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In violation of Rule 87
Thank you, Specialist Schwartz.
THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY MORE AT HOGWARTS
Prof. John Constantine (Defense Against the Dark Arts)
1. Must not swear in front of the students.
2. Even if it's only 'bugger'.
3. Must not get drunk in front of the students.
4. Must not be drunk in front of the students.
5. Must not smoke on Hogwarts grounds.
6. Not allowed to trade anything whatsoever to centaurs in exchange for smoking rights in Forbidden Forest.
7. I am not 'conducting experiments in the oral transmission of folklore', I am passing stories to the school ghosts to see how fast the students start believing them, and I am not to do that any more.
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
9. No matter how entertaining she thinks they are, I am not to teach Dilys Derwent's picture any more dirty jokes.
10. Or any of the other portraits for that matter.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
12. No passing off music from back home as my own composition. No one believes me anyway, the bastards.
13. No complaining about drafty robes as rest of faculty completely unsympathetic.
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
15. Argus Filch has no need of ritual magic lessons no matter what he threatens to put in my wardrobe.
16. Swamp Thing does not live in Professor Sprout's greenhouse.
17. For fuck's sake, at least try 'Riddikulus!' first, even if it does look just like Nergal.
18. Drinking contests with Hagrid- very, very bad idea.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
20. I do not routinely riffle through the students' surface thoughts with Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if they are pathetically easy to cold-read.
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name. Not in front of the students, anyway.
22. Or of his using the phrase 'Lord Thingy'.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work here, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
28. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' is an acceptable form of discipline. 'Peeves? I'd like you to do something for me' is not.
29. Avada Kedavra is not a bug zapper.
no subject
Has he tried trading anything to the spiders yet?
8. None of the sixth-year Gryffindors is named Tim.
I'm sure that discovering that is a story in itself.
11. Loudly repeating 'Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort' is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.
However, it IS an effective way...
14. Despite the fact that they are often aggravating little gits I am not permitted to accio any part of any student's clothing to get their attention.
Also frighteningly effective. Snape might start taking notes from John on how to terrorize a class.
19. My official title is 'Professor Constantine' not 'John Constantine, Right King of All Bastards'.
However, there's nothing wrong with claiming the latter as his unofficial title.
20. I do not know Legilimency, and it is wrong to imply that I do. Even if it is really, really easy to fake.
Or maybe John is just a natural Legilimens who has honed his talents with con artistry in his own world...
21. Must not make fun of the Minister of Magic's last name.
I don't really think anyone could help making fun of Fudge. The temptation to call him "Nutty Fudge" after the confection is just too tempting.
23. Am not allowed to encourage underperforming students to take up piracy as a career upon graduation.
I just had this mental image of Neville Longbottom becoming a pirate on the Spanish Main.
24. 'Shoot first and ask questions later' is not a good thing to teach students who know Unforgivables.
Now THAT is a good rule.
This is extraordinarily funny. I love this.
no subject
I'll see that and raise you a rousing hell YES! ^_^
Oh, and your icon...? I'm in love.
no subject
Re:
I'd been considering that but couldn't come up with anything appropriate. I'm sure it will suggest itself as things progress. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't add 'Not allowed to keep baby giant spider in my quarters so that I can bring it back with me as a 'special gift' for very deserving people when I go home' to the list.
Also frighteningly effective. Snape might start taking notes from John on how to terrorize a class.
I was thinking specifically of 'Accio necktie'. I rather expect he does this at least once, instead of being pre-emptively forbidden.
However, there's nothing wrong with claiming the latter as his unofficial title.
Oh sure. He's just not allowed to sign any paperwork that way.
Or maybe John is just a natural Legilimens who has honed his talents with con artistry in his own world...
I was thinking that he seems to me like someone who'd be pretty damn good at Occlumency; from there I came to the realisation that he almost certainly does have a talent for Legilimency, and simply doesn't know it. He thinks he's just good at sniffing certain things out because 'bullshit calls to bullshit'.
I don't really think anyone could help making fun of Fudge.
21a. Well, not in front of the students, anyway.
25. No making 'voodoo dolls' of particularly obnoxious students; they don't work, and they give them the wrong ideas.
26. When dealing with non-magical people on supply runs to London, the appropriate response to self-important gits in uniform is 'sorry, officer', not 'you'd look good in warts and green, eh, squire?'.
27. No teaching the kids Christmas music by the Pogues.
Re:
(and now it's stuck in my head. thank you very much *L*)
Re:
re: Fudge's last name
I was thinking along the lines of, well, when Minister Fudge got kicked off his job, the headline could be, "Minister Fudge Packs his bags".