Caveman Movie Reviews 3: Hitman.
May. 7th, 2003 08:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camwynIt sad, sad day when Og not feel like finish Jet Li movie.
See, Og watch many movie. Og have DVD drive in demon box on desk. Og watch any movie Og want in privacy own cave. Og rent many movie, buy many movie. When Og buy movie, Og watch all way through, even if Og turn out buy movie stink worse than wolf-dog poopoo. Og mostly have good luck when Og rent movie. Sometimes Og not so lucky. Og have big deep important thought: "Og, life too short watch movie not make Og happy." So Og decide, Og watch movie all way through if Og buy - then Og sell, if movie bad. If Og only rent movie, Og not need watch whole thing.
Og join Netflix. Og ask for first three movie: Hitman, Seventh Curse, Hero Beyond Boundary of Time. Hitman arrive in Og mail cave yesterday. Happy Og! Og take movie home, do dance of joy to spirits, then watch movie. Og thinking maybe Og not dance long enough, because spirits give Og crappy movie.
Movie begin with Chinese writing all over screen, like Star Wars. Writing say men with club and boom stick always ask for mammoth ivory, but now new man with club and boom stick not ask. Only kill man who need killing. Called 'King of Assassins'. Og think, hm, odd way start movie, but not bad way. So Og sit back and watch. Movie then go to rich man from Japan in big big stack of caves. Rich man say bad bad things. Man in black with thing over face break into stack of caves, kill rich man, but rich man have HUGE pile mammoth ivory for give person who get revenge. Hm, okay, sound good, right?
So next part movie show Jet Li at market, argue over pay too much for food. Look like college student, only older. Og not mind, think maybe part of disguise. Next Og find out Jet live in same cave five other guys, all have club and boom stick, all kill for ivory. Only Jet not make much money, so man in charge of cave kick Jet out. But first man say, rich man from Japan die, many many many mammoth ivory for revenge. Man laugh at Jet when Jet ask if Jet can go for revenge. Say Jet look poor, maybe go temple instead. Jet look sad, leave cave.
Og think, Og see story like this. Where Og see story? Oh yes. Og see Cinderella. No! You not go to see big man who ask for all willing killer in land, you not have good clothes, you sleep in fire ash! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Og keep watching, but movie not get much better. Movie show many scene where Jet do nice thing. Movie show one, two scene where Jet kick ass. Not enough ass, if ask Og. Movie also show scene where Jet fairy godfather, little fat man nickname Crocodile, get Jet into ball to dance with prince - oop. Sorry, Og mean meeting with many man with club and boom stick where man with scary-ass hair who work for man from Japan tell everyone about revenge deal. Police come in, cause trouble, but no one get arrested. So Jet and fairy godfather leave meeting, fairy godfather say, we get you thing you need. . .
Og see next part movie before, too, and Og scared. Because next part movie not Cinderella. Next part movie Pretty Woman. Og serious! Fairy godfather take Jet shopping at place Jet not ever able even dream of shopping before! Fairy godfather get Jet suit cost nineteen thousand piece of Hong Kong mammoth ivory! Fairy godfather give lecture on fashion! Fairy godfather say different look good for different thing, talk each different look while Jet show up wearing different thing! Camera even pan over whole wall expensive shoes! Scene end with Jet walk out of shop carry two shopping bag full clothes. Og bang head on desk.
Og keep watch movie, though. Jet and fairy godfather wind up at park with all kinds ride, many kids. Look for man to kill. Jet play game for kids first, win many prizes. Og think: okay, Og think Jet character nice guy, think do this for kids, but Og have big big trouble think Jet character ever kill anyone if this nice. When fairy godfather say 'there, that man, you kill him', Jet get very sad because man is daddy of boy Jet win big prize for. Jet start towards him with knife, but not go through with it. Og believe that. Og also believe next scene where fight break out because many other man with boom stick show up, start shooting people, and Jet start kick ass again. . . but by time scene over and fairy godfather pretty daughter show up pay Jet bail, daddy bail, Og lose faith in movie. Og stop watching. Og spend one hour on movie.
Movie two hours long. Og figure, maybe movie get better in next hour, but Og not gonna stick around for that. Og not believe Jet character proper killer. If Og only person on island with this Jet character and Og and Jet character survival depend on catch and kill animal, Og get up and hunt even though Og leg broken five places. Jet character too nice. Og know Jet play nice guy who kick ass before; Og love love LOVE 'My Father Is A Hero'. But this character, Og not believe. Og also think movie pacing weird. First hour hardly any kicking ass! Too much talking, too much Pretty Woman doodoo! When Og want drama, Og rent drama. When Og want comedy, Og rent comedy. When Og want Pretty Woman, Og find mog-ur, ask drill hole in head, let evil spirit out. . . you get idea.
Og wish Og able say better thing about movie. Maybe movie get better ten minutes after Og stop watching? Who know. Og not gonna stick around watch second half, though. Life too short watch movie not make Og happy.
See, Og watch many movie. Og have DVD drive in demon box on desk. Og watch any movie Og want in privacy own cave. Og rent many movie, buy many movie. When Og buy movie, Og watch all way through, even if Og turn out buy movie stink worse than wolf-dog poopoo. Og mostly have good luck when Og rent movie. Sometimes Og not so lucky. Og have big deep important thought: "Og, life too short watch movie not make Og happy." So Og decide, Og watch movie all way through if Og buy - then Og sell, if movie bad. If Og only rent movie, Og not need watch whole thing.
Og join Netflix. Og ask for first three movie: Hitman, Seventh Curse, Hero Beyond Boundary of Time. Hitman arrive in Og mail cave yesterday. Happy Og! Og take movie home, do dance of joy to spirits, then watch movie. Og thinking maybe Og not dance long enough, because spirits give Og crappy movie.
Movie begin with Chinese writing all over screen, like Star Wars. Writing say men with club and boom stick always ask for mammoth ivory, but now new man with club and boom stick not ask. Only kill man who need killing. Called 'King of Assassins'. Og think, hm, odd way start movie, but not bad way. So Og sit back and watch. Movie then go to rich man from Japan in big big stack of caves. Rich man say bad bad things. Man in black with thing over face break into stack of caves, kill rich man, but rich man have HUGE pile mammoth ivory for give person who get revenge. Hm, okay, sound good, right?
So next part movie show Jet Li at market, argue over pay too much for food. Look like college student, only older. Og not mind, think maybe part of disguise. Next Og find out Jet live in same cave five other guys, all have club and boom stick, all kill for ivory. Only Jet not make much money, so man in charge of cave kick Jet out. But first man say, rich man from Japan die, many many many mammoth ivory for revenge. Man laugh at Jet when Jet ask if Jet can go for revenge. Say Jet look poor, maybe go temple instead. Jet look sad, leave cave.
Og think, Og see story like this. Where Og see story? Oh yes. Og see Cinderella. No! You not go to see big man who ask for all willing killer in land, you not have good clothes, you sleep in fire ash! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Og keep watching, but movie not get much better. Movie show many scene where Jet do nice thing. Movie show one, two scene where Jet kick ass. Not enough ass, if ask Og. Movie also show scene where Jet fairy godfather, little fat man nickname Crocodile, get Jet into ball to dance with prince - oop. Sorry, Og mean meeting with many man with club and boom stick where man with scary-ass hair who work for man from Japan tell everyone about revenge deal. Police come in, cause trouble, but no one get arrested. So Jet and fairy godfather leave meeting, fairy godfather say, we get you thing you need. . .
Og see next part movie before, too, and Og scared. Because next part movie not Cinderella. Next part movie Pretty Woman. Og serious! Fairy godfather take Jet shopping at place Jet not ever able even dream of shopping before! Fairy godfather get Jet suit cost nineteen thousand piece of Hong Kong mammoth ivory! Fairy godfather give lecture on fashion! Fairy godfather say different look good for different thing, talk each different look while Jet show up wearing different thing! Camera even pan over whole wall expensive shoes! Scene end with Jet walk out of shop carry two shopping bag full clothes. Og bang head on desk.
Og keep watch movie, though. Jet and fairy godfather wind up at park with all kinds ride, many kids. Look for man to kill. Jet play game for kids first, win many prizes. Og think: okay, Og think Jet character nice guy, think do this for kids, but Og have big big trouble think Jet character ever kill anyone if this nice. When fairy godfather say 'there, that man, you kill him', Jet get very sad because man is daddy of boy Jet win big prize for. Jet start towards him with knife, but not go through with it. Og believe that. Og also believe next scene where fight break out because many other man with boom stick show up, start shooting people, and Jet start kick ass again. . . but by time scene over and fairy godfather pretty daughter show up pay Jet bail, daddy bail, Og lose faith in movie. Og stop watching. Og spend one hour on movie.
Movie two hours long. Og figure, maybe movie get better in next hour, but Og not gonna stick around for that. Og not believe Jet character proper killer. If Og only person on island with this Jet character and Og and Jet character survival depend on catch and kill animal, Og get up and hunt even though Og leg broken five places. Jet character too nice. Og know Jet play nice guy who kick ass before; Og love love LOVE 'My Father Is A Hero'. But this character, Og not believe. Og also think movie pacing weird. First hour hardly any kicking ass! Too much talking, too much Pretty Woman doodoo! When Og want drama, Og rent drama. When Og want comedy, Og rent comedy. When Og want Pretty Woman, Og find mog-ur, ask drill hole in head, let evil spirit out. . . you get idea.
Og wish Og able say better thing about movie. Maybe movie get better ten minutes after Og stop watching? Who know. Og not gonna stick around watch second half, though. Life too short watch movie not make Og happy.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 06:57 am (UTC)I am amused. Especially by:
When Og want Pretty Woman, Og find mog-ur, ask drill hole in head, let evil spirit out. . . you get idea.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 07:13 am (UTC)Also, me laugh. Poor Og!
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Date: 2003-05-07 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 08:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 07:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 12:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-17 02:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-17 09:57 pm (UTC)