Because I promised a certain doomworld...

[camwyn]

VERY LARGE-SCALE LASER ARRAY PROPOSAL

CHIPPENDALE OPTICAL TECHNOLOGIES

Herr Baron Doktor Viktor von Doom, hereditary lord of Latveria, has been striving for the past several decades to establish himself as unopposed ruler of the world, and to elevate his tiny nation to the exalted status of superpower. Unfortunately, his prior plans have been thwarted time and again by different agencies and individuals. As Latveria’s resources - human and material alike - are considerably more limited than those of other nations, Dr. von Doom has opted to take another path. Specifically, Dr. von Doom wishes to begin with widespread name recognition for his home country. It is for this reason that Chippendale Optical Technologies proposes to build the largest array of high-powered etching lasers ever yet seen on the planet Earth. The Very Large-Scale Laser Array’s purpose will be the permanent and indelible etching of the Latverian national coat of arms onto the surface of the Earthward side of the Moon, thereby instantly elevating Latveria to a recognition status heretofore only accomplished by the Coca-Cola Corporation thanks to more than a century’s worth of aggressive marketing.

Similar projects have been attempted in the past, with varying degrees of success. The ‘googolwatt’ class of laser owes its very existence to would-be world conquerors. The first googolwatt laser was built by Dr. Lemuel Evil, working from ordinary CO₂ lasers of the 1960’s. With the addition of a giant synthetic yttrium-aluminum-garnet (YAG) sapphire as its central crystal, his googolwatt laser achieved collimating light intensities capable of disrupting normal atmospheric chemical processes and boring holes in the ozone layer. Unfortunately, the YAG CO₂ laser was finished several years behind schedule, and was never employed for that purpose. A yttrium orthovanadate (YVO₄) crystal was employed for the next googolwatt laser to appear on the scene; it was, in fact, one of Chippendale Optical Technologies’ own early models. The YVO₄ laser constructed by Dr. Feodor Chromedome, at its test-firing, succeeded in inscribing a letter ‘C’ on the surface of the Moon such that the letter remained visible from Earth until one of the more enterprising superheroes restored the lunar landscape several years later.

YVO₄ crystals are very close to ideal as the main components of the von Doom etching lasers. Inexpensive to produce because of their widespread use in communications products- they adapt well to fiber-optic systems- they have an extremely high melting point of 1825° C. This places them second only to rutile (TiO₂) in terms of how much heat stress they can take. Precision in shaping a laser’s central crystal is vital, as the slightest flaw can throw off the collimation of the light beams, resulting in backscatter that fails to accomplish Dr. von Doom’s objective and causes retinal damage to all present. YVO₄ crystals’ Mohs rating is a 5- glass-like in hardness, they are remarkably easy to grind and polish. Their only flaw is that, under ordinary conditions, their maximum diameter is slightly less than half a centimeter.

Fortunately, Chippendale Optical’s primary source for laser and other industrial crystals is M’Kraan Devices, a company with which the lord of Latveria has done business in the past. M’Kraan specializes in significantly oversized crystals, and provided Dr. Evil with the synthetic sapphire that formed the core of his "Death Star" laser on the Moon. Recent advances in their manufacturing processes have yielded truly astonishing results from the other crystals Chippendale Optical proposes to employ: the cobalt-doped magnesium fluoride crystal (Co:MgF₂). Co:MgF₂ crystals, unlike YVO₄ crystals, are tunable- the wavelength of the laser light produced may range anywhere from the infrared up through violet light, easily counteracting the variable albedo of the lunar surface for our purposes.

The primary etching work will be accomplished by the YVO₄ elements of the laser array; there will be approximately fifty YVO₄ units built. Twenty-five Co:MgF₂ units will also be components of the laser array. The YVO₄ lasers will be dedicated to burning the more prominent dark lines comprising the main visual elements of the Latverian coat of arms, whereas the tunable Co:MgF₂ lasers will be fitted with Dr. Chromedome’s Geissman lenses (a proprietary technology of Chippendale Optical) to allow for greater efficiency and precision in detail work. All the laser units will be synched to a CASIX cutting-laser controller, which will be pre-programmed with the Latverian coat of arms as their firing pattern. Power for the system will be drawn from Latveria’s hydroelectric dam, recently completed for several of Dr. von Doom’s other projects- since the dam is not currently in use, this should not be a problem. The system will be disassembled afterwards for such use as Dr. von Doom sees fit. Total cost is estimated to be approximately $222.5 million American.

The Very Large-Scale Laser Array is an ideal solution to Dr. von Doom’s publicity needs. It incorporates readily available modern technology with the kind of grandiose scheme that people expect from the Lord of Latveria. Assembly of the googolwatt lasers will be a relatively simple prospect, thanks to Chippendale Optical’s many years of experience. The fact that most of the technology involved is ‘off-the-rack’ means that opposition will be minimal; every element of the Large-Scale Laser Array’s construction has a legitimate use in telecommunications or manufacturing, with the exception of the Geissman lenses. Even these are not likely to attract attention from non-governmental regulatory agencies such as the Fantastic Four. The lenses are routinely made at Chippendale Optical anyway. In the short-term, Dr. von Doom is assured of his handiwork appearing on the front page of nearly every newspaper in the civilized world, and of a steady stream of television and radio references that will keep Latveria on the lips and in the minds of people everywhere. Doubtless he will not be overly popular with astronomers, superheroes, or the Shi’ar Imperial Fleet in the years to come, but these individuals represent a relative minority of the population and should not present a problem. After all, he’ll still have seventy-five lasers capable of leaving a permanent mark on the Moon under his control, and that thought should be enough to warm any would-be world conqueror’s heart.

Between the publicity generated by the initial use of the lasers, and the bone-chilling knowledge that someone possesses such technology and is not afraid to use it, the world’s nations should be lining up on Latveria’s doorstep to deliver their tribute within a month. And that, after all, has been Dr. von Doom’s goal since the very beginning. This technology solution is within our grasp, and therefore within his as well. We here at Chippendale Optical Technologies hope to hear from the Doctor or one of his representatives soon!

Comments

[askollieandhal.livejournal.com]

Did you just write a grant proposal for Dr. Doom?

What will your mother say?

And, of even greater concern to you, what would subtle_guns (Frank Castle) say?

[camwyn]

Already ran it by Mom. She said, "And you're handing this in to your professor?" This was an assignment for a Business Communications class I had at Kean University a few years back. We had to write a proposal and fit certain formatting and style requirements, so...

I did have to explain who all the references were, as my mom's unfamiliar with most of the source material.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

*notes with great interest the name Kean University and mentally addes to list of Places Possibly Producing People with Dangerous Moral Flexibility*

I'd like to speak to your mother.

NOW.

[camwyn]

Mom's asleep. You can catch her tomorrow in the Bronx- she's working on chapter 5 of a six-chapter doctoral thesis in theology at Fordham University. If you catch her at the right time you can probably get in quite a good discussion about the relative merits of various Arthur Avenue bakeries' Italian bread. She likes elephant-ear pastries, too.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

*pauses thoughtfully*

Can she cook a good spaghetti puttanesca?

If so, you may get off with a stiff warning and TEN YEARS GROUNDING.

[camwyn]

She's better than my grandmother- and Grandma was the daughter of a Barese mother and a Calabrese father.

And I'm thirty. All grounding does at this stage is give me time to think.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

That's it, Laser Liz.



EVER.

You've just won yourself twenty four hour a day surveillance for the rest of your existence! Say hello to your new Protect Me From Committing Evil and Etching Latervian Emblems Onto the Moon project manager.

Me.

[camwyn]

Fine, whatever. Can I go to the knitting store and get an assload of black and white yarn, maybe a couple of Addi Turbo speed-knitting needles? I'm in the middle of knitting a Green Lantern sweater and I was thinking of moving on to other comic-book designs once I was done. Assuming, of course, that I wasn't being glowered at in such a way as to be too disturbed to knit. Yeesh.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

You're knitting a sweater for Hal before me?

There's speed-knitting? There's speed-knitting needles? Do they have spoilers?

[camwyn]

A, it's not for Hal, it's for me, 'cos every project I've done for the past five months has gone to someone else; b, I hadn't met you yet when I started knitting this thing.

And yeah, there are speed-knitting needles. No spoilers, but they're brass-coated, have rounded tips, are particularly slippery, and have a much smoother join between the needle and the connecting cable- Addis are circular needles, so it's two metal bits connected by a length of good stout cable that doesn't look anything at all like a garrote, so put that thought out of your mind right now.

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

Something involving a large amout of bullets, I'd imagine.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

I'd say she's

Second girl I've had to ground in twenty four hours - she and Hermione. I didn't realize being an Altruistic Advisor™ would involve so much parenting.

Cam needs a time out, I'd say. Let's give her to Hank McCoy and see if he can get her off the laser obsession and into languages.

[camwyn]

Sorry, Frank. Look, if you'd just spent an entire semester with the incompetent-to-teach, too-dangerous-to-be-allowed-to-manage monstrosity that was Professor Rausch, you'd go a little over the edge too. (I still think 'insulted as hell at being asked if his accent were Yiddish' + 'proud to admit to his draconian tactics as a factory manager in Austria' + 'not one mention of what he did between 1936 and 1945' adds up to 'probably shouldn't be teaching at a major American university', but eh.) If it helps at all, the prior assignment had been to write a letter firing someone for cause, and I fired the Pointy-Haired Boss from Dilbert...

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

*Slips you a cake with a file in it*

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

Oh no you don't, Betty Crocker. *takes cake*

Let's see if she can fight her way out with her lasers.

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

Castle, you need to get laid. Really.

Wait, did I just mouth off to the MU's resident psychopath anti-hero? *Re-reads* Yes, yes I did.

. . .

. . .

SHIT! *Flees*

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

Baby, I'm Frank Castle.

I'm one of Marvel's biggest macks. Even Elektra can't resist me.

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

. . .

Okay, that doesn't add up.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

*peers at her curiously*

Which part?

As someone with a rather good grasp of math, I'd say it does. Want me to graph if for you?

It goes like this:

There is a directly proportional relationship between my body count and the number of times I get hit on.

In fact, the numbers are surprisingly close.

And apparently, although I'm not supposed to know this, in the future I eventually have a daughter with Elektra Natchios, which I find a little disconcerting since I'm still in love with Maria. Although don't get me wrong, Elektra is gorgeous, and I did enjoy our....ah....not quite sure how to describe it....date two years ago.

(See Punisher 2099: in the 2099 Universe, which takes place in the future, Frank and Elektra apparently hook up and have a daughter, Cossandra, who takes Frank's mantle of The Punisher on after he eventually dies. Oh, and Frank had a period in 2nd Age Punisher of being a mack, but with Garth Ennis writing him now, he's far too haunted to be a playah, but he DOES get hit on. In fact Frank once had a period of celibacy by choice. He grapples, man, he grapples.)

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see . . . no I don't.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

Now there's a Nazi involved? Address and number, please.

And that's no excuse for going over the edge and sliding into Stooge of Evildom. You're a woman of character. It should take a paradigm shifting and earth shaking act to crack you open and shatter you into reprehensible moral acts, such as being subjected to the Fantanas for 48 hours non-stop.

*picks up cellphone and starts to dial Hank McCoy's number*

Hey, does Hank purr now or anything like that? It's been a while since I've seen him. I should bring him a giant litterbox.

[camwyn]

Kean University is at 1000 Morris Avenue, Union, NJ, and can be easily reached from the NJ Transit train station for Union. Ask for Erwin Rausch. Apparently the students have been trying to get rid of the bastard for years, but he teaches a mandatory course.

So I'm guessing you don't want to see the massive capstone course project I did in place of a thesis where I reengineered Virtucon's hiring practices so Dr. Evil could save himself time, money, and effort by analyzing candidates to see whether or not they qualified as 'frickin' idiots' ahead of time, huh.

[subtle-guns.livejournal.com]

*beams approvingly...which either looks like beaming approvingly or being terrifyingly intense to other people, we aren't sure*

Parole!!!! You, my dear, are going to rewrite that thesis for S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hiring practices.

That's right, for Fury. I'm tired of his idjit underlings and their dry cleaning fiascos and accidentally taking out whole city blocks three years ago.

[camwyn]

Fair enough. S.H.I.E.L.D. had better have a line item in their budget for an assload of programmers, because we're going to start with a serious analysis of exactly which skill sets are required for all of the official job positions within the organization (and as many unofficial ones as possible- I realise they may not want to be forthcoming about this part but screw them, you know?). That's going to require mostly human work, but once the data's been gathered we're talkin' serious cross-correlated database in the human resources department...

[zodidj.livejournal.com]

It is just me or is he "grounding" himself a Harem...

and he talks about US having Flexible Morals.