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camwynAs some of y'all know, I read ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
deleterius and marysues from time to time. I've got ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pottersues on my friends list. There's something bracing about reading really bad fanfiction; it's a reminder of what I mustn't ever, EVER do in my own writing.
Lately there's been a surge of bad fanfic centering on Hermione. The poor girl's been subjected to every kind of indignity, but most of them center around the theme of 'Hermione gets a makeover during the summer and comes back to Hogwarts looking like the kind of ho-bag Professor McGonagall wouldn't let into her classroom if the alternative was being Dolores Umbridge's shoeshine girl'. A body can only take so much of that without snapping. I therefore present to you my take on the Hermione Makeover theme; I like to think that it's at least moderately possible, given what we know of the girl...
If A Thing's Worth Doing
Harry nudged Ron in the ribs. "Over there," he said, pointing across Platform 9¾.
Ron looked, and all but jumped out of his skin. "Hermione!" he cried. "Is that YOU?"
The girl smiled, the expression spilling across her face and threatening to split it from ear to ear. "Ron! Harry!" she answered happily, tucking a loose tendril of hair behind one ear. "It's so good to see you again!"
"We didn't hear from you all summer, Hermione," said Harry. Ron just stared, and made the occasional 'gah' noise. "What happened?"
"Well," said Hermione briskly as she fell in beside the two, "you know my parents decided that we ought to visit America this summer-"
Harry nodded. Hedwig had looked positively stricken when he'd read Hermione's letter to that effect aloud in front of her cage.
"-so I wouldn't be able to visit the Burrow." She looked at Ron, who was still goggling. "Unfortunately it didn't quite go as planned. Ron, are you all right?"
Ron swallowed. "Fine," he croaked. "Hermione, you've got-"
"Yes, yes, Ron, I know," Hermione said patiently. "I'm getting to that. You see, when we visited Boston, I found a shop selling some vintage American magical texts that are almost impossible to find in Britain. I still had some of my birthday money left, so before we headed for Maine I bought a copy of Aloysius Spengler's Theoretical Foundations of Runic Spell Construction. I figured it'd be something to read on the train between cities."
The boys exchanged glances. Hermione might look almost unrecognisably different, but that was definitely Hermione behaviour. "And? Go on," Harry urged.
"Well," Hermione continued, "chapter four talked about the use of ancient runes to improve the compartmentalisation of mental spell components. I won't bore you with the details-"
"That's a first," muttered Ron. Hermione ignored him.
"-All I'm going to say is that it sounded simple enough, so I gave one of his procedures a try." She sighed. "Unfortunately, it got a little out of hand and blew up in my face. Literally."
"Hang on," said Ron slowly. "Are you trying to say that some mouldy old American spell changed you into- THIS?"
She laughed. "Of course not, Ron! It wasn't even a Transfiguration spell!" She sobered. "No, it simply blew up. I got thrown halfway across the room by the backlash. When I woke up, my parents had somehow found a magical hospital in Derry." She sounded awfully proud of that. "The Healers there told me I should've read the rest of the book, because an accident like that was what had almost killed Aloysius Spengler in the first place."
Harry winced. Ron whistled softly. "But you were all right?"
"Not really." Hermione sighed ruefully. "They said I'd risked serious permanent magical damage and that I mustn't try any more spell-work for two months. In fact, I wasn't even supposed to read more than a few pages a day for a while, because my eyes had taken the worst of the explosion."
"You've GOT to be joking," said Harry, awed. "You? Not read?"
"That's what I said!" Hermione exclaimed. "I didn't want to believe it either, but I didn't have any choice. Not if I wanted to go back to school in the fall."
"So what did you do?"
"Well-"Hermione smiled. "I asked the Healers to explain it to my parents for me. They bought me this." She rummaged about in her rucksack and held out a small black box to Ron, who examined it wonderingly. "I haven't had one in years, as they don't work on the Hogwarts grounds. It's called a Walkman. It's a Muggle device that plays back recorded words and sounds, Ron, you might've seen one-"
"Not that I remember," said Ron, who was poking at buttons at random.
"Ah. Right. Well, anyway, my parents bought me this and a whole stack of Books On Tape. That's when Muggles take some book they've written and have someone read it aloud into one of these devices so they can play it back later."
"Like when the Ministry makes a recording of a prophecy? Does it show pictures, too?"
"It won't do that, Ron," said Harry, who'd seen Dudley shatter his own Walkman in frustration the month before. "Just sounds."
Hermione nodded. "Exactly. I couldn't get any magical books this way, there aren't any, but at least I could keep up with some kind of study without having to read."
"That doesn't explain why you look like that," Harry said, pushing his glasses up his nose as he looked Hermione over again. "I don't remember any Muggle recordings that can change how a person looks."
For Hermione's appearance had indeed changed. Her long, mousy-brown hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. While it still frizzed every which way, it was a striking departure from her usual looks. Her face, though still recognisable, was noticeably more angular, her cheekbones more prominent. She hadn't put on her Hogwarts robes yet, as the train hadn't arrived; the Muggle top she wore had been cut for wearing in the heat of summer, baring her shoulders and arms. That was what had made Ron splutter more than anything else. Hermione had muscles- toned, sculpted shoulders, solid-looking forearms, and upper arms that would've made even Dudley wish he were thin.
Hermione tried to look superior, but she couldn't entirely hide a smile of genuine pleasure. "That's because there aren't any," she said. "It's only that- well, one does tend to feel a bit of a useless lump if all one does is sit about listening, instead of doing things. I noticed that the hotel we stayed at in Maine had a few. . . extra facilities."
"Extra facilities?" Ron repeated doubtfully.
"An exercise room." Hermione sighed happily. "People think you're quite rude if you sit in your hotel room and don't come out to talk, but for some reason no one seems to mind if you take an hour or two and simply exercise. And every Muggle I saw who went in there had one of these on. . ."
Hermione went on to describe the exercise machines to Ron, who had never heard of such things as treadmills or climbing machines before and thought they sounded rather like someone's idea of a magical prank. The Nautilus machines she spoke of sounded even stranger, with their pulleys and weights and specifically targeted muscles, but their strangeness bordered on the magically acceptable somehow. Harry took a moment's pleasure in imagining Dudley entangled in one of the things before regretfully admitting that his cousin's bulk would probably tax even the best-made of the lot.
". . . and by the time we came back, I'd gotten to the point of bench-pressing sixty kilograms," finished Hermione with a smile.
Ron shook his head slowly. "You don't do anything by halves, do you, Hermione?"
"If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing well," Hermione said briskly. There came a piercing whistle and a roaring noise. "Say, isn't that the Hogwarts Express?"
deleterius and marysues from time to time. I've got pottersues on my friends list. There's something bracing about reading really bad fanfiction; it's a reminder of what I mustn't ever, EVER do in my own writing.Lately there's been a surge of bad fanfic centering on Hermione. The poor girl's been subjected to every kind of indignity, but most of them center around the theme of 'Hermione gets a makeover during the summer and comes back to Hogwarts looking like the kind of ho-bag Professor McGonagall wouldn't let into her classroom if the alternative was being Dolores Umbridge's shoeshine girl'. A body can only take so much of that without snapping. I therefore present to you my take on the Hermione Makeover theme; I like to think that it's at least moderately possible, given what we know of the girl...
If A Thing's Worth Doing
Harry nudged Ron in the ribs. "Over there," he said, pointing across Platform 9¾.
Ron looked, and all but jumped out of his skin. "Hermione!" he cried. "Is that YOU?"
The girl smiled, the expression spilling across her face and threatening to split it from ear to ear. "Ron! Harry!" she answered happily, tucking a loose tendril of hair behind one ear. "It's so good to see you again!"
"We didn't hear from you all summer, Hermione," said Harry. Ron just stared, and made the occasional 'gah' noise. "What happened?"
"Well," said Hermione briskly as she fell in beside the two, "you know my parents decided that we ought to visit America this summer-"
Harry nodded. Hedwig had looked positively stricken when he'd read Hermione's letter to that effect aloud in front of her cage.
"-so I wouldn't be able to visit the Burrow." She looked at Ron, who was still goggling. "Unfortunately it didn't quite go as planned. Ron, are you all right?"
Ron swallowed. "Fine," he croaked. "Hermione, you've got-"
"Yes, yes, Ron, I know," Hermione said patiently. "I'm getting to that. You see, when we visited Boston, I found a shop selling some vintage American magical texts that are almost impossible to find in Britain. I still had some of my birthday money left, so before we headed for Maine I bought a copy of Aloysius Spengler's Theoretical Foundations of Runic Spell Construction. I figured it'd be something to read on the train between cities."
The boys exchanged glances. Hermione might look almost unrecognisably different, but that was definitely Hermione behaviour. "And? Go on," Harry urged.
"Well," Hermione continued, "chapter four talked about the use of ancient runes to improve the compartmentalisation of mental spell components. I won't bore you with the details-"
"That's a first," muttered Ron. Hermione ignored him.
"-All I'm going to say is that it sounded simple enough, so I gave one of his procedures a try." She sighed. "Unfortunately, it got a little out of hand and blew up in my face. Literally."
"Hang on," said Ron slowly. "Are you trying to say that some mouldy old American spell changed you into- THIS?"
She laughed. "Of course not, Ron! It wasn't even a Transfiguration spell!" She sobered. "No, it simply blew up. I got thrown halfway across the room by the backlash. When I woke up, my parents had somehow found a magical hospital in Derry." She sounded awfully proud of that. "The Healers there told me I should've read the rest of the book, because an accident like that was what had almost killed Aloysius Spengler in the first place."
Harry winced. Ron whistled softly. "But you were all right?"
"Not really." Hermione sighed ruefully. "They said I'd risked serious permanent magical damage and that I mustn't try any more spell-work for two months. In fact, I wasn't even supposed to read more than a few pages a day for a while, because my eyes had taken the worst of the explosion."
"You've GOT to be joking," said Harry, awed. "You? Not read?"
"That's what I said!" Hermione exclaimed. "I didn't want to believe it either, but I didn't have any choice. Not if I wanted to go back to school in the fall."
"So what did you do?"
"Well-"Hermione smiled. "I asked the Healers to explain it to my parents for me. They bought me this." She rummaged about in her rucksack and held out a small black box to Ron, who examined it wonderingly. "I haven't had one in years, as they don't work on the Hogwarts grounds. It's called a Walkman. It's a Muggle device that plays back recorded words and sounds, Ron, you might've seen one-"
"Not that I remember," said Ron, who was poking at buttons at random.
"Ah. Right. Well, anyway, my parents bought me this and a whole stack of Books On Tape. That's when Muggles take some book they've written and have someone read it aloud into one of these devices so they can play it back later."
"Like when the Ministry makes a recording of a prophecy? Does it show pictures, too?"
"It won't do that, Ron," said Harry, who'd seen Dudley shatter his own Walkman in frustration the month before. "Just sounds."
Hermione nodded. "Exactly. I couldn't get any magical books this way, there aren't any, but at least I could keep up with some kind of study without having to read."
"That doesn't explain why you look like that," Harry said, pushing his glasses up his nose as he looked Hermione over again. "I don't remember any Muggle recordings that can change how a person looks."
For Hermione's appearance had indeed changed. Her long, mousy-brown hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. While it still frizzed every which way, it was a striking departure from her usual looks. Her face, though still recognisable, was noticeably more angular, her cheekbones more prominent. She hadn't put on her Hogwarts robes yet, as the train hadn't arrived; the Muggle top she wore had been cut for wearing in the heat of summer, baring her shoulders and arms. That was what had made Ron splutter more than anything else. Hermione had muscles- toned, sculpted shoulders, solid-looking forearms, and upper arms that would've made even Dudley wish he were thin.
Hermione tried to look superior, but she couldn't entirely hide a smile of genuine pleasure. "That's because there aren't any," she said. "It's only that- well, one does tend to feel a bit of a useless lump if all one does is sit about listening, instead of doing things. I noticed that the hotel we stayed at in Maine had a few. . . extra facilities."
"Extra facilities?" Ron repeated doubtfully.
"An exercise room." Hermione sighed happily. "People think you're quite rude if you sit in your hotel room and don't come out to talk, but for some reason no one seems to mind if you take an hour or two and simply exercise. And every Muggle I saw who went in there had one of these on. . ."
Hermione went on to describe the exercise machines to Ron, who had never heard of such things as treadmills or climbing machines before and thought they sounded rather like someone's idea of a magical prank. The Nautilus machines she spoke of sounded even stranger, with their pulleys and weights and specifically targeted muscles, but their strangeness bordered on the magically acceptable somehow. Harry took a moment's pleasure in imagining Dudley entangled in one of the things before regretfully admitting that his cousin's bulk would probably tax even the best-made of the lot.
". . . and by the time we came back, I'd gotten to the point of bench-pressing sixty kilograms," finished Hermione with a smile.
Ron shook his head slowly. "You don't do anything by halves, do you, Hermione?"
"If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing well," Hermione said briskly. There came a piercing whistle and a roaring noise. "Say, isn't that the Hogwarts Express?"
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:16 am (UTC)I do admit that I find myself wondering, just a touch, whether she's strong enough to lay out someone like Crabbe or Goyle. She hasn't spent the summer learning fighting arts, but even a big lummox like Crabbe might well be taken down by a sufficiently strong punch that he simply wasn't expecting. Of course, it would only lead to trouble, but it's just a moment's idea.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:24 am (UTC)oh dont hit crabbe. i just dont know if herm has it in her to really hit someone. she might hit a girl if a cat fight broke out. and i do mean hit, with a fist and not just girly-slap. but i am not really sure she would punch a boy. she is still brains over brawn. and we know the goontwins have no brains so that is a losing battle always.
but if it is worked out really well, and as a last resort, go for it. give crabbe a bloody nose. but herm has to have an injured hand.
just my two cents.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:33 am (UTC)But, y'know, it only works if it can come off sounding IC. If I can come up with a reason I'll consider it, but if I can't, it stays in the realm of Things That Aren't Gonna Happen.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-05 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 11:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 11:49 am (UTC)Although I bet Transfiguration spells would be damn easy there. 8-P
-- Lorrie
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 01:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 12:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:10 pm (UTC)Derry. Derry. And she doesn't wind up psychotic, not remembering anything, or dead? Wow.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 08:21 pm (UTC)1. The Derry Medico-Magical Center has one kickin' trauma unit, and an even more potent security department. God knows they've had enough practice; the motto of both departments is 'that which does not kill us probably sucks out our brains one way or another, but we'll make the bastards regret if it they try, and oh yeah, it makes us stronger, too'.
2. Even the various and sundry forces of dread and darkness know better than to mess with the daughter of dentists.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-24 11:06 pm (UTC)1. Derry? Never heard of it. I take it that it's not a pleasant place.
2. Defintitly interested in reading more.
3. How does Hermione plan on keeping her new bod? I doubt Hogwarts has Nautilus. Though the Room of Requirement could probably prodouce them.
4. Hermione should be careful. I don't know what kilograms is in terms of pounds, but if she slapped Draco, or even hit him hard enough in anger, and she does have a temper, bones could be broken.
5. There should be one scene where the other girls complain jealously about Hermione's flat stomach and sculpted bod. Just for comedy.
6. This just occured to me: Wandless magic seems to happen only when a witch or wizard is feeling particularly emotional, be it anger, fear, hate, whatever. It's possible, that, given Hermione's newfound strength and her temper, well, it is possible she could kill someone or at least, seriously injure them.
Actually, following that line of thought, if Hermione becomes focused on being strong, particularly if her strength fails her against, say, Crabbe or Goyle, her magic could be channeled into making her stronger, faster. You know she hates to fail.
I dunno, I'm just tossing out ideas here.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-24 11:17 pm (UTC)2. Not sure if I'm gonna do any more with this, tell you the truth. I was just having a backlash against the latest Hermione-makeover-Sue and her insistence on bigger boobs.
3. Combine Transfiguration practice with physical fitness. Turn things into dumbbells, then lift them. Not as efficient at targeting single muscle groups but eh, what can you do.
4. Hermione is benching a rather unrealistic weight, given that she's only been working out for a few months. That's around 132 pounds, which is significantly less than state records set by girls in her age group. I was counting on wizarding folk being innately tougher than Muggles- after all, Quidditch is played with enchanted iron balls (the Bludgers) and people routinely fall off brooms from twenty or thirty yards in the air and break nothing but a few wrist bones. Not the same as developing muscular strength, but I figure wizards can exercise more vigorously than Muggles and not take the kind of damage Muggles get from pushing muscle/bone/ligament too far too fast.
5. *snrrk* Yes, I suppose I could see that... heh.
6. True. I will remember that if I ever do more with this. Perhaps it would be fair to have her break a desk in two by mistake, warning her to be careful of her own strength.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-24 11:43 pm (UTC)Please, do more of it. This is very interesting. *Snicker* She could be a Gryffindor Beater
I can see her starting out that way, but sooner or later, the RoR has to occur to her.
Agreed on all of it. I'd be happy to collaborate with you on this if you'd like.
Also, go ahead and read Sailor Hellblazer. You don't need to really know Sailor Moon to enjoy it. Hell, I barely know anything about Hellblazer and plenty about Sailor Moon and I enjoyed it. It's a great fic.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 08:49 pm (UTC)As for the speech patterns... hm, that's a bit difficult to say. I tend to read and re-read the books quite a lot right before writing a fanfic; occasionally I'll sit with a book open on my lap in order to check whether I've got the 'voice' right. I've also read a lot of other British books, including more James Herriot than any healthy person ought- though I wouldn't use the Herriot books as dialect reference material for anyone except possibly Neville, and even he's not particularly Yorkshire in his speech. Essentially, a good text reference helps a great deal.
So did watching the movie a while ago; I tried to imagine each of her lines being said in Emma Watson's voice, and Ron's and Harry's in Rupert Grint's and Daniel Radcliffe's, respectively. Mostly, though, it was rereading Hermione's parts in books 1 and 5 (I'm not sure where my copies of the other three are) that did it.