camwyn | In violation of Rule 87

In violation of Rule 87

Thank you, Specialist Schwartz.

THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)

1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.

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*snicker* *snicker*

6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.

Has he tried trading anything to the spiders yet?

8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.

I'm sure that discovering that is a story in itself.

11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.

However, it IS an effective way...

14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.

Also frighteningly effective. Snape might start taking notes from John on how to terrorize a class.

19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.

However, there's nothing wrong with claiming the latter as his unofficial title.

20. I do not know Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if it is really, really easy to fake.

Or maybe John is just a natural Legilimens who has honed his talents with con artistry in his own world...

21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name.

I don't really think anyone could help making fun of Fudge. The temptation to call him "Nutty Fudge" after the confection is just too tempting.

23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.

I just had this mental image of Neville Longbottom becoming a pirate on the Spanish Main.

24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.

Now THAT is a good rule.

This is extraordinarily funny. I love this.

This is extraordinarily funny. I love this.

I'll see that and raise you a rousing hell YES! ^_^

Oh, and your icon...? I'm in love.

daddy not want nana anymore?

Has he tried trading anything to the spiders yet?

I'd been considering that but couldn't come up with anything appropriate. I'm sure it will suggest itself as things progress. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't add 'Not allowed to keep baby giant spider in my quarters so that I can bring it back with me as a 'special gift' for very deserving people when I go home' to the list.

Also frighteningly effective. Snape might start taking notes from John on how to terrorize a class.

I was thinking specifically of 'Accio necktie'. I rather expect he does this at least once, instead of being pre-emptively forbidden.

However, there's nothing wrong with claiming the latter as his unofficial title.

Oh sure. He's just not allowed to sign any paperwork that way.

Or maybe John is just a natural Legilimens who has honed his talents with con artistry in his own world...

I was thinking that he seems to me like someone who'd be pretty damn good at Occlumency; from there I came to the realisation that he almost certainly does have a talent for Legilimency, and simply doesn't know it. He thinks he's just good at sniffing certain things out because 'bullshit calls to bullshit'.

I don't really think anyone could help making fun of Fudge.

21a. Well, not in front of the students, anyway.

25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.

But Christmas music by the Pogues is the best christmas music there is! *G*

(and now it's stuck in my head. thank you very much *L*)

I've been discussing Christmas matters with one of my beta-readers. There is going to be an occurrence of the Pogues that gets John in trouble, but I have... different plans for that bit.

Nutty Fudge? That's what you thought?

I was thinking along the lines of, well, when Minister Fudge got kicked off his job, the headline could be, "Minister Fudge Packs his bags".

6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
Has he tried trading anything to the spiders yet?

86. Not, in fact, allowed to attempt any sort of negotions with any group of beings not affiliated with Hogwarts in order to circumvent any other rule on this list.

I just want to add my kudos to the rest, this is marvelous.

Thank you, but I really can't take credit for this. Specialist "Skippy" Schwartz, a US Army soldier stationed in the Balkans somewhere, provided the inspiration. Click on the link in the title for an extant copy of Skippy's List- it used to be at skippyslist.com but the domain name has since gone away. Skippy's List was a read-off of 213 things Specialist Schwartz had either tried to do, suggested, asked about, or considered doing and then been forbidden from. Okay, except for a few towards the end that were suggested to him by other people and one DoD directive about Furbies. This was a deliberate attempt to ape Specialist Schwartz's style, and I do believe it's worked.

I know a guy who actually knows Skippy.

I was not surprised that this was so, given the guy and given that you can find pretty much anyone who's anyone and weird within about two degrees of separation from Greyhaven, Diana's house.

-- Lorrie

That would explain his comments about burn pits/revel fires and the use of the word 'skyclad'. Cool.

Oh, yes. "Revel fire" specifically earmarked him as someone who goes to pagan events in mid-Texas held by their Council of Magical Arts or whatever CMA stands for -- I was in a choir invited to sing at one of those. The former Greyhaven denizen is also pagan and Texan, so it all fits neatly...

-- Lorrie

*lol* Followed this journal from your Hermione fic, and found this crossover. Am not entirely sure of the second fandom, but it is really interesting.

May I friend you?

Sure, go right ahead! The second fandom is a Vertigo comic called Hellblazer, in which a thoroughly disreputable self-taught mage named John Constantine is the star. I'm learning about him as I go, which is why the fic is progressing so slowly, but the combination is an awful lot of fun, and anyway it's kind of neat just to picture someone teaching at Hogwarts who's apparently no more respectable than Mundungus Fletcher...

Oooh, I like.
I'm also inspired to pick up John Constantine comics again.

The current issue is #191, part 3 of a 5-part story arc. I saw it in Borders last week. Dunno if you want to wait until they finish the arc or what.

*giggles!!*

28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.

Although Peeves would strike true terror into the hearts of kids from ANY house. John does have a knack for finding horrifyingly effective ways of doing things.

19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.

*snickers*

*sporfles*
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.

*shakes head* Poor John. They're trying to turn him... decent!

7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.

*cackles* I like that one.

11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.

You mean it's not? *blinks surprised*

18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
I wanna see that one.

19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.

*laughs out loud until get strange looks.* I could so see him doing that.

21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.

And that too.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.

That would be baaaaaad....

Utterly bloody brilliant.

*shakes head* Poor John. They're trying to turn him... decent!

"Here," said Madam Hooch, "d'you realise you're the first teacher at this school in two hundred fifty years to have an Ethics Clause specifically inserted into your contract?"

You mean it's not? *blinks surprised*

Good, no. Exceedingly effective? Ohhhh yeah.

22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.

And that too.

I absolutely cannot look at the phrase "Lord Thingy" without thinking of the Monty Python 'Tax On Thingy' skit. I'm sorry, Mr. Fudge, but... well... there it is.

I just had a image of John facing the concept of riding a broomstick.

And then John trying to ride said broomstick.

And the cursing that follows...

Heh. Since I was planning to send him back to London on one when it came time to do his shopping...

Marry me. I don't care about any of the specifics.

I *heart* Skippy's list. I *heart* you.

Adrienne.

Skippy's List made my day (that, and the original not-bob troll on

pottersues.) Thank you.

Any time. Skippy rawks.

I usually avoid fanfic wherever possible, but someone over at the message boards on the Hellblazer site (http://www.insanerantings.com/hell/) pointed me in this direction and I couldn't resist. Very, very funny stuff.

Shame I can't get Private Whatsisface's List to work though.

23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.

Excellent.

--James

*gigglesnort*
I adore the list!

30. It's "Defense Against the Dark Arts," not "Pub Fighting." My syllabus should not include knuckledusters, low kicks, and head butting.
31. An overcoat is not a robe.
32. Using a wand is not Freudian. I should not imply that it is.
33. I am to cease all efforts to acquire magic pornography.
34. If something makes me laugh malevolently, I am to assume that it is not allowed.
35. "Gandalf" is a poor choice as an alias.
36. Young dragons may not be used as lighters.
37. The need for an ethics clause in my contract is not something to brag about.
38. No form of alcohol qualifies as a magic potion.
39. Never moon a werewolf.

30. And why not? Aside from the fact that this lot wouldn't last two seconds in a proper London pub fight anyway. The little sprogs probably observe Marquis of Queensbury rules...

31. Okay, fair enough. That thing swelters in the castle in summer.

32. Aw...

33. There is nothing in my contract that forbids that, thank you.

34. ... well, fuck, there goes half the syllabus.

35. All right, I can live with this one. I don't look good with a pipe anyway.

36. Hadn't thought of that. Hm.

37. What use is it to me, then?

38. Oh, you'd be surprised...

39. 'course not. That's what two fingers are for.

Provision 34a. If I can prove that it'll be measurably useful to the students, I can keep it on the syllabus.
Provision 34b. Useful in a manner that actually has something to do with my subject, that is.
Provision 34c. Pub fighting is not a dark art.
Provision 34d. Nor is it a defence thereto.

Provision 36a. Young dragons may be used as lighters if I can get a student to compare me to Sam Vimes without mentioning his name in their presence, or to them, or in writing where they might see it. And it has to be a wizard-born student.

Provision 38a. If I can demonstrate the health benefits of any alcohol-based potion, I may consider Rule 38 waived in regards to that potion.
Provision 38b. Drunkenness is not a health benefit.
Provision 38c. Anything that a Russian has ever used as a substitute for booze cannot be considered to have health benefits, even if it does.

To continue from that list:
40. The ban on profanity extends to rude gestures.
41. The ban on intoxication is not limited to alcohol. Or to things containing alcohol. If it gets you drunk, it's not allowed. This means I have to stop trying to conjure nonalcoholic-yet-functional booze.
42. Causing the students bodily harm of any kind is not an acceptable punishment.
42a. Even if they really piss you off.
42b. There are no exceptions to this rule. Really.
42c. No, not even when they follow me around for hours chattering about how much I look like James Marsters.
43. I am to cease all efforts to acquire magic pornography from the students.
44. The ban on alcohol and like substances extends to gifts.
44a. Even gifts from students.
44b. Not allowed to get students drunk.
44c. Not allowed to let students get me drunk.
45. The ban on cigarettes also extends to gifts.
45a. Even gifts from students.

46. No flashing the students, even if it does get the little buggers to shut up right quick.
Addendum to 46. When a student attempts to seduce me, the proper reaction is to run like blazes.

And not just because soul sucking monsters are allowed to enroll.

http://www.fightcastorevade.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?sid=082bab056fab042fe7d53ea099d69086&p=1715#1715
Here's where I was referred from.
Links to all the new Skippy sited are there.

too brilliant for words. am now incoherent with admiration.

plus i can just *see* John doing that, and the looks on the faces around him - heh heh heh.

thanks.

Was referenced to this list as well as the story via a forum. And have thourghly enjoyed both. Your story captures John pretty damn good ( he strikes me as being slightly more goofy than in most of the comics, but then that just might be my own perceptions getting in the way) The scene where John gets sorted gave me chills even. Just kinda curious, are you planning to update anytime this year, cause I'd hate to see this story drift half-finished.

I know I'd like to see it. I've been checking the bookmarked story on ff.net ever since I found the story when it was at chapter 9

Oh dear (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv0hlbWpa1w)

Well, they'll have to learn bitter cynicism from somebody, they don't have to be it but they should know it!

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In violation of Rule 87

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re: Fudge's last name

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And this is what John has to say about those:

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Response From Goth Guru

avada kedavra is not a bug zapper (!)

Sorry for the necromancy...

Re: Sorry for the necromancy...

re: 27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.