camwyn | I Say We Fly Naked

Okay, so, this morning I'm told the British police foiled a multi-plane terrorist plot to commit widescale mayhem and murder. It involved liquid explosives, which is an interesting trick we haven't really seen before to any great degree. Good for the British police. We owe them an immense debt if all of this is true.

The American authorities have banned bringing liquids on board airplanes as a result of this, I'm told. No coffee, no soda, no hair goop, nothin'. This'll probably be relaxed eventually, if only because businessmen who've got to fly bloody early in the morning are going to wind up throwing their $6.95 coffees in people's faces when they're told Mr. Starbuck isn't allowed on the Pequod after all, but for now? Nothin'. The liquids stay here.

Now, see, I'm looking at this, and I'm looking at the No Pointy Objects variations on the FAA allow list. I'm also looking in Richard Reid's direction and thinking about shoes. I can also think of about half a dozen other places that people who don't give a damn about human life would hide their explosives. (Before you say that putting this in the public eye is giving terrorists ideas, allow me to point out that any half-baked newbie to the international drug trafficking business could probably point out the same methods of concealment without even trying.) And, y'know, I'm thinking. . .

I think we should fly naked.

Screw this whole metal detector, empty your pockets, let us look in your purse thing. We fly naked. All of us. You want on the plane for legitimate reasons? PROVE IT. Put your clothes in your baggage and carry your reading material in your hand. At least you won't be alone. Every single person on that plane other than the crew will be in the same boat as you. Yeah, the airlines will have to put covers over their seats and replace them every flight, and invest in a bunch more blankets, but on the other hand, I suspect complaints about the airline food will drop off in a hurry. Being surrounded by uncomfortable pantsless strangers will kill most people's appetites. Not to mention that people with a fear of flying probably won't even remember their fear. They'll have a WHOLE NEW phobia to deal with. At least there's a good chance they won't have to deal with the Chatty Stranger Who Won't Let Them Sleep, since I suspect most such would-be chatsters will be staring straight ahead a lot more than usual.

Damn it, if the terrorists insist on using the Blow Up The Airplane YAY plot over and over and over again, they should have to pay for it. You want your explosives on that plane, mister? WORK FOR IT. Go talk to your drug-smuggling friends and the mules who work for them. Just how much explosive yield can you fit in your digestive tract before you can't get through the airport door? Have fun getting it there.

I'm so bloody tired of this. I say we cut straight to making the airport security process more intrusive for the terrorists than it is for us. Embarrassment's one thing, but having to stash your explosives in places that require your buddy to wear a rubber glove's quite another. It'll be simpler on our end, too: X-ray the checked luggage and pull anyone walking funny or looking dyspeptic out of the boarding line. Simple as that.