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The Table O'Terror, Explained
Feb. 10th, 2003 10:15 amNote: this is my own personal interpretation. My employers at the American Red Cross are unaware of this and I most definitely do NOT speak for them in this matter. This is a civilian's response to all this yellow/orange crap that's been going on for more than a year now. Mine. Not theirs. Mine.
Green - Low Risk
At this level the appropriate security response is to discuss baseball scores and make rude armpit noises, because frankly, you're probably in more danger from deranged CPA's who've prepared one tax return too many than from terrorists. Not that we've been anywhere near this level since 11 September, but hey.
Blue - Guarded / General Risk
This is supposed to be baseline, or something. I dunno. At this level it is appropriate to look worried every so often, slap small patriotic stickers on your car bumper, and wave to the soldiers in Penn Station. Emergency responders such as ambulance squads, law enforcement, and fire departments should work on their standard drills - plane crashes, large-scale fires, etc. - rather than anything particularly WMD-related.
Yellow - Elevated Risk
This is pretty much where we've been since 11 September 2001. Here it is appropriate to chew your fingernails and complain about the price of gas, but not too much. Other preparations include talking about what you would do in the event of a major terror attack somewhere, but not actually making any of the preparations, because this is the United States and nobody in this country except Scouts, Mormons, the Coast Guard, and emergency response organizations is willing to acknowledge that Bad Things Might Happen even though they already have. Emergency responders should add WMD drills to their routines around here, but they are allowed to poke the designated 'victims' in these drills and ask, "Hey, you dead or what?"
Orange - High Risk
Here it is appropriate to watch the BBC News on cable instead of or in addition to CNN Headline News. According to Federal guidelines, Orange Alert means you should pee your pants with fear, but it is not a high enough risk to warrant crapping them as well. Civilians should buy good-sized first aid kits and feel guilty that they are not keeping more disaster supplies on hand, because let's face it, fires and floods don't pay attention to the Table O'Terror Risk and boy will they feel stupid if the Mississippi / Hudson / Columbia rises and they have to flee the house and have no supplies but the clothes on their backs. First responders should take the precaution of buying particulate respirators at Home Depot and becoming mildly to moderately sarcastic in their everyday senses of humor. On drills they are no longer permitted to poke the victims, but quoting disaster movies to each other is acceptable. Some care should be taken, however; "Boy did I pick the wrong week to quit amphetamines!" is not appropriate around pilots and Canadians.
Red - Severe Risk
Oh, go ahead and crap, you know you want to. Red Alert means that someone just erased the line between real life and Jerry Bruckheimer movies, and I am not talking about Kangaroo Jack, either. Here the appropriate response from the civilian population is to run to the store and buy all the bottled water in sight, because God knows, being surrounded by a thick layer of Poland Spring gallon jugs can hold off anything from flying shrapnel to a biplane full of anthrax. The appropriate response from emergency responders is to get extra sarcastic, then throw a change of clothes, several extra pairs of underwear/socks, and a pair of comfortable boots into their vehicles, because they're probably not going home any time soon.
Green - Low Risk
At this level the appropriate security response is to discuss baseball scores and make rude armpit noises, because frankly, you're probably in more danger from deranged CPA's who've prepared one tax return too many than from terrorists. Not that we've been anywhere near this level since 11 September, but hey.
Blue - Guarded / General Risk
This is supposed to be baseline, or something. I dunno. At this level it is appropriate to look worried every so often, slap small patriotic stickers on your car bumper, and wave to the soldiers in Penn Station. Emergency responders such as ambulance squads, law enforcement, and fire departments should work on their standard drills - plane crashes, large-scale fires, etc. - rather than anything particularly WMD-related.
Yellow - Elevated Risk
This is pretty much where we've been since 11 September 2001. Here it is appropriate to chew your fingernails and complain about the price of gas, but not too much. Other preparations include talking about what you would do in the event of a major terror attack somewhere, but not actually making any of the preparations, because this is the United States and nobody in this country except Scouts, Mormons, the Coast Guard, and emergency response organizations is willing to acknowledge that Bad Things Might Happen even though they already have. Emergency responders should add WMD drills to their routines around here, but they are allowed to poke the designated 'victims' in these drills and ask, "Hey, you dead or what?"
Orange - High Risk
Here it is appropriate to watch the BBC News on cable instead of or in addition to CNN Headline News. According to Federal guidelines, Orange Alert means you should pee your pants with fear, but it is not a high enough risk to warrant crapping them as well. Civilians should buy good-sized first aid kits and feel guilty that they are not keeping more disaster supplies on hand, because let's face it, fires and floods don't pay attention to the Table O'Terror Risk and boy will they feel stupid if the Mississippi / Hudson / Columbia rises and they have to flee the house and have no supplies but the clothes on their backs. First responders should take the precaution of buying particulate respirators at Home Depot and becoming mildly to moderately sarcastic in their everyday senses of humor. On drills they are no longer permitted to poke the victims, but quoting disaster movies to each other is acceptable. Some care should be taken, however; "Boy did I pick the wrong week to quit amphetamines!" is not appropriate around pilots and Canadians.
Red - Severe Risk
Oh, go ahead and crap, you know you want to. Red Alert means that someone just erased the line between real life and Jerry Bruckheimer movies, and I am not talking about Kangaroo Jack, either. Here the appropriate response from the civilian population is to run to the store and buy all the bottled water in sight, because God knows, being surrounded by a thick layer of Poland Spring gallon jugs can hold off anything from flying shrapnel to a biplane full of anthrax. The appropriate response from emergency responders is to get extra sarcastic, then throw a change of clothes, several extra pairs of underwear/socks, and a pair of comfortable boots into their vehicles, because they're probably not going home any time soon.
