A lot of oying.
May. 17th, 2002 10:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camwynSorry I've been quiet lately, guys... I don't know why I haven't been inclined to post the last few days. Work's been busy, I know that much. I haven't had school, and I haven't been doing that much at home to distract me, I've just been lazy, I guess...
*sigh* I'm not happy with myself right now. My temper's almost as bad as it was when I was at GreatBigDrugCo, working the help desk as one of six help desk analysts for 2,000 on-site users. I keep wanting to snap at everyone who comes up to my office door, mostly because I don't hear them coming and feel they're sneaking up on me - even when I'm doing something legitimately work-related instead of webfoo. I shouldn't be this cranky, I shouldn't be this tetchy, they don't deserve it, it isn't right... I think I need to talk to my boss. I am good with the computers, I even like them at times, but this is not the Red Cross mission. I'm supposed to be helping people...
The Voice of Reason is now blandly saying that people really, really need help with their computers. That I'm supposed to do what I'm good at, and deal with it. That there's thousands of people throughout the United States who're mass care techs (handing out food and cleanup kits), or family service (talking with disaster victims and getting them in touch with the right ppl. and/or giving them money), or damage assessment, or any of the other service areas, but that chapters are woefully low on good IT people, and that even DCO (disaster computer operations) has to take second place to keeping chapters running so they'll be there when they're needed. That I'm only sabotaging myself by whining and complaining that people can't seem to remember how to do this or that simple thing, that the Chapter is hitting bad financial times because so few people are donating these days thanks to recession and whatnot, that I have it pretty damn good and had better shut up...
But it doesn't help, you know? It really doesn't. On an emotional level I don't feel needed at my job. I know I am, but being needed because someone can't open a PDF file and doesn't know how to download Reader from Adobe's web site isn't the same as being needed because there's a terrible fire, or being needed to teach CPR and first aid and other lifesaving skills, or even being needed because a disaster operation has to get their data together and in order for the sake of the victims and the future. I know what I do is important, but I don't feel it, and that makes it firking hard for me to get enthusiastic about it. Damn it, I could be doing this at GreatBigDrugCo and the only difference would be that I'd have a facial tic and no fingernails left.
Meanwhile, my sister is graduating from college this weekend. I have to get her a present, and I need to get a decent suit or something to wear to the ceremony. She's engaged to be married next July, and I don't quite know how to handle that. Not from an emotional point of view - from that POV I'm very happy for her - but from a purely practical one... She has her friends and Mom and Dad to help her get things in order, and she has Mom to talk to about all kinds of stuff. How am I supposed to participate in this without being in the way? How am I supposed to share her excitement and joy, when I'm not entirely sure I'm needed or even wanted in the planning process? I feel superfluous there, too, and I don't know what to do about that. I mean, she asked me to be a bridesmaid and all, and I guess that's something, but... everything else is so far out of my hands. What am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to get in on it without putting a foot wrong or messing things up for her or, worse yet, feeling like I'm detracting from her somehow?
Bah.
*sigh* I'm not happy with myself right now. My temper's almost as bad as it was when I was at GreatBigDrugCo, working the help desk as one of six help desk analysts for 2,000 on-site users. I keep wanting to snap at everyone who comes up to my office door, mostly because I don't hear them coming and feel they're sneaking up on me - even when I'm doing something legitimately work-related instead of webfoo. I shouldn't be this cranky, I shouldn't be this tetchy, they don't deserve it, it isn't right... I think I need to talk to my boss. I am good with the computers, I even like them at times, but this is not the Red Cross mission. I'm supposed to be helping people...
The Voice of Reason is now blandly saying that people really, really need help with their computers. That I'm supposed to do what I'm good at, and deal with it. That there's thousands of people throughout the United States who're mass care techs (handing out food and cleanup kits), or family service (talking with disaster victims and getting them in touch with the right ppl. and/or giving them money), or damage assessment, or any of the other service areas, but that chapters are woefully low on good IT people, and that even DCO (disaster computer operations) has to take second place to keeping chapters running so they'll be there when they're needed. That I'm only sabotaging myself by whining and complaining that people can't seem to remember how to do this or that simple thing, that the Chapter is hitting bad financial times because so few people are donating these days thanks to recession and whatnot, that I have it pretty damn good and had better shut up...
But it doesn't help, you know? It really doesn't. On an emotional level I don't feel needed at my job. I know I am, but being needed because someone can't open a PDF file and doesn't know how to download Reader from Adobe's web site isn't the same as being needed because there's a terrible fire, or being needed to teach CPR and first aid and other lifesaving skills, or even being needed because a disaster operation has to get their data together and in order for the sake of the victims and the future. I know what I do is important, but I don't feel it, and that makes it firking hard for me to get enthusiastic about it. Damn it, I could be doing this at GreatBigDrugCo and the only difference would be that I'd have a facial tic and no fingernails left.
Meanwhile, my sister is graduating from college this weekend. I have to get her a present, and I need to get a decent suit or something to wear to the ceremony. She's engaged to be married next July, and I don't quite know how to handle that. Not from an emotional point of view - from that POV I'm very happy for her - but from a purely practical one... She has her friends and Mom and Dad to help her get things in order, and she has Mom to talk to about all kinds of stuff. How am I supposed to participate in this without being in the way? How am I supposed to share her excitement and joy, when I'm not entirely sure I'm needed or even wanted in the planning process? I feel superfluous there, too, and I don't know what to do about that. I mean, she asked me to be a bridesmaid and all, and I guess that's something, but... everything else is so far out of my hands. What am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to get in on it without putting a foot wrong or messing things up for her or, worse yet, feeling like I'm detracting from her somehow?
Bah.
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no subject
Date: 2002-05-17 02:04 pm (UTC)We also serve who only sit and shuffle papers.
It can make one feel as if you're not doing what you signed up for, though. Even though the intellectual part of the brain recognizes the importance of the job, it's not quite...fulfilling. It can make you feel like you're not contributing anything.
I didn't solve the problem. I left the department.
Sorry. Not much help.
-M