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9/11 related post.
Mar. 5th, 2008 09:32 amWell, I acknowledged it today.
My boss noted in passing, after a meeting, that I seem to get bronchitis a lot. Normally, I would have answered him with 'oh, I've sounded like that since I was a little kid- my mom used to think I had whooping cough even though I'd been immunized'. Because it's been like that a lot, really. Anything that results in coughing tends to wind up sounding horrible on me whether it really is or not, or at least I've always said so... but today, well. Today I admitted to one of the few things I've done in my career that scares me.
"I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and 9/12. The doctor's aware. He takes a chest X-ray every year to make sure nothing horrible's happening, and so far he hasn't found anything, but I've probably been left more susceptible to that kind of thing."
I never wanted to admit that I might've been adversely affected, health-wise, because that's the kind of effect that stays with you your whole life. I was afraid that I'd find out that I had some kind of diminished lung capacity that would never be coming back no matter what I did, and like every person who's ever developed a dislike of doctors late in life, I didn't admit that 9/11 could have hurt me long-term because admitting the possibility gave it power and made it real. I have no regrets for having done the job, and I'm proud of having served my city and my Red Cross at Ground Zero. I would have kept doing it if the chapter CEO hadn't decided I was more needed on the chapter's computers- and if the situation arises again, I'd willingly do it again. But the prospect of it having left me with some kind of long-term damage... I just didn't want to acknowledge that.
I don't know why I admitted it today. I guess I'm just tired of saying 'it's not as bad as it sounds'. If it happened, it happened, and I have to admit that it might have harmed me if I'm going to take care of it properly.
... and, yes, I've been in the WTC Health Registry since the day it opened. I'll be telling them about this illness on my next questionnaire. Admitting to yourself and the people around you that you might have been harmed isn't the same thing as being a data point to uncover possible patterns, in my mind. No one ever said I was completely logical.
My boss noted in passing, after a meeting, that I seem to get bronchitis a lot. Normally, I would have answered him with 'oh, I've sounded like that since I was a little kid- my mom used to think I had whooping cough even though I'd been immunized'. Because it's been like that a lot, really. Anything that results in coughing tends to wind up sounding horrible on me whether it really is or not, or at least I've always said so... but today, well. Today I admitted to one of the few things I've done in my career that scares me.
"I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and 9/12. The doctor's aware. He takes a chest X-ray every year to make sure nothing horrible's happening, and so far he hasn't found anything, but I've probably been left more susceptible to that kind of thing."
I never wanted to admit that I might've been adversely affected, health-wise, because that's the kind of effect that stays with you your whole life. I was afraid that I'd find out that I had some kind of diminished lung capacity that would never be coming back no matter what I did, and like every person who's ever developed a dislike of doctors late in life, I didn't admit that 9/11 could have hurt me long-term because admitting the possibility gave it power and made it real. I have no regrets for having done the job, and I'm proud of having served my city and my Red Cross at Ground Zero. I would have kept doing it if the chapter CEO hadn't decided I was more needed on the chapter's computers- and if the situation arises again, I'd willingly do it again. But the prospect of it having left me with some kind of long-term damage... I just didn't want to acknowledge that.
I don't know why I admitted it today. I guess I'm just tired of saying 'it's not as bad as it sounds'. If it happened, it happened, and I have to admit that it might have harmed me if I'm going to take care of it properly.
... and, yes, I've been in the WTC Health Registry since the day it opened. I'll be telling them about this illness on my next questionnaire. Admitting to yourself and the people around you that you might have been harmed isn't the same thing as being a data point to uncover possible patterns, in my mind. No one ever said I was completely logical.
