WARNING WARNING WARNING- DO NOT CLICK ON THE LJ CUT IF YOU VALUE YOUR SAN ROLL

[camwyn]

Tried to watch Beowulf and Grendel yesterday with daniidebrabant. I'd known for some time that the movie attempted to give Grendel a motivation in the form of JOO KEELED MY FATHAIR PRAYPAIR TO DIE. That's why I didn't go near it when it was in theatres. We rented it this time because it had Gerard Butler in, thinking the two would cancel each other out.

They did not.

Ickle!Grendel looked rather like an Oompa Loompa that someone had washed with too much bleach and left out in the sun. Fortunately he got better in a hurry, but not before there was a touching Jango-and-Boba moment in which ickle!Grendel hacked off Daddy's head with a sword that I think he pulled out of Daddy after Daddy fell off a cliff with a bunch of Stellan Skaarsgard's buddies' arrows in him. When Grendel grew up he looked rather like Ron Perlman in platform shoes and strategically arranged leather and mail. I could maybe have dealt with this, except that after the Danes built their beer-hall and Grendel slaughtered warriors inside, they gave him an apologist.

A witch. A redheaded witch. A redheaded AmericanCanadian-accented witch who was disgusted with the Danes and later with Beowulf for being killers and who said that they'd all get no more than they deserved.

A redheaded witch who wound up at the center of what was either the least enthusiastic love scene or the least convincing rape scene I have ever seen on screen.

And who had an amazing resemblance to- wait for it- Grendel's kid...

Yes. Yes, they gave Grendel a daddy and killed him so he'd have reason to attack the Danes, and then they gave Grendel a son by an attractive redheaded AmericanCanadian-sounding witch. It was like watching a Mary Sue badfic in action, except that they didn't give the attractive redheaded American-sounding witch enough screen time to make her a true story-hijacking Mary Sue.

But, but, but... Grendel the troll (they mostly called him 'the troll' until the witch gave his name) had a KID! and a MOTIVATION! And at one point he sang the Doom Song because he kept repeating Beowulf's more loudly spoken words back to him, so it was "DOOM DOOM DOOOM DOOM DOOM!" And then he sounded like Trogdor the Burninator! And it... it...

AAUUUUUUGH!

Comments

[isustrikanda.livejournal.com]

Ow.Ow. Ow. Ow. OW.

Did I mention OW? I didn't even watch it and I want to scrub my brain with acid... :)

[camwyn]

BEOWULF DOES NOT GET TO MAKE THE SYMPATHETIC FACE AT GRENDEL. EVER. FOR ANY REASON.

I'm gonna go Pournelle hunting and read The Legacy of Heorot instead. I'd rather have HIS grendels, and those were high-speed space lizard things.

[canadabear.livejournal.com]

Actually, she's a Canadian-sounding witch. Sarah and Gerard were the only reasons I saw it, too and yeah. I am in much agreement here. Quite possibly the worst movie ever and I sat through Dreamcatchers.

[xianghua.livejournal.com]

Those were COOL!

[camwyn]

Oh, dear. I couldn't stand to watch her for long enough to figure that out. *twitch*

[camwyn]

Yes! And Grendel the Large Cognitively Deficient Man Who Hits Himself In The Head With Rocks (troll, my arse) was not!

[nepheliad.livejournal.com]

I need to remember that clicking cuts of yours almost always ends with me having a headache from sheer horror.

I hope you both still have brains.

[maps-or-guitars.livejournal.com]

I didn't know about this movie. I was so happy before.

[camwyn]

Honey, I don't use this icon lightly. When it appears, it should be considered a warning.

[camwyn]

What made it worse was Stellan "King of the Danes" Skarsgaard told Beowulf several times early on in the movie that they didn't know why the thing did what it did "because it's a fucking troll!" Exact words.

So when that scene came up I looked over at daniidebrabant and said, "My God. He's literally-"

"SHUT UP."

[nepheliad.livejournal.com]

I'll be sure to keep that in mind. (Forever.)

[camwyn]

This one represents a slightly lower level of warning, but for the really awful stuff, keyword 'memetic' is where it's at.

[nepheliad.livejournal.com]

The fact that that's its keyword is somehow also just amusing. Or fitting. Or both.

[silveraspen]

...
... ...
... ... ...
.

*weakly* Got any more of the clorox mentioned in the icon?

[genarti]

...........I see.

Uh.

No, actually, I don't. *just stares*

[camwyn]

*sighs and edits the subject line*

[camwyn]

I don't know that there's enough Clorox in the world.

[batyatoon]

... I'm picturing a Gumby here. Just so you know.

[blackswanevent.livejournal.com]

I feel like-

See, back when I was in my phantom phase I had piiiictures of this movie wayyyy back when it was being fiiillmed and um-um-

No. There's no like-


TROGDAR WOULD EAT THEM ALL!

*flails* I liked Beowulf. :(

[lasa.livejournal.com]

I loved Beowulf when we had to read it in high school. The images the words painted are amazing - I must have read it at least 10 times, and memorized snatches of it.

I am so outstandingly grateful to you for writing this post because the only thing worse than reading about this movie would have been actually seeing this movie. And it was on my netflix que. Thank you.

[camwyn]

Scale the Gumby up to about seven feet tall, give him random pieces of chain mail, and cut off most of the rest of his clothing and you're really not all that far off from what Grendel looked like.

[camwyn]

The sea witch wasn't too bad when we saw her, but that's about as close to a kind word as I can give the movie. There are skalds out there who would rise from their graves and wreak havoc on the filmmakers if they knew.

[genarti]

Well, it's not that I don't understand the words.

Or even the concept.

It's just.

What?

Do we have any idea what on earth they were thinking?

[camwyn]

"Let's take a perfectly good ancient saga and give it modern sensibilities like a Motivation! Oh, and there should be some sympathy for the bad guy!"

Dude, this is a story where someone gets BEATEN TO DEATH WITH A SEVERED ARM. Hello?

[camwyn]

So did I.

But he sounds like Creedy in this. Only more Scottish.

[genarti]

Political correctness: it's not just for the Common Era!

[camwyn]

Personally I thought Grendel had plenty of motivation already. He hated the sound of feasting and drinking in the hall, and the bright fires of the Danes- isn't that enough? "YOU DAMN KIDS! TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!"

[genarti]

The original grumpy old man! I like it.

Heck with cane-shaking, here.

[james-the-evil1.livejournal.com]

My head, my HEAD!
NOOOOOOOOOOO

[surexit.livejournal.com]

I feel unclean now, cheers. :(

[lienne.livejournal.com]

Are you secretly my high school English teacher?

Only he said the exact same thing, see.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

This applies to much of the post, but it was meant to be in reply to the "YOU DAMN KIDS!" comment. *prods LJ*

[almightyhat.livejournal.com]

... Okay, so it's been a long time since I've read even an adaptation of Beowulf (my favorite was in a Chicks in Chainmail anthology, but I can't recall which one), but...

... now I have concluded that Grendel's motivations equal the Grinch's motivations.

For tomorrow, he knew all the Who girls and boys
Would wake, bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least.

[camwyn]

"And what happened then? Well, in Geatland they say
That the Grendel's small arm grew three sizes that day!

AND THEN BEOWULF BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT!"

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I can't for the life of me seem to find anuhealani's deeply, deeply amusing sporking review of this movie, and I doubt she'd be happy about my reproducing it here. She had about the same opinion of it you did.

[camwyn]

I didn't even mention the part where Woobie!Grendel played bowling games with skulls and then did a Skipping Ass Dance of Victory when he managed to knock a skull over.

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

...And of course, as soon as I've said that, I find the silly thing. Have fun. (http://anuhealani.livejournal.com/77165.html?nc=53)

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

...Oh god. Oh three-headed tentacly god of Skipping Ass Dances of Victory.

[camwyn]

I survived a few points by telling myself it was just Creedy from Reign of Fire, trying to escape his horrible death in his native movie.

GERRY BUTLER: *swims out of the sea*
RANDOM DANE: *stares*
BUTLER: Before I say anything, are there any dragons here?
DANE: ....
BUTLER: That sounds like a no. Okay then! *resumes scene*

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

Hee. That sounds like a good way of going about it.

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

So glad I haven't seen it. It sounds worse than TROY.

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

Oh, now I remember the other thing we said when we were watching the movie.

*Four Anglo-Saxonists stare at Grendel's kid.*

Someone: And then he grew up to be a dragon.

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen the movie, but I suspect making all the Geats British was a better idea on paper than in practice.

[jerusha.livejournal.com]

(weakly)Oh, my. Oh, dear.

Here, have some more brain bleach.