'll find out eventually.

[snowcoma.livejournal.com]

*sends hugs and Sean Pertwee in a box*
...
*punches airholes in the box*

I don't have any words of wisdom, but one upside is that your lungs are probably a lot less damaged than even a casual smokers would be. I hope everything turns out okay for you, hon.

[camwyn]

There was another person driving the truck the days I went in. We had masks- not rated for breathing in an asbestos zone, but paper masks- and he told me not to wear mine because it would panic people to see us wearing them.

At least his lungs got chewed up at least as much as mine. I swear, some days I wish I had punched him. On the other hand I got a decent mask from some masked medical figure in scrubs and a white lab coat around ten or eleven PM on 9/11- a NIOSH particulate respirator with a little wheezy carbon filter and fan- and I wore that and still have it at home... mleh. Lovely stuff, innit?

[jeditigger.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I think you're amazing, and I hope things work out for you.

[agoodshinkickin.livejournal.com]

I dunno...that sounds like a completely logical response to me.

(Says the woman who only went for help for anxiety if the place was also a research facility.)

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

You, know, it could be anything.

Natural predisposition, a bad flu season, allergies, your exposure, which evenn if it wasn't as bad as that of the people who were there for weeks and weeks, was still Not Good.

But better to face up to all the possibilities.

And as far as what you did, and how you felt about it then, and how you feel about it now--to quote a neighbor's brother, who's a firefighter, after he got hurt on the job, "Well, yeah, I knew it could mean trouble, but it needed doing, you know?"

But all you can do is pay attention to your body, and deal with the fact that your lungs are Not the Greatest.

Keep hydrated (lungs use a lot of water) and make sure you have things like your scary Canadian cough medicine, and Mucinex, and such on hand, and take them early in the illness, rather than later, so that things don't get out of hand. (That's always a hard thing for me--saying "I'm getting sick, I need to take X NOW, and not wait until it's really bad"--but doing it has kept things from getting to the level of a couple of rounds of antibiotics, or pneumonia)

Like a lot of that other Being a Grownup About Things stuff, it's no fun, and maybe even embarrassing. Because I should have it under control, and somehow not have things like that happen.

[camwyn]

Yeah, I mean... it's not as if I didn't have wheezy illnesses before, or coughs that went on for weeks on end even after the actual sickness ended. It's just that I had to admit for the first time that there was a real possibility that maybe this horrible-sounding lung illness might have come out of my 9/11 response as much as my natural predispositions.

And, yeah. What your neighbor's brother said pretty much sums it all up, when it comes right down to it.

[zou.livejournal.com]

You have an illness from helping people. That doesn't seem fair, but you did something remarkable and good and made a difference. This does sound really scary, and I hope people figure out what's going on with it and ways to make it better.

[angry-geologist.livejournal.com]

I can't really say anything here- what's the nice way to put, "that really sucks, it's not your fault, and I hope you feel better?"

And if you need anything- you know where to find us.

[batyatoon]

You're one of the bravest people I know.

I just wanted to say that.

[camwyn]

Mnh, it's like the Kuakgan said in Oath of Gold: courage isn't the liking for danger, courage is the going on. Sometimes you just have to put your head down and keep going.

[batyatoon]

Exactly.

[eevieivy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* *hugs* and *hugs*

[eric-williamson.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I really, really empathize.

It's not the same thing, but I irreparably injured my lungs a some years ago. Evidently the product I used had been recalled >18 months prior to my purchase. After returning from the hospital and healing for 6 months the pulmonologist declared me completely healed - then the past couple of years I noticed I was getting sick a lot - a lot of respiratory stuff. Finally, my primary care doctor told me I was pretty much going to be like that long term and I know just how shaken I was.

[camwyn]

Oh, that's just lovely. I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like it's up there with getting a letter saying 'um... listen, as a Vioxx user, there's something you should know...'

Wedding stuff

[argonautilus.livejournal.com]

Hey Cam?

If you want an invitation to my wedding in June, I need to get your address. Feel free to shoot it to my email.

Brian