Okay, so it's not a thousand words.

[camwyn]

Given that it's done scene-for-scene, I think we can give the thousand word limit a pass.

HAMLET
(for really impatient people)


ACT I
SCENE 1

HORATIO: Dude. Good to see you.
BERNARDO THE GUARD: Yeah, whatever. It's cold, it's nearly dawn, and I'm seeing ghosts.
HORATIO: Um. . .
MARCELLUS: Like that one?
HORATIO: Aiee!

ACT I
SCENE 2

HAMLET: Dude, I was totally grooving at Wittenberg. This had better be worth it.
CLAUDIUS: Hi! Your dad's dead. I'm King now!
HAMLET: . . .
GERTRUDE: Hi! I married your uncle!
CLAUDIUS: Who is me!
HAMLET: . . . !
LAERTES: Since you're not going anywhere any time soon, can I buy the other half of your round-trip ticket? I wanna start back to Paris now.
HAMLET: ARRRGH!
HORATIO: H-dog, we gotta talk. Your dad's still hanging around the castle.
HAMLET: But he's-
HORATIO: Dead, yeah, I know. Look, if it's not him then you've got a serious ghost impersonator problem, okay?

ACT I
SCENE 3

LAERTES: Hey, sis. How's the old love life?
OPHELIA: Hamlet. He's so dreeeeeamy.
LAERTES: Um, yeah. You do know he's probably just trying to get into your skirts?
POLONIUS: Son! There you are!
LAERTES: Arrgh. Dad, I gotta pack-
POLONIUS: Let me give you some advice. And then some more advice. And then even more advice.
LAERTES: There is no horse or boat in the WORLD that can possibly get me out of this damn castle fast enough.
POLONIUS: Ophelia? What are you swooning about?
OPHELIA: Hm? Sorry, I was remembering the cutest thing Hamlet said the other day-
POLONIUS: Honey, he's a prince, not a boy band singer. Find someone you can actually date safely, okay?

ACT I
SCENE 4

HAMLET: It's late. And cold.
MARCELLUS: That's what I said.
HORATIO: Shaddap. We got us a ghost to-
EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAH THERE IT IS!
HAMLET: Dad?
GHOST: *wanders off*
HAMLET: *follows*

ACT I
SCENE 5

HAMLET: Dad? Seriously?
GHOST: Yep.
HAMLET: Whoa.
GHOST: Word.
HAMLET: So why-
GHOST: Because it's hard to strangle my murdering brother with insubstantial ghostly fingers. Go commit some bloody vengeance, okay?
HAMLET: God, Uncle C., you *suck*. *So*. *Bad*.
GHOST: Attaboy.

ACT II
SCENE 1

POLONIUS: Reynaldo, here's the money and a ticket to Paris. Stay on my boy's trail, okay?
REYNALDO: Sure, whatever.
OPHELIA: DAAAAAAD! HAMLET'S GONE BUGNUTS! I THINK HE'S IN WITHDRAWAL!

ACT II
SCENE 2

CLAUDIUS: My stepson's gone bonkers. You two are his best friends, right?
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN: Oh yeah. We go way back.
CLAUDIUS: Great. Keep an eye on him for me?
POLONIUS: Sire! We've got ambassadors! Also I know why Hamlet's lost it!
GERTRUDE: Could it possibly be that his father died and someone else took his place on the throne of Denmark Or the bit about me marrying the guy who stole the throne out from under his nose?
POLONIUS: . . . er, no, that's not it. . .
AMBASSADOR: Bet I can deliver all my news in one breath.
CLAUDIUS: Go for it.
AMBASSADOR: Okay, Fortinbras put the smackdown on Poland and got yelled at by the king of Norway and had to promise not to make scary noises at Denmark and got an increased allowance for it and he's gonna go smack Poland around some more and here, it's all in this letter. *wheeze*
POLONIUS: Yeah, international affairs of state, whatever. Hamlet's not getting any, that's the problem.
HAMLET: Hi, I'm nuts.
POLONIUS: I'll try to have a conversation with you anyway.
HAMLET: Even nuts I can still talk circles around you. Neener!
R&G: Hamlet! Dude!
GUILDENSTERN: O, there has been much throwing about of brains.
HAMLET AND ROSENCRANTZ: . . .
GUILDENSTERN: No, really, it's in the script.
ACTORS: Hi!
HAMLET: Eeeee! Actors! Dance for me, little man!
ACTORS: Okay!
HAMLET: You guys go with Polonius. I have a cunning plan.

ACT III
SCENE 1

CLAUDIUS: So, about Hamlet-
R&G: Not cooperating.
CLAUDIUS: Crap!
HAMLET: Death! Murder! Suicide! Action!
OPHELIA: Hiiiiiii Hamlet!
HAMLET: God, you're pathetic.
OPHELIA: You're MEAN! *bursts into tears*
CLAUDIUS: Okay, that was freaky. Get him out of my country.

ACT III
SCENE 2

HAMLET: Here, can you do the play like this?
ACTORS: God, this reads like an episode of Scooby-Doo.
HAMLET: Here comes the audience!
ACTORS: A king! And a queen! And a murder! And a- hey, where's Claudius going?
HAMLET: It worked it worked it worked!
R&G: You know, you really suck sometimes.
HAMLET: Oh, like you two aren't the biggest couple of tools to walk the face of the Earth.
POLONIUS: Hamlet-
HAMLET: Don't get me started on you, old man.
POLONIUS: Well! I never!
HAMLET: I think I'll go yell at Mom.

ACT III
SCENE 3

CLAUDIUS: That play was nasty. I want him out of here yesterday.
R&G: Okay.
CLAUDIUS: Unaccustomed sensation of guilt. I gotta pray now.
HAMLET: Eee! A sitting target!
CLAUDIUS: *prays*
HAMLET: But he'll go to heaven if I kill him now! So I won't kill him yet. *leaves*
CLAUDIUS: Damn, I still feel guilty.
EVERY VIKING ANCESTOR OF HAMLET'S, EVER: D'oh!!

ACT III
SCENE 4

POLONIUS: Hi Gert!
GERTRUDE: Quick, hide!
HAMLET: Mom? Have I told you how much you suck?
GERTRUDE: Hamlet, you're scaring me.
POLONIUS: And me!
HAMLET: Ack! *dispenses stabbity death*
POLONIUS: Thud.
HAMLET: Oh crap.
GERTRUDE: . . .
HAMLET: As long as I've got your attention, can I tell you how cool Dad was?
GERTRUDE: . . .
HAMLET: And how much it sucks that you MARRIED THE GUY WHO STOLE MY THRONE?
GHOST: *ahem*
HAMLET: Oh, right, mission creep, sorry.
GERTRUDE: . . . who are you talking to?
HAMLET: Never mind. I gotta go to England. *walks off with corpse*

ACT IV
SCENE 1

CLAUDIUS: Polonius?
GERTRUDE: Dead.

ACT IV
SCENE 2

R&G: Where's the corpse?
HAMLET: Ain't tellin'.

ACT IV
SCENE 3

CLAUDIUS: DAMMIT BOY WHERE IS THAT CORPSE?
HAMLET: Under the lobby stairs. Geez, you're no fun.
CLAUDIUS: Whatever. You're still going to England. Rosencrantz? Take these letters with you and don't be too surprised if Hamlet comes home dead, okay?

ACT IV
SCENE 4

FORTINBRAS: Can I go through Denmark on the way to SQUASH POLAND FLAT?
HAMLET: Okay, now that's what I call a prince.

ACT IV
SCENE 5

LAERTES: I heard this- ha, ha, you're gonna love this- this rumor that my dad is dead. And that my sister is nuts.
CLAUDIUS: Funny you should mention that. . .
OPHELIA: *wanders around singing*
LAERTES: ARRRGH!

ACT IV
SCENE 6

HAMLET: Dear Horatio, we were attacked by pirates and I decided I didn't wanna go to England after all. R&G can go on without me. I'm coming home.

ACT IV
SCENE 7

CLAUDIUS: Laertes, I like you, so I'll give you a crack at revenge.
LAERTES: GRR! LAERTES SMASH!
CLAUDIUS: Right idea, but if you just tone it down a few notches-
LAERTES: *deep breaths* All right.
GERTRUDE: Um. Laertes? Your sister. Um. She drowned.
LAERTES: ARRRGH!
CLAUDIUS: Nice one, Gert, I just got him talked down.

ACT V
SCENE 1

DIGGERS: *wacky graveyard comedy*
HAMLET: *philosophizes*
ENTIRE COURT: *weeps*
HAMLET: Wha. . .?
HORATIO: Oh, crap, Ophelia's funeral.
HAMLET: She's dead?
LAERTES: There you are! YOU KEELED MY FATHAIR PRAYPAIR TO DIE!
EVERYONE ELSE: *pries them apart*

ACT V
SCENE 2

HAMLET: . . .okay, so, I stole the letters from my bestest friends ever and I gave them different letters and they're gonna die and not me HA HA HA HA you aren't laughing Osric.
OSRIC: Sorry. The King sent me to tell you he wants to see some swordfighting.
HAMLET: 'Swords' and 'King' in the same sentence. Ooo.
LAERTES: No hard feelings, right, H.?
HAMLET: Nah. Let's fight.
LAERTES: *pokes Hamlet with sword* Ow! Dropped my sword.
HAMLET: Use mine, I'll use yours.
LAERTES: But-
HAMLET: *pokes Laertes with sword*
LAERTES: Oh crap.
GERTRUDE: *drinks wine*
CLAUDIUS: Um, sweetie, I sorta doped that.
HAMLET: Laertes, you don't look so good.
LAERTES: That would be the poison. On the sword. The one I stabbed you with. *dies*
GERTRUDE: That was really bad wine. *dies*
HAMLET: . . . !!!
CLAUDIUS: . . . oh crap.
HAMLET: *stabs CLAUDIUS* And finish the goddamn wine you throne-stealing bastard!
CLAUDIUS: Ow! *dies*
HORATIO: Okay, that was really nasty.
HAMLET: Don't you go dying, okay? Someone has to do the reporting.
HORATIO: Okay.
HAMLET: *dies*
FORTINBRAS: Wow, this is what I call convenient. MY country. MINE.
HORATIO: You and what army?
FORTINBRAS: The one I brought with me.
HORATIO: Oh.
FORTINBRAS: But I'm feeling magnanimous. Let's give the prince a really cool burial, okay?

FINIS

(For those of you who want a look at the original, I suggest http://www.hamlet.org, as I used their online text of the play to do up my outline for this.)

Comments

[isustrikanda.livejournal.com]

okay, will read in detail later (when i have more time), but THANK YOU! the bits i've gotten to read are marvellous!

[camwyn]

Any time!

[anaid-rabbit.livejournal.com]

I consider myself to be really impatient sometimes, so I never read Hamlet before (first language not being english and all). Thank you! And that was really, really funny (and informative).

[camwyn]

I had to do a term paper on it in high school. I had to choose a soliloquy to memorize and recite for the class, so I chose the conscience of the king speech based on the facts that:

a) it meant I could use the word 'ass' in front of a whole class, at a Catholic all-girls high school no less;
b) it was the title of an original-series Star Trek episode.

I'm not sure what it says about my maturity level that these days, my big fave line is 'O, there has been much throwing about of brains'.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

I think I love you.

[camwyn]

Hee! Thank you.

[feonixrift.livejournal.com]

As someone who has read Hamlet too damn many times, I must say: Well done!

[camwyn]

Thank you! Glad it went over well.

[sibylle]

*giggles*

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

An episode of Scooby-Doo, forsooth! *g*

But it does, dammit.

Another excellent production!

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

This is just so wrong.
I love it.

[unmisha.livejournal.com]

My favorite production of Hamlet will be the one by the Reduced Shakespeare Company. The one they do backwards.

This, though - this ranks right up there. :)

hehe

[jjloa.livejournal.com]

Agreed! on both counts :)

[nesmith.livejournal.com]

*applauds*

Well done. I'll have to read it more in-depth later. Maybe bring it into my 112 class in the spring if I decide to teach Hamlet. ;)

[midnightlurker.livejournal.com]

Cool. Even better (or at least more coherent) than the Skinhead Hamlet. (Which I'd quote, but pretty much every line is obscene.)

[camwyn]

I've read that one. Interesting rendition, to be sure.

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. *huge grin*

You are neater than ice cream, you know that?

[camwyn]

I do my best. Thank you!

[braider.livejournal.com]

The Three Minute Hamlet
Adam McNaughton

There was a king nodding in his garden all alone,
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane,
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow,
But the dead king walked and got his son and said, "Now listen kiddo,
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right I'll do it, but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty."

So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's 'round the bend,
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing,
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile,
Then a troupe of traveling actors local seven eighty four,
Arrive to do a special one-night gig in Elsinore.

Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating,
He wonders if the ghost's a fake,
And that is why he's waiting.

So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact,
So Horatio and he could see if Claudius cracked,
The play was called "The Mousetrap" (not the one that's running now),
And sure enough the king walked out before the scene was through.
So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man,
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.

Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, and the corpus was delecti,
Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie,
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there,
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad's killed in the bedroom in the arras,
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot-foot from Paris.
When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry,
After saying it with flowers, she committed hari-kari.

Hamlet, Hamlet, no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet, learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good or bad,
At last must come to dust.

Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution.
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties,
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes.
And to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line),
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine.
The poisoned sword got Hamlet, but Laertes went and fluffed it,
Because he stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.

Then Hamlet's mommy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane," he said, to be precise,
Then made up for hesitating once, by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
He said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter,
And Fortinbras, knee deep in Danes, lived happily ever after.

Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you think that was confusing,
You should read the bloody play.

There's an mp3 off this page: http://www.wesweb.net/audio/ (http://www.wesweb.net/audio/)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

Thanks - I've always loved this song, and I didn't know there was an mp3!

[zou.livejournal.com]

Bahahahahaha!
You rock.

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

*dies*

*is officially ded from squee*

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Ahh, my lovely, talented and perspicacious Camwyn, you have MADE MY WEEK:

AMBASSADOR: Okay, Fortinbras put the smackdown on Poland and got yelled at by the king of Norway and had to promise not to make scary noises at Denmark and got an increased allowance for it and he's gonna go smack Poland around some more and here, it's all in this letter. *wheeze*
POLONIUS: Yeah, international affairs of state, whatever. Hamlet's not getting any, that's the problem.
HAMLET: Hi, I'm nuts.
POLONIUS: I'll try to have a conversation with you anyway.

And:

FORTINBRAS: Can I go through Denmark on the way to SQUASH POLAND FLAT?
HAMLET: Okay, now that's what I call a prince.

Wow, adds to the amusement of me ending up on fandom_wank yesterday.

Monitor, meet Assam tea. Tea, meet monitor.

[camwyn]

*hands over packet of paper towels* Sorry about that.

[fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com]

Is this joining the rest of your oeuvre at your website?

[camwyn]

Yeah. I'll probably work it up and post it to the site tonight.

[ymfaery]

Heeeeeeeeeeeee~!

Fortinbras! I <3 <3 <3 you just for leaving him in!

I'd *love* to see the Reduced Shakespeare Company do your summary. >D >D >D

[dasubergeek.livejournal.com]

Have I told you lately that I love you? :P

You and lwood were obviously separated at birth.

[batyatoon]

...There is SO. MUCH. LOVE.

[camwyn]

Thankee!

Gosh, I really ought to find my high school freshling year English teacher and thank her for letting me know that I didn't have to do the term paper on Macbeth after all. I probably wouldn't have read Hamlet at all if she hadn't mentioned that no one else in the class had signed up to do their term papers on it. I've since seen... lessee, the BBC version, the Mel Gibson version, the Kenneth Branagh version, and the Reduced Shakespeare Company version. And part of the Olivier version but that made me grind my teeth too much to finish.

I love this play. You can't mangle a thing properly unless you know it first.

[midnightlurker.livejournal.com]

...I just now realized that you've reduced The Soliloquy...

to four words...

...and it works.

That is just genius, coolness, and 1337 rolled into one. :)

[camwyn]

Hey, if I can condense half the Quenta Silmarillion into 'WANT SHINY!'...

But thank you!

[descant.livejournal.com]

I heart you.

[irian.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha. I never read Hamlet in high school because we took up Romeo and Juliet (which is a poorer work, IMO) instead. But you've done a great job with this. ROTFL.

[mokatiki.livejournal.com]

v funny, even with out the * ah crap mummy married my uncle ewww!* theam

[limegreen-sloth.livejournal.com]

I love this way too much. And this is from a girl who did her year 12 oral presentation on Hamlet using sockpuppets...

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

HAMLET: Even nuts I can still talk circles around you. Neener! was my favorite line.

Did you ever see the play 'The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged)' funniest play ever. Three actors basically run through every single play. This reminded me of it. (one of the funniest bits was when the actor who was going to be Othello came out wearing a bunch of toy boats, and when the other actors asked him why, he said 'because I'm the Moor of Venice'. Hee)

I love intellectual humor.

[camwyn]

Oh, yes. I saw them here in NJ a few years ago. I particularly liked the football game done with the historical plays ("BZZZT! Fictional character on the field!"). I almost got to see them in San Diego when I was there for the fire, too, but I didn't get the time... alas.