And now the ENTIRE THING.

[camwyn]

Edited to add: Huh. I just now noticed that I first posted this thing on April Fool's Day 2004.

Yes, folks, after yesterday's Quenta Silmarillion in 350 Words or Less, I went on to do the rest of the damn book. Presenting:

THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS.


AINULINDALE:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.
AINUR: Wow! Existence!
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
AINUR: LA LA LA!
ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
AINUR: Um. . . la?
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?
AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
ILUVATAR: Yeesh.



VALAQUENTA:

MANWE: I'm in charge!
VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And queen of the stars!
NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.
VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things.
IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.
ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens.
YAVANNA: I make things grow.
NIENNA: I'm sad.
ULMO: I live in the ocean.
AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.
NESSA: I dance.
OROME: I hunt!
VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy.
TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last.
MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA-
TULKAS: Grar.
MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.



QUENTA SILMARILLION:

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!
MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*
VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west*
MELKOR: Hu hu hu.
VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!
YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty?
MELKOR: Want shiny.
VALAR: Nope.
MELKOR: Why not?
VALAR: Because you're a jerk.
ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!
MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.
ELVES: AUGH!
UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.
MELKOR: Let's go get shiny.
FEANOR: I've made more shiny!
VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?
FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!
VALAR: Aw, !&*()!@&)!(&.
MELKOR: Got the shinies!
UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!
MELKOR: You can't have 'em.
UNGOLIANT: Grar.
MELKOR: Eeek! *runs*
FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar!
MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death*
BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!
THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
BEREN: Worth a shot.
LUTHIEN: La la la
MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz*
BEREN: Got your shiny!
MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square!
CARCHAROTH: Grar.
BEREN: Ow!
THINGOL: Got the shiny?
BEREN: 's in my hand.
THINGOL: And?
BEREN: Hand's not here.
THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny.
CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!
BEREN: *dies*
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
MANDOS: ... oh all right.
LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
BEREN: *returns to life*
LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! In a necklace!
FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter*
LUTHIEN: *dies again*
BEREN: *dies again*
DIOR: Oo, Mom's shiny!
FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY!
DIOR: *dies*
ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*
FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!.
EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!
VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*
EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!
MORGOTH: Eek!
VALAR: Got your shinies!
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!
VALAR: Oh *!&(!&).
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!
MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*
MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off*
VALAR: Well... um... okay.



AKALLABETH:

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge!
EDAIN: Cool!
VALAR: Don't come looking for us.
EDAIN: Okay.
ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!
NUMENOREANS: Neat! Ooo, Middle-Earth!
GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.
NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on?
GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!
NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3
NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?
ELVES: You're human?
NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?
VALAR: No.
NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away.
ELVES: Fine.
ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you!
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely.
NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay.
ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it?
ELVES: No.
TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry?
GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not.
AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude.
TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!
AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!
SAURON: Okay.
AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal.
SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree.
AR-PHARAZON: Um. . .
ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit!
SAURON: *makes chicken noises*
AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty!
ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats.
AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor!
VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM*
AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek!
ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee!
NUMENOREANS: Arrgh!
NUMENOR: SPLOOSH.
SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body?
ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?
NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.



OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE:

ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though!
DWARVES: Yeah, seriously.
ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff?
ELVES: Okay!
SAURON: They fell for it.
SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD!
NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago?
CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap?
SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL?
ELVES: AUGH!
SAURON: Bwa ha ha!
LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
SAURON: Make me.
ISILDUR: Whack.
SAURON: Ow.
ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it.
ISILDUR: No.
ELROND: This sucks.
ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch!
SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur.
SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea.
RING: No I'm not.
THE WISE: Augh.
THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you!
RING: *melts*
SAURON: AUGH!
MORDOR: BOOM.
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip!
GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring!
CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!


... I'd say I'm going to Hell, but there's no Hell in Arda. I'm gonna be eaten by a Balrog, I figure.

Comments

[hangingfire.livejournal.com]

*applauds* *fangirls*

I particularly liked this; the timing is very funny:

LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
SAURON: Make me.
ISILDUR: Whack.
SAURON: Ow.

I think what this really needs now is for someone to illustrate it.

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

*grin* Personally, as I wrote in my own journal, I've been having mental images of it being acted out Monty Python-style.

[kaikias.livejournal.com]

AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dad. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!

Tar-Palantir was Tar-Miriel's father; Ar-Pharazon got in on the action by marrying her. Maybe she should turn up somewhere?

[camwyn]

Hm. Possibly:

AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dad.
TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!
AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r!

[jjloa.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm sure at least some of the Valar have to have a sense of humour and be on your side for that one.

That's priceless!!

*goes back to work - but giggling, which is a massive improvement to how I was before this break*

[vardagilthoniel.livejournal.com]

I liked it!

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

[jenlittlebottom.livejournal.com]

*cheers* <3

[kortirion.livejournal.com]

Sorry to barge in - but I laughed so loud I frightened my cat! These are priceless!!!

[camwyn]

Hey, no problemo! Glad you like it.

Also, I love your icon.

[batyatoon]

*points* YOU BAD MAN.


My favorite part:
ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?
NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.


This so needs to be flash-animated.

I *very* bad man.

[camwyn]

This so needs to be flash-animated.

I was half-thinking of fooling with the templates from the various puppet-show renditions of LOTR, Pirates of the Caribbean, Titanic, etc., but if someone with animation skills is inspired to do so, I sure wouldn't say no.

*makes mental note to update her web site and include this in the incipient Tolkien fannish section*

[whobunkyboo.livejournal.com]

I particularly enjoyed "Tree burn. Fire pretty." Joss Whedon is either giggling or weeping somewhere (counting lots of shiny coins all the while...but nonetheless...)

[aki.livejournal.com]

My thoughts exactly...

[imperfect_tense]

*hearts you muchly*

[dreamiflame.livejournal.com]

OME! That's awesome! I never would have thought it possible, but man, that's great. I'm going to pimp it, ok?

[camwyn]

Sure! I'd be honoured. Glad you like it!

[genarti]

*dies laughing*

My favorite part:

ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
...
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.

I so want that as an LJ icon. Heeee.

[muzzyfeverlint.livejournal.com]

Randomly passing through while showing a friend this page -- saw your comment -- thought I'd post this.




It's quite a bit fast-paced, but as soon as I get the software onto my new computer I'm fixing it and making a slower version. Keep in touch.


~ Tanith, aka evilfuzzymonste or etsnomyzzuflive

[kodalai.livejournal.com]

GONDORIANS: *change calendar*

Best part evar. XD

[leiabelle.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha, this is hilarious! WANT SHINY! :D

[lightningbaron.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! Hillarious! and various other praising adjectives I can't think of right now :)


Mind if we grab some of these one-liners for icons? :) Will link back!

[camwyn]

Sure, that'd be fine! Thank you!

[tootsiemuppet.livejournal.com]

ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*

BRILLIANT!

[jewelsong.livejournal.com]

This is EXCELLENT!

I finally understand the Sil! *grin*

[little-birdy.livejournal.com]

Best. Thing. EVER. *fangirls, friends, loves, etc.*

[yueni]

*cracks up* Hahaha. *thumbs up*

[anaid-rabbit.livejournal.com]

Just brilliant. Did I mention brilliant? *Shiny*. ;)
This is so going into my memories, and I`m friending you because you`re very cool. :-)

Oooh shiny!

[angelislington.livejournal.com]

*CACKLES*

This is bloody brilliant. Oh, the hilarity. The joy. *gigglesqueee* :D

And people say the Silmarillion is hard to understand...pssh. ;-)

[fyrie.livejournal.com]

I hurt myself laughing on this and forever more will not be able to look at a Simaril as anything less or more than 'Ooh! Shiny!' :D

[suzene.livejournal.com]

Terrific stuff!

BEREN: *dies*
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
MANDOS: ... oh all right.
LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
BEREN: *returns to life*

Must have 'la la la' icon...

Suzene

[origamist.livejournal.com]

[http://users.livejournal.com/_xehra/]

Utter genius, not to mention hilarious... Kudos, mate :)

[traffic-cone.livejournal.com]

Morgoth -- the original jazz singer?

(You're awesome. Mind awfully if I friend you? :)

[camwyn]

Morgoth -- the original jazz singer?

Yeah, would've been great if he weren't in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or its equivalent at the time!

Mind awfully if I friend you?

Sure, go ahead.

[camwyn]

I'd be a lot happier if you could have my bunnies instead. I've got original fiction that I'm working on plus two ongoing crossovers (HP/Hellblazer and HP/Ghostbusters), plus Sixth Age of Arda stuff, and I keep having ideas that get in the way. If you'll take a couple of those I'd be right grateful.