camwyn | Hwat.

Contention: every single thing of any note that happens in Beowulf works just as well, or better, if you replace Beowulf with Bender from Futurama.

Hrothgar’s retainer: Ere ye pass on your journey / As treacherous spies to the land of the Scyldings / And farther fare, I fully must know now / What race ye belong to. Ye far-away dwellers, / Sea-faring sailors, my simple opinion / Hear ye and hearken: haste is most fitting / Plainly to tell me what place ye are from.
Bender: We are the AWESOME people. These are my guys, the Geats. Me, I’m Bender, and I’m just Great. (Heh, heh.) I heard your king built the world’s most awesome party house-
Hrothgar’s retainer: Mead hall.
Bender: Same thing. And it attracted a monster?
Hrothgar’s retainer: Grendel.
Bender: Right yeah whatever. The point is, you got a monster that eats people because it doesn’t like partying. Me, I love to party. I don’t know what that Grendel guy’s problem is, but we’re gonna kick his ass for you.
Hrothgar’s retainer: The difference surely / ‘Twixt words and works, the warlike shield-bearer/ Who judgeth wisely well shall determine-
Bender: LESS TALK. MORE PARTY HOUSE

Hrothgar: So…
Bender: I’m Bender! You guys already know me, but I’m gonna tell you a couple of extra awesome things about me just so you all remember how great I am. And then I’m gonna fight your monster-
Hrothgar: Grendel?
Bender: Yeah, him. With my BARE HANDS.
Hrothgar: …
Bender: What? I’m a robot, okay? I’m at least thirty times stronger than any of you chumps. I totally don’t need anything other than these two beauties right here. *wiggles fingers* And if he doesn’t like it, he can bite my SHINY METAL ASS.

Unferth: I heard you were a loser in a swimming contest.
Bender: A, you’re drunk off your ass, and B, I’m totally more awesome than my cousin ever was. I just didn’t wanna embarrass him, so instead of swimming I walked on the ocean bottom instead. And I killed a couple of sea monsters while I as at it, too. *opens chest* See?
Sea monster corpse: *half falls out, Bender stuffs it back in*

Grendel: GRAAAAAAAAARGH. *grabs sleeping guy, starts eating him*
Bender: Hey! Asshole! Eat this!!
Grendel: *runs away screaming*
Bender: What a sissy. Hey, somebody get a couple of beers ready. I gotta go make sure that guy doesn’t come back. *leaves* *fighting noises ensue* *returns* Hey, King! I got his arm! Is this awesome or what? Do you mind if I nail it to your wall?
Hrothgar: I-
Bender: Too late. Already did it.

Hrothgar: Bender, there’s a problem.
Bender: Sorry, having trouble hearing you under all this gold and stuff you gave me. What’s up, King?
Hrothgar: The monster you killed last night had a mother and she’s angry.
Bender: Awesome. We can go kill Mommy together!
Hrothgar: … we?
Bender: Sure. I need a witness to my AWESOME.

Bender: WILL YOU JERKS STOP BITING ME WHILE I TAKE A WHOLE DAY TO SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN. Stupid sea monsters.

Grendel’s mother: GRAAAAAAAAARGH.
Bender: I’m gonna kick your ass so hard-augh!
Grendel’s mother: *sits on Bender*
Grendel’s mother: *attempts to stab Bender*
Grendel’s mother: *attempts several more times, each time with more amusing tinka-tink noises*
Bender: Okay, see, this is where being a robot comes in handy. Especially the part where I have extendo-arms. *grabs giant-sword* *stabs Grendel’s mother a couple of times with it* Sweet! *sees Grendel’s corpse* Oooh. I have an idea.

Hrothgar, looking at the water: He’s dead, isn’t he.
Bender, trudging out of the water: I’m not. But mommy is. And that jerk Grendel’s extra dead. *opens chest, drops Grendel’s head, old sword, several pieces of treasure, etc.*

The Geats: The king is dead. Bender, you be king now.
Bender: This is awesome! Party time! Presents and beer for everyone!
The Geats: YAY!
Bender: *steals about half the gifts back when nobody is looking, but hey, the important part is that he was seen giving them out in the first place*

Some Geat or other: King Bender! King Bender! There’s a dragon and he’s killed a lot of people-
Bender: Boo hoo hoo.
The Geat: And he has SO. MUCH. GOLD.
Bender: *sits up straight* Tell me more about this dragon. And get me like eleven guys and a sword and shield and stuff. I do likes me some gold.

The dragon: GRAAAA.
Bender’s guys: *run away*
Bender: Aaah, you buncha sissies! C’mere, dragon, I’ll fight you all by myself!
Dragon: *basically bites sword in half*
Bender: Aw, crap. *stabs dragon with knife*
Dragon: *looks very surprised and starts bleeding copiously* *runs away making whimpering noises before falling over dead nearby*
Bender: Booyah. Am I not the most- *leg falls off* awesome- *arm falls off* Huh. *several body panels fall off*
Wiglaf: Uh, King Bender-
Bender: Okay, I know this looks bad, but- *body falls out from under him, head hits floor* Well, crap. Hey! Wiglaf! Show me the treasure!
Wiglaf: What?
Bender: The treasure, you jerk. I’m dyin’ here. Take me in and show me all that sweet, sweet gold. Nothing better for a dying old robot’s processor than the sight of huge amounts of bling.