(no subject)

[camwyn]

Every morning at work I go through the reports from our spam filters and add new subject lines to the lists of 'things that count as spam'. Generally I keep this to phrases, so as not to inadvertently catch innocent emails without meaning to, but every so often there are words I just want to add all by themselves because the damn spammers have used them so many times that I never want to see them again, ever.

Quality.
Tablets.
Survey.
Giftcard.
Pharmacy.
Christian.

On that last front, I have nothing against Christians. However, we keep getting email after email after email claiming that "Christian mortgages" or "Christian loans" or "Christian debt assistance" or "Christian cash" is available for people here- that, or "Christian singles" are looking for mates and would we be interested.

I'm thiiiiis close to declaring 'Christian' in an email subject line to be a spam banword. I don't care if it's in the text of the email, that's fine, but in the subject line it's two angstroms away from getting nuked. 'Quality' and 'Tablets' are next on the list. (Pharmaceutical spam.)

The Emperor is so going to break these people's fingers. All of them. Individually. One bone at a time. And then move on to the rest of the bones in their hands.

Comments

[mephron]

O Emperor, might it just be best to send their frail mortal forms careening into a lava-filled abyss? Or does that seem too cruel compared to a one-by-one breaking of the bones in their hands?

[camwyn]

The problem with lava filled abysses is that you've got to have one at hand. Got somewhere in the continental US, Canada, or Alaska where I could open one up without causing too much seismic trouble? I have no particular intention of conquering Hawaii unless they ask nicely.

[flemmings.livejournal.com]

Hawaii will beg to join the Empire. They're cool like that.

[mephron]

Good point. I'm not sure I want to dig one.

Hrm. Aren't there some active volcanos in Alaska? Don't remember.

[drharper.livejournal.com]

But those volcanos don't have convenient open lava pits like the Hawaii ones. These are more of the pyroclastic flow type volcanos. ;)

[mephron]

Even better.

It lets you give them that 'no-limbs Anakin sliding down the rock' moment.

....ok, I think I just went past 'gratuitous' there.

[drharper.livejournal.com]

Nope. "No-limbs" happened with a Hawaii-type volcano still. Think Mt. St. Helens with pyroclastic ones. ;)

[ymfaery]

Besides, Pele might not be happy with the people you're "sacrificing" to her.

[lwood.livejournal.com]

California has a couple active volcanos...

-- Lorrie

[jjloa.livejournal.com]

well, at least I am hoping that the people at your workplace are smart enough to realize that (if you're getting them yet) the spam that fakes from being @yourdomain.com is NOT actually from your domain? Sigh. we're getting complaints from staff, students & of course their parents about it and the staff keep telling us we have to fix it NOW. Like ... err ... how? *L*

And yah - the whole 'add the word christian to the title' thing seems to be huge in the spam lately. Don't blame you for wanting the ban the hell out of it! Unfortunately, give them enough time for that to be a banword in enough people's dictionaries ... and they'll probably move onto something else. sigh. spammers.

Over here ... we're just waiting hopefully for a company that includes in their spam protection package a big guy named Luigi who goes to the spammer's house and breaks their kneecaps (or knuckles for typing issues ... or both is fine with us too) ...

[camwyn]

Yeah, we're getting them. Everyone here who's gotten one has asked me if it's possible to block them- I'm doing what I can. They mostly seem to be the Trooso virus. I've also informed everyone here that they will never get a mail from Administration or IT Management, because if something big and ugly comes up, I will come around and inform them of their account troubles in person.

[jjloa.livejournal.com]

yah, we've gotten the virus ones ... we also have a generic spam one using the domain.

Getting asked to block them I get totally *G* it's turning out to be a real pain blocking them though as I'm guess you're finding too from your words. It's the people asking us to 'fix' it so that this stops going out from our domain (because we're so obviously in control of them and sending them out) that is driving us nuts (especially since they should probably be talking to the main ITS people and not oh, the web people ... not that they could likely do it either, but *L*)!

[camwyn]

Well, I've been doing the spam filtration thing for quite some time now. Our list of banned subject lines is over 160 pages long. The domain spoofs are a relatively recent thing, except for the asinine phishing attempts.

[jjloa.livejournal.com]

heh. I would try to be shocked at how long your banned subject lines file is ... but I really can't be. sigh. It's just such a pain and a waste of time that could be spent better for all people.
Hopefully the 'Christian' ones will shut up for you soon ...

[camwyn]

They've been there since the beginning. We're mostly getting 'Christian mortgage' crap these days. Used to be 'Christian singles' was the worst of it.

Am almost certain that Christian mortgages would be at zero percent interest because of old-school religious prohibitions against usury, but somehow I do not think this is what these people are selling.

[mephron]

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2005/08/04/christian_businesses/

If you don't have a salon.com subscription, you have to sit through an ad, but I think this may enlighten you as to some of these situations.

I recommend a bottle of water to sip on in order to calm the raging froth this may inspire. (It sure pissed ME off.)

[erisiansaint]

That made me ill.

I like George Carlin's last Commandment. "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."

[camwyn]

I dimly recall there being a line in one or more of the Gospels about how not all those who cry 'Lord, Lord' will be saved, and how you're supposed to go into the upper room and draw the curtains when you pray, so that nobody knows that's what you're doing, because if you get social acclaim for your acts of public faith then you're getting your reward here on Earth so there's no reason to reward you in Heaven, is there.

But, y'know, just because He said it...

*sigh*

[mephron]

The ones at my workplace are not smart enough to work that out.

....this is especially sad when I get someone from the mail server group asking me if an address exists.

[jjloa.livejournal.com]

ouch. yah, I can see that.

Our current favourite bit of scariness is the fact that the security mailing list some of my co-workers are on ... is the worst spammed account any of us have access to. But not quite as scary as your story there. At least the people we have asking us tend to be non-techie staff.

[mephron]

Well, in their defence, there's a specialized firewall for mail routing, and I'm the one that handles that one, and they have refused all attempts to let me give them access to the lookup tool. That last bit gives me, I feel, the right to abuse them mercilessly - I offer them access, they refuse, they lose the right to be offended at my mocking.

[almeda.livejournal.com]

I had a hard time explaining to one of my co-workers (at my telemarketing job) why, if "Spam is illegal," Hotmail has a 'Spam' folder. Since clearly this is Microsoft enabling people to spam him.

I had a hard time even finding somewhere to mentally stand while talking to him; all attempted explanations about why you can't just stop spam kept bringing, "But it's illegal!" from him. Finally I had to liken it to vandalism.

"Just because spraypainting other people's walls is illegal doesn't mean you can keep kids from sneaking around to do it in the middle of the night. You just have to clean it up as quickly as you can afterwards."

[maps-or-guitars.livejournal.com]

I forsee:
christain

chr|stian

and however many variables one can come up with.

[camwyn]

From our list of 'phrases that have appeared in subject lines of incoming email and been marked down as verboten'...

chrisitan
christian mortgage
christian advisor in the mortgage
christian and single
christian care
christian cash
christian children's
christian collection
christian debt experts
christian debtrust
christian family loans
christian homeowners
christian lending
christian mortgageusa.com
christian mother's day weekend
christian programming
christian relationship
christian singles
christian solution to best home value
christian solution to indebtedness
christiay way to eliminate your debt
christian? over 30?
christian? single?
christianfamilyloans
christianfamilyloans.com
christianmortages
christianmortageusa.com
christians for free

[maps-or-guitars.livejournal.com]

Ph34r c4mwyn5 1337 1i57!

[camwyn]

mmm... Human Blender...

[drharper.livejournal.com]

*smacks idiot spammers*

Christian is supposed to be a noun, you profiteering morons! It was never meant to be an adjective!

*sigh*

I blame the 'safety above all' mentality of the American Church coupled with laziness. Oh, don't make us think for ourselves. It's scary trying to be discerning out there in the big, bad world. You just check it out for us and stamp it with the lable "Christian" so we know it's safe.

[camwyn]

Myself, I have some trouble seeing how you can reconcile moneylending and mortgages and what have you with the same fellow who went bugnuts because they were bringing trade, finance, moneychanging, and the like into the Temple precincts. He wasn't all that big on commerce, as I recall. Something about how there were more important things than money and showing off.