camwyn | And the other assignment... (Reply)

UBERTECH, INC.
OFFICE OF THE CEO
1 TECHNOLOGY WAY
ANNANDALE, NEW JERSEY 08840

Mr. Paul Harris-Berger
Senior Engineering Manager
Engineering Division
1 Technology Way
Annandale, NJ 08840

Dear Mr. Harris-Berger:

Please allow me to congratulate you for having completed your nineteenth year of service here at Ubertech, Inc. Your continued service to this corporation despite numerous inducements to pursue employment elsewhere have served as a fine example of loyalty to the employees here at the Annandale facility. The amount of effort the engineering department has put forth under your guidance has set new precedents throughout Ubertech’s United States holdings. Indeed, the number of patents coming out of your department – with your name on them, no less – is without equal in the history of this corporation. Few managers have had as much of an impact as you.

That having been said, a review of your records and those of your department has brought a number of disturbing, even alarming, facts to light. Performance reviews submitted by you have been revealed, under examination from external jobs evaluation firms, to contain a significant number of distortions, untruths, and outright lies about your staff, including accusations of ‘poor hygiene’, ‘petty theft’, and ‘anger and denial’. All of these claims were proven to be false by Ubertech Internal Security investigators. An audit of our employee services records revealed that only one person from your department utilized the company’s drug treatment program last year, but that person never once tested positive for drugs; sworn statements from both Ms. Davis and the head of the treatment program confirmed that you demanded that she check in as a condition of further employment. According to notes taken by your own secretary at a staff meeting held two days before Ms. Davis’ ‘treatment’ began, you did this because you thought it would make you look more proactive. Your department’s travel expenses ran so far over budget last quarter that the only employee in Engineering who received a bonus was yourself. The fact that you charged a personal vacation to Hawaii to the company on falsified grounds of attempting to obtain a military contract only exacerbates the situation. On top of all this, the National Transportation Safety Bureau has obtained affidavits from ten of the crew members of the U. S. S. Greenville that you attempted no less than three times to engage the submarine’s helm officer and command crew in a conga line during the emergency surfacing drill that resulted in the destruction of the Ehime Maru.

As a consequence of the above, your employment is terminated, effective immediately. The Ubertech Internal Security representatives who delivered this letter to you will assist you, if you wish, in cleaning out your desk and removing your own personal property from your office. They have been given all of your submitted receipts for the past nineteen years by the Chief Financial Officer; any attempts to remove property for which Ubertech paid, in whole or in part, will result in immediate arrest by the Annandale police officer who will accompany them, and you, to your car. One of the Internal Security representatives will also assist in the removal of all personal and non-work-related files, documents, and applications from your office computer and laptop, which will remain Ubertech property as per the agreement you signed at the time the devices were issued. As per Ubertech corporate procedure with all dismissed managers, an appointment has been scheduled for you one week from today with Snelling Placement Services. An appointment has also been scheduled for you with Ubertech’s Chief Legal Officer regarding the U. S. S. Greenville investigation. That appointment is scheduled for 8 AM tomorrow.

I thank you for your past years here at Ubertech, and regret that matters came to such a pass. It is my sincere hope that any further experiences with you will be considerably more pleasant and beneficial to all concerned. When you get to Snelling next Thursday, make sure to ask for Judy; she has the highest success rate at placing former Ubertech employees in temp-to-perm positions.

Sincerely,

The Big Cheese
Chief Executive Officer