Another song.

[camwyn]

You have been warned.

---

Ah-Chiang

(Song takes place in a Kowloon nightclub. Qinshou and Ah-Chiang have just had an argument over Qinshou's decision to accept Mei Li as ransom for her father. Qinshou leaves and Ah-Chiang, played by Andy Lau, scowls at the door before stalking over to the table where his closest buddies sit.)

(spoken)
[Ah-Chiang]
Who does he think he is? I made Qinshou the man he is today! He'd be nothing without me!
[Glasses-wearing Henchman]
Heh heh. Too right.
[Ah-Chiang]
Dismissed! Disobeyed! That jerk's out to take over my operation, I just know it.
[Bartender]
More beer?
[Ah-Chiang]
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
[Smoking Henchman]
Who, you? Never! Ah-Chiang, you've got to pull yourself together.

(sung)
[Smoking Henchman]
It's downright disturbing to see you, Ah-Chiang
Knocked back so far off your pace

[Glasses Henchman]
Every guy here'd love to be you, Ah-Chiang
But none of us dare take your place.

Not one of the gang's as admired as you
You're everyone's favourite guy

[Smoking Henchman]
Even the cops are inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why. . .

(three gorgeous women enter club together)

[SH/GH together]
No one's slick as Ah-Chiang
(bartender points gorgeous women at Ah-Chiang)
No one's quick as Ah-Chiang
(One woman drops into Ah-Chiang's lap, others drape themselves on either side of him)
No one's got an incredible chick like Ah-Chiang

For there's no one in town half as manly

[GH]
Perfect, a real paragon
You can ask any merchant in Stanley
And they'll tell you whose good side they'd rather be on

[Whole gang]
No one's been like Ah-Chiang
A kingpin like Ah-Chiang

[SH]
No one's got such a scar 'cross his chin like Ah-Chiang

(Ah-Chiang grins, sets the woman aside, stands and flexes)
[Ah-Chiang]
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating

[Whole gang]
My what a guy, that Ah-Chiang

[SH]
Give five "hurrahs"!
Give twelve "hip-hips"!

[GH]
Ah-Chiang is the best

[GH/SH]
And the rest are all drips. . .

(Ah-Chiang leaps up on the table and starts dancing)

[Whole gang]
No one fights like Ah-Chiang
'members slights like Ah-Chiang

[One-eared gangster]
In a boxing match nobody bites like Ah-Chiang

[Gorgeous woman & her companions]
For there's no one as studly or brawny

(Ah-Chiang pulls off his shirt)
[Ah-Chiang]
As you see, I've got muscles to spare

[SH]
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny

[Ah-Chiang]
(That's right!)
And every last inch of me's totally bare!

(Ah-Chiang moves to moon the club but SH and GH step between him and the crowd as he yanks down his pants, then pulls them back up; the women look disappointed)

[Whole gang]
No one hits like Ah-Chiang

[Bartender]
Matches wits like Ah-Chiang

(Bartender holds a shot glass canted forward over his head)

[SH]
In a spitting match nobody spits like Ah-Chiang

(various people start placing bets)

[Ah-Chiang]
I'm especially good at expectorating
(Ptooey!)

[Whole gang]
Ten bucks on Ah-Chiang!
(money changes hands)

(Ah-Chiang starts putting his shirt back on)

[Ah-Chiang]
When Qinshou was a lad I got him in my gang
'Cos I knew what a killer he'd be
And now that he's grown and he's after my gang
I can tell that he's just copying meeeeeeeeeee. . .
(Ah-Chiang pulls a gun from Smoking Henchman's jacket)

(Ah-Chiang shoots the end off a cigarette halfway across the club)
[Whole gang]
No one shoots like Ah-Chiang
(Ah-Chiang hands the gun back and leaps into the gorgeous women's arms)
Nails those beauts like Ah-Chiang
(the women giggle and straighten him up; Ah-Chiang snatches Glasses Henchman's jacket and pulls it on)

[GH]
Or looks nearly as good in their suits as Ah-Chiang

[Ah-Chiang]
Take a look at the size of my credit rating

[Whole gang]
Say it again
Who's a man among men?
And then say it once more
Who's the Big Man next door?
Who's a super success?
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
(The women join in)
Ask his fans and all his hangers-on
There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down. . .

(The door opens. The room goes silent. Qinshou pokes his head inside. Everyone stares at him.)

(spoken)
[Qinshou]
I forgot this.
(He holds up his cellular phone, which had been left at the end of the bar.)

(Qinshou leaves. Everyone exhales.)

(sung)
[Everyone in nightclub]
Ah-Chiang!

---

Today's pulp survival tip is #62. Gender equality is all very noble, but if you really want the privileges/ responsibilities/ common courtesy shown to members of the opposite sex, go drag.

Comments

[cadhla.livejournal.com]

You realize I'll be close enough to hit you soon, yes?

[camwyn]

I really need to do a userpic with a proper monkeysmile.

Dammit, I'm not a filker by nature. I need something to sing at the convention. And if that means scaring up people to play the parts of Triad members for the song, then so be it.