camwyn: (half-life)
Presenting the Disney version of the Half-Life story: Shockley, the Littlest Houndeye.

I'm pretty sure little Shockley would wind up in Black Mesa because he and his pack got chased into a cave in Xen by the evil Nihilanth's army of Vat Trooper robots. Because it doesn't count as killing if you're killing robots. Anyway, the pack would be running for their lives and Shockley the Littlest Houndeye would trip and fall trying to keep up with the pack when they ran up the stairs, and the Vat Trooper robots would miss him or ignore him because he landed in an adorably crumpled heap and they thought he was dead already. This would be the equivalent of the barracuda attack on Nemo's unhatched brothers and sisters.

He'd get up eventually and start trying to find his pack, and he'd have to wander through this huge scary place and hide from monsters. But he'd find the Man in the Orange Suit in the middle of a fight with the Vat Trooper robots. Then he'd be scared because let's face it, that's all scary stuff, but the Man in the Orange Suit wouldn't kill him because maybe Shockley got up enough nerve to sonic-bark the last robot into falling apart when it got up to try and get off one more attack. And then the Man in the Orange Suit would patch him up because he was hurting. Then there'd be a sequence of 'we're even, go away, I don't need to deal with you any more', but Shockley would try to find him again. Only he wouldn't manage it because he'd almost catch up with him only to find himself right at the edge of this huge drop.

He'd be a sad little houndeye then and go wandering off sadly, and that's when he'd run into the humans who look and act sort of like the Vat Trooper robots, and he'd be scared of them too. But that's when he'd find where his whole pack was being held prisoner! So he'd go to try and find the Man in the Orange Suit again because maybe he could help, and he'd see that the humans were fighting those mean ol' robots. And he'd be very brave and get in the fight himself, but he'd get hurt and the humans would start losing and the Man in the Orange Suit would show up and then they'd start shouting and it would be scary. But Shockley would come limping out and nuzzle them on both sides (licking their hands would be kind of hard) and they'd sort of growl at each other instead of shooting.

And then they'd start talking and somebody would realize there was a TREMENDOUS blue monster on the way and OH NO WHAT DO WE DO. Shockley would then lead the Man in the Orange Suit and one of the scary humans to set his pack free, and they'd find a whole ROOM full of shiny tau cannons (because energy guns aren't as bad as guns that shoot bullets), and they'd take them and the humans would work together with the WHOLE PACK to bring down the awful blue monster. And it would be just like fighting Maleficent the dragon. They'd even chase it into that big drop so it would fall out of sight and not actually die on screen.

Then the humans would shake hands and it would be okay, but Shockley's pack would be really scared and unhappy because the evil Nihilanth had sent the blue monster and they couldn't ever go home while the Nihilanth was there, so the humans would offer to come help, and that's how Shockley and his pack and the Marines and the Man in the Orange Suit would all go to Xen together and make it to the evil Nihilanth's chamber. Most of the Marines would be busy shutting down the Vat Trooper factory so the robots would all go off line. And to destroy him and end his evil forever they'd have to blow up the spikes in his secret chamber, so the head Marine, who would probably be Adrian, would get one spike, and the Man in the Orange Suit would get another, and Shockley would have to destroy the last one. And then everybody would go home and be very happy and Shockley and his pack would all celebrate and it would be great.

Half-Life 2 would begin when Shockley's pack's territory got trampled by a Gonarch running away from weird new monsters, only to get captured and hauled away. Shockley would follow it to find out what was going on, and that's how he'd discover the Citadel... but that's a story for another time.


ETA: Actually, maybe Shockley ought to be a girl. You know. For spunkiness. And gender equity. It's not like Shockley's got genitalia or anything, just hire a ten year old voice actress and nobody'll ever know the difference.

ETA 2: That or Shockley picks up a female buddy early on in the form of Hedy the headcrab.
camwyn: (just not right)
[15:55] camwyn cwru: I think I've been licking Chinese toys again.
[15:58] xienhua: What now?
[15:59] camwyn cwru: I lay down for a nap about twenty minutes ago. Never got there. Was getting very very close but right at the end of it, two words flickered through my head and that was the end of that.
[15:59] xienhua: And the brain damaging ones or the unconciousness-causing ones?
[15:59] camwyn cwru: "Disney's Dune." And OH GOD it came with images of the animated musical numbers.
[15:59] xienhua: ....
[15:59] xienhua: *applause*
[16:00] camwyn cwru: Mrfghl.
[16:02] xienhua: Heh
[16:03] camwyn cwru: "It's got built-in slaughtered parents!" I remember thinking. "Or at least one, and you can usually get away with one living parent in a Disney movie!"
[16:03] xienhua: Hee
[16:06] camwyn cwru: Other people get gibbering eldritch blasphemous disintegrations int he fabric of reality when they have their SAN losses. Or they have the uncontrollable urge to go out and dismember the filthy and impure.
[16:06] camwyn cwru: I get capering dancing singing Fremen.
[16:06] camwyn cwru: There are kicklines.
camwyn: (if you hadn't stopped me)
"What d'ye see?" cried Ahab, flattening his face to the sky.

"Nothing, nothing, Sir!" was the sound hailing down in reply.

"T'gallant sails! - stunsails! alow and aloft, on both sides!"

In a few moments they were hoisting him to the main royal-mast head; and then, while but two-thirds of the way aloft, he raised a gull-like cry in the air. "There she blows! - there she blows! A hump like a snow-hill!"

Fired by the cry which seemed simultaneously taken up by the three look-outs, the men on deck rushed to the rigging to behold the famous whale they had so long sought. But there were no further words, no cries of notice nor claims of credit. For the waters that roiled and parted on either side of the high sparkling hump that rose some mile or so ahead, silently lifting into the air, almost fled from that hump as if it were some thing never meant to touch upon matter of this world. Had it been the White Whale we must surely have seen his silent spout jetting into the air, or his form dipping below and between the waves - but we did not. That hump, that whiteness unnatural, continued to surface as we watched, struck by an awe and a horror we none of us dared name.

And thus, through the serene tranquilities of the tropical sea, among waves whose hand-clappings were suspended by exceeding terror, the great thing rose on. Some mercy withheld from sight the full terrors of that submerged trunk, the wrenched hideousness of that form - but ah, God, that vast shadowed bulk must surely have been beneath us even at so great a distance! That self-same thought came to every man in that moment, and we were frozen in place with horror-chilled blood save one man.

"Turn back, Captain!" cried Queequeg. I tore my eyes from that unspeakable Cyclopean mass to stare his way. His complexion had gone quite near as livid as that dreadful hump ahead of us, and the tattoos writhed upon his skin as if they were living things themselves. That terror which gripped us all must surely have granted him fluency, just as fear of losing her child may grant a mother strength in her direst moments, for he shrieked, "For the love of all goodness, turn back now!"

Ahead of us, the water around that swelling hump began to writhe with tentacles- and then, oh, great and merciful God, then arose that awful eye...


-- Howard Phillips Melville, The Pequod Horror, ch. 133, The Flight - First Day
camwyn: (Real Life (stupid))
*hears noise in corner*

*shines flashlight into corner*

Oh, look, a brain. I think it's mine.

*gets baseball bat*

*pulls up a stool, parks butt on same*

*waits, watching brain grimly*

*brain watches back*

Listen, buddy, you may be three pounds of soggy meat and fat inside my skull, but one more friggin' mulebunny and I'm going to hurt you but good.

*brain just watches back*

Don't even CONSIDER pushing that scene at me again. I don't care if interrupting some kind of 'John Constantine summons and loses control of a horror' scene gives you an excuse to make Egon speak Hebrew! I have a baseball bat, you know!

argh...

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